Selfie sticks at the Louvre

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Grace and my father at the Louvre.  All the selfie-takers were focused on the more famous art, and this room was deserted.

“The stick is the sword in the selfie army,” my 10 year old son observed as we walked underneath the Eiffel Tower, last month in Paris. I looked at him, laughed, and dodged another group of tourists gathering together to take a photo of themselves with the soaring steel gridwork of Paris’s most famous landmark in the background.

We were in Paris for a week. We saw the Mona Lisa, the Eiffel Tower, Napoleon’s tomb, more pieces of art and history than I can remember. We also saw dozens and dozens and dozens of people taking selfies. At the Louvre we couldn’t see the more famous works of art. We couldn’t see through the thick throng of phones, held overhead.

The people had their backs to the art. They were looking at them through the camera lens, and with their own smiling face in the foreground. Maybe I’m old. Well, actually, yes, I’m definitely old. But still, I found it shocking.

I was shocked because people weren’t looking at Paris. They were looking in the lenses of their phones. This once-in-a-lifetime experience was mediated through the lens of a phone camera. I’ve observed this before, particularly at school concerts and plays. I have been guilty of this, myself, of missing whole swaths of an experience or a performance because I was so focused on getting a good photo of it. All around me, in the lower school gym, there are glowing screens and parents videotaping a concert. Their witnessing of the experience is secondary to their recording of it. In the last few years, though, I’ve tried harder to put my phone down and to simply be here now – be here now, what my someday-maybe-dream tattoo will say, on my wrist – and trust that the memories I make are richer and more colorful than any photo would have been.

What I saw in Paris was different than what I’ve seen in the lower school gym, though. Yes, the parents and the tourists were both mediating their experience through a camera lens. But the tourists were experiencing Paris backwards, in order to make sure they themselves were in the photos.   They weren’t looking at the city; they had their back to it.

The truth is, this question felt uncomfortably close, because I’m often anxious about the solipsism inherent in writing personal essay. Is it the same thing as what I observed in the Louvre, people inserting themselves into every photo? It strikes me that it’s not. I write what I see, and my gaze is turned out, onto the world. The essays I write – and, perhaps more importantly, the ones I am drawn to reading– are insistently outwardly focused. They are about subjectivity only in so far as that is the filter through which the world is viewed.  This makes me think of the Aikra Kurosawa quote: “An artist is one who does not avert her gaze.”  When I read that passage, I think of writers and artists whose work I admire: their gaze is outward. 

What I witnessed in Paris, which made me sad, is the insistent viewing of oneself in every frame. The lens is literally turned. The photo, or the essay – and the experience – is self-reflexive. It’s about the subject primarily, rather than secondarily.

I couldn’t stop thinking about the young adults whose back was to Paris. Yes, it made me sad to see this, but what’s really going on? IS that generation insecure about their place in the world? What underlies their aggressive need to assert that they are there? Or has the culture become so self-centered that all that matters is our own experience of something, of documenting that we were there?

I’m not sure. But I do know that there’s something sad about turning your back to Paris, even if you get a great shot of your face with the blurry Mona Lisa in the background.

I wrote this piece after our March trip to Paris

Solstice: light and shadow

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Saturday night after-dinner walk with ice cream.  The Bermuda flag is flying because the race to Bermuda just left from our town.

Yesterday was the summer solstice.  This is second to the winter solstice for me as a holy day, but it is an important one nevertheless.  The winter solstice occurs in the darkest week of the year, during the beginning of Boston’s cold, snowy months.  And yet it is somehow a more hopeful day for me than the summer solstice, which takes place at the height of light, the frenzied pitch of spring and summer’s fecundity, when the world positively bursts with potential.  I can’t help sensing, somewhere deep inside of me, that we’re now shifting back towards the darkness, towards shorter days, and from here on for the next six months we will be losing light.

That sounds pretty depressing, I know.  Particularly because I write these words while sitting in the living room of my parents’ house on the water, surrounded by books and half models of sailboats and with the ticking of the beautiful grandfather clock that lives in the corner of the room.  The clock features in my childhood memories of my paternal grandparents’ house in Long Island, and when I look up at it I sense them near.  Later in the day, I cut two peonies from a bush that my mother transplanted from her father’s garden and put them on our dinner table.  It only struck me on Sunday, Father’s Day, that it was likely not an accident that I felt both of my grandfathers so nearby all weekend.

There was some gloom on Saturday, despite it being so beautiful.  Part of that was the tangible presence of my grandfathers, who were vividly present.  Another part of it was both Grace and Whit were crabby, and more than once we tangled, tempers flared, and a few tears were shed.  It was far from a perfect Saturday.  There were raised voices, crossed arms, and hurt feelings.

Despite these shadows, the world is also awash in light.  On Friday night the four of us went to see Jurassic World, the very first time we’ve gone to a movie as a family of four, though I have taken the children to many, many movies by myself.  It was entertaining and full of messages that we discussed as we drove home.  Both children noted that nature seemed to do better when you didn’t mess with it (the movie focuses on a genetically-modified dinosaur). When we left the movie theater, around 9:15, light was still visible in the sky.  A sliver moon was rising on the horizon, and I tried to take a picture, overcome, as I so often am, by the beauty of the world.  These are the most heightened, light-filled days, and yet deep within me I’m aware of something shifting, below the reach of words or logic.

