Best of 2009: Gwen Bell blog challenge

Today: What’s an article that blew you away?

Easy. The Atlantic magazine article titled What Makes Us Happy?

The article was one input to a long blog post about the puzzles that we all are. I found myself thinking about the article, and the study, long after I read it this summer. I refer to it constantly and circulate the link a lot.

The article describes a longitudinal study of 268 men over 72 years, whose goal was nothing short of understanding what contributes to happiness. What I took away from the article is that happiness is in our reactions. It is not driven by what we have, what we are born with, or even, to a large degree, what happens to us. It is by what we do with those things, and, even more specifically, how we respond to challenges and setbacks. The article’s conclusions are much more nuanced, of course: read more detail here.

Fascinating, inspiring and daunting in equal measure, I’ve returned again and again to this premise this year. May 2009 be the year I decided I needed to grow up and learn a bit more about resilence. I think the happiness of my life depends on it.

Naive

I have a rugged faith in the goodness of the human heart, a defiant sense that people are good at their core. I may come across as sarcastic sometimes, but I am not cynical. Fundamentally, I believe that people are trying their best and that if they stumble it is not out of any bad intentions. I really do. I try to assume the best rather than the worst, and generally I am proved right.

This faith has been tested lately. In August I found a web designer through a blog that I like. The designer is here: Eclectic Whimsy Designs. I contacted her and she responded quickly and we had a great dialog back and forth. I immediately liked this woman over email, shared with her many pictures that I wanted used in my blog design, and felt that she “got” me. Our emails bounced back and forth and I felt genuinely excited about a new design for my blog.

She asked me to pay her and I did, sