A whole universe sparkling inside

“Another person is like a geode lined with hidden glittering.” – Catherine Newman

I believe this to be true.  I believe this with all my might.  I’ve been privileged enough to have gazed at this glittering, in awe, inside another person.

What I’m contemplating, lately, is that if I believe this about others, I might have to believe that it is also be true of me.  Right?  The last few nights, lying in bed before I fall asleep, I have seen a twinkling behind my eyelids.  I can’t describe it other than that – but I’m wondering if it’s the hidden glittering winking at me.  On the rare occasions that I let myself lean into a wave of trust, I can imagine that there is a whole universe sparkling inside of me.  An expansive space, a black sky speckled with constellations whose forms I don’t yet know how to read.

I have only seen passing glimpses of this world, and, frankly, only recently.  Why has it taken me so long to see it?  I suspect that it’s because to do so I need to squeeze my eyes closed, need to to firmly shut out all outside input, advice, and approval.  I have to go dark, as I wrote about in January.  While I’m drawn to this, like the reverse of a moth to a flame, it remains hard for me.

I wonder why all that is within me is pressing on the insides of my eyelids right now, trying to get my attention.  I guess it makes sense: this has been a tumultuous time, limned with a lingering shadow of farewell that I still don’t quite understand.  Perhaps all of that transition and letting go is making room for something burrowed within me that hasn’t had the space – or time, or courage, or what? – to come forth before.  Perhaps all of this is just the fundamental not-knowing of midlife sinking in, the beginning, at last, of my accepting that my home is inside the questions and not the answers.  Maybe I’m finally getting comfortable in my own skin, and my body is beginning to offer up deeply-buried messages.

I don’t know.

I do know that I’ve glimpsed a planetarium sky that I want to study, to watch, to learn by heart.  I want to live there.

Photograph is by my talented friend Meghan, who has brought a group of creative women together as a Tribe.  I am deeply honored to be included, and while I missed the first retreat in June, I’m looking forward to 2012 in Oregon.  It is exceptionally rare for me to like a photograph of me, and I like this one.  Thank you, Meghan!

13 thoughts on “A whole universe sparkling inside”

  1. You look gorgeous in this photo, and it’s the perfect mirror of your words and the beauty that I see in them, and in you everytime I come here.

  2. What a beautiful way to look at this human life, to be a treasure-seeker looking for the glittering beauty in other people and, as you say, in ourselves. Because we ARE beautiful creations, only it sometimes feels like we’ve pulled the canvas over ourselves so tightly to keep the dust out that nobody, including ourselves, can see the original masterpiece, only the vaguest outline of what it might be.

    I just mixed my metaphors hopelessly. I blame it on lack of coffee for the last few days. Sorry!

  3. LOVE this. I’m so drawn to the glittering imagery you paint. I’m positive you sparkle inside. I love to look for it in other people. I think it’s hard to think about the stars inside ourselves. Thank you for inspiring me to look for my own.

  4. I love this photo. My favorite. Even before I knew M. took it. No wonder – the two of you would only result in something like this. It captures your essence, which is likely why you like it. It is you.

    But beyond that, I almost screamed YESSSS!!!!! when I read this. Yes!!!! You have a whole galaxy of glitter and wonder and good inside of you and I am so very happy you are even getting glimpses.

    I believe you see it because you are doing the work to align with who you really are, but that doesn’t matter.

    It matters only that you see it.

    You made my day.


  5. Beautiful! It’s funny how easy it is to see qualities in others that we cannot see or refuse to see in ourselves. Sounds like you’re beginning to catch the glimpses! Great work 🙂

  6. I like this photograph of you too. And I really like this post. You have got me thinking a lot. I frequently find myself pondering the world around me but I don’t think I look inside myself as often as I should.

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