Hilary sent me a poem late last week that she thought I would like.  She was right.  I love the way this poet, who is new to me, touches on life’s ordinariness and beauty, the way she evokes the long view, the ancient vista, that essential sense of the eternal, age-old universe that throbs under my daily life and to which I feel closer at the solstice than at any other time of year.  We spin on.  The earth under our feet, the great green ball on which we live, this tiny speck in a universe whose enormity we cannot fathom.

My earthly time is sweetening from all of this, memories and ghosts and tears and crankiness as much as joy and ice cream and laughter and sunsets, I know that to be true.  It’s all a part of my life, shadow and light intertwined, even on the longest days of the year.

Solstice

Tess Taylor

How again today our patron star
whose ancient vista is the long view

turns its wide brightness now and here:
Below, we loll outdoors, sing & make fire.

We build no henge
but after our swim, linger

by the pond. Dapples flicker
pine trunks by the water.

Buzz & hum & wing & song combine.
Light builds a monument to its passing.

Frogs content themselves in bullish chirps,
hoopskirt blossoms

on thimbleberries fall, peeper toads
hop, lazy—

Apex. The throaty world sings ripen.
Our grove slips past the sun’s long kiss.

We dress.
We head home in other starlight.

Our earthly time is sweetening from this.

Mother’s Day 2015

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Mother’s Day in 2015 started at 6am with hockey and soccer. There was a homemade, elaborate afternoon tea from Grace and a Minecraft firework show from Whit, new running glasses from Matt and family dinner by candelight. I’ve said goodbye to sippy cups, cribs, carseats, and naps, and hello to social media, not knowing which yoga pants are hers and which are mine, so much sports gear, and constantly figuring out where the borders and boundaries are. It isn’t an exaggeration to say that my every day is filtered through the lens of nostalgia and I can’t stop thinking that there are more days with them at home behind us than there are ahead of us. As I get older, the truth is I am certain of less, but one thing I know for sure is that family life is holy. Being with these two, and Matthew Russell, is absolutely sacred to me. What an enormous blessing it is, all of it, even with the exhaustion and crankiness and moodiness, even as the shadows of the teen years loom, even with all the endings and losses and farewells. There are still so many adventures to be had, and a memory bank so rich and full that I could live in it forever.

I shared this picture, and these words, on Instagram on the evening of Mother’s Day.  It was a wonderful day, though not a perfect one.  Is there any other kind of wonderful?  Not in my life, there’s not.  I was tired, and I still don’t feel 100% (though I’m much improved), and Whit fought me at bedtime.  But there was also an early morning of heading out to various sports activities, and an impromptu visit with my own parents, which was very special for me, and both children decided, of their own accord and with no coaching from me, to give me presents that were experiences more than things.  I love this so, so much.

Grace worked for days and then on Sunday afternoon for a while on an elaborate afternoon tea on the back porch.  She had made brownies, tea sandwiches, and drinks in hand-painted mason jar water glasses.  She made a big sign that said “Best Mum” and also made a garland and decorated stand for the sandwiches.  It was absolutely adorable.  We sat on the (tiny) back porch and chatted while enjoying our ice water, jelly beans, brownies, and sandwiches.  I was and am floored by her thoughtfulness, her planning, her resourcefulness, and by 45 minutes I will never forget.

Whit made me a world.  In Minecraft.  It included signs on buildings that said “happy mother’s day,” a pig named (and labelled) “Lindsey,” and a fireworks show.  He walked me through the world on our (only) television, because he somehow figured out how to project his laptop onto the screen.  I was awestruck.  It was so creative, and so personal, and took so much work.  I watched the sunbursts of different-colored fireworks through tears.

I thought a lot on Sunday about my own matrilineage, but I also considered those friends of mine whose mothers are no longer with them (on this earth, that is).  I have had dear friends lose their mothers, in some cases mothers who were my other-mothers.  Part of what makes this moment on life’s ferris wheel so bittersweet is, of course, those losses, and their shadow over my life.  Our children grow up, and we age, and so do our parents, and we all inch forward, taking a pew closer to the front of the church, to the end of the line.  It’s so maudlin and negative to say that, I know, but I would be lying if I said it wasn’t on my mind.  My friends who had lost their mothers – and those mothers themselves – were strongly in my thoughts on Sunday.

So for all the laughter, and there was a lot of it (see below, two outtakes from the now-annual front-porch photo session) a faint vein of melancholy threaded through the day.  Who am I kidding, though?  That’s true of every day for me.  Allelulias and farewells, endings and beginnings, firsts and lasts, another day on this magical, spinning ball.  I’m both intensely aware of and fiercely grateful for all of it.

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Still dizzy & the Mid

Still dizzy, so nothing new today.  I’ll be back soon, I hope!

In the meantime, I hope you’re all reading The Mid.  I love this site, dedicated to life in the “messy middle.”  I’m happy that that one of my favorite pieces went up there this weekend, about a night at hockey when I felt painfully aware of how often I allow my own exhaustion or aggravation to occlude the beauty of this ordinary, flawed existence.

It’s not new, but it’s still salient (to me), this desperate wish to be here now and of the simultaneous weight of my expectation that I can do so all the time.  Is my constant sense of failing to be present getting in the way of my actually being present?

The primacy of interiority

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I often like David Brooks’ work, but I absolutely adored his piece The Moral Bucket list from this weekend’s New York Times.

ABOUT once a month I run across a person who radiates an inner light. These people can be in any walk of life. They seem deeply good. They listen well. They make you feel funny and valued. You often catch them looking after other people and as they do so their laugh is musical and their manner is infused with gratitude. They are not thinking about what wonderful work they are doing. They are not thinking about themselves at all.

When I meet such a person it brightens my whole day. But I confess I often have a sadder thought: It occurs to me that I’ve achieved a decent level of career success, but I have not achieved that. I have not achieved that generosity of spirit, or that depth of character.

A few years ago I realized that I wanted to be a bit more like those people. I realized that if I wanted to do that I was going to have to work harder to save my own soul. I was going to have to have the sort of moral adventures that produce that kind of goodness. I was going to have to be better at balancing my life.

It occurred to me that there were two sets of virtues, the résumé virtues and the eulogy virtues. The résumé virtues are the skills you bring to the marketplace. The eulogy virtues are the ones that are talked about at your funeral — whether you were kind, brave, honest or faithful. Were you capable of deep love?

Brooks goes on to talk about how our culture focuses on and applauds achievement and the building of “resume virtues” but provides very little guidance in the development of character and the “eulogy virtues.”  I read his piece with tears in my eyes, nodding, a deep echo of a familiar gong sounding somewhere deep inside me.  It strikes me that what Brooks is talking about is the primacy of interiority; about investing in and embracing who we are, not just what we do.

But if you live for external achievement, years pass and the deepest parts of you go unexplored and unstructured. You lack a moral vocabulary. It is easy to slip into a self-satisfied moral mediocrity. You grade yourself on a forgiving curve. You figure as long as you are not obviously hurting anybody and people seem to like you, you must be O.K. But you live with an unconscious boredom, separated from the deepest meaning of life and the highest moral joys. Gradually, a humiliating gap opens between your actual self and your desired self, between you and those incandescent souls you sometimes meet.

This reminds me of something I’ve thought and talked and written about at great, often excruciatingly repetitive (I’m sorry!) length.  Yes.  For so many years I was so focused on external achievement, and I definitely felt the yawning open of the gap that Brooks describes.  I’m not sure I experienced it as humiliating, but it definitely was something I could no longer ignore.  It wasn’t a gap borne out of desiring some other self but rather an insistent awareness that I was missing my own life.  My inner life wasn’t, as Brooks says, as rich as I wanted it to be.

And now, of course, it is the opposite for me.  I’m dazzled by what I see behind my own eyelids, and my attachment to my home and my family and my quiet, ordinary life is so ferocious that I’m conscious of becoming alarmingly close to a shut-in.

It strikes me that the “eulogy virtues” are mostly about things that happen to us, whereas the “resume virtues” are about things that we do.  Perhaps a shift towards embracing the “moral bucket list” of Brooks’ piece happens in tandem with acknowledgement that life is mostly about responding what happens to us.  That our reaction and response and what we do with the raw material of our lives is what makes us who we are.  At least for me, that awareness has come as the second half of my life has dawned.  I don’t mean to downplay agency, which I do think we all have, but so much of life’s events are out of our control, and in my view we can tell a lot about who we are by our response to them.

I love that the New York Times published a piece that so strongly celebrates the power of a quiet, strong, honest, internal life, one built through setback and pain and loss and love.  I’ve noted before that I’m most drawn to people who have experienced some difficulty or challenge.  That vague pattern, which I’ve only become aware of recently, makes a lot of sense to me upon reading Brooks’ piece.

What I’m not sure of, though, is that these two things – a focus on the “resume virtues” and one on the “eulogy virtues” – are mutually exclusive.  That seems to be to be unnecessarily draconian.  I don’t think it’s as clear cut as walking away from a conventional life to live in isolation and focus exclusively on character development.  I think we can live in the world and be focused on the experiences and perspective that result in the attributes that Brooks cites as belonging to “the people we want to be.”

I guess it’s just a question of our priorities and our values, of where we spend our only true zero-sum resource, our time.  I am certainly grateful for my “resume virtues” and know that they help me in the world on a daily basis.  To disavow them or to deny how much those achievements contribute to my life today is disingenuous at best and flat-out dishonest at worst.  But my heart doesn’t live in those virtues, and I understand with a crystalline clarity that’s new in the last several years that the map of achievement doesn’t lead me to joy or contentment.  Where my heart lives is in the effort to be kind, brave, honest, and faithful.  it lives in deep love, the kind I feel for for Grace, Whit, Matt, and other dearly beloved family and those friends who are native speakers. That I know for sure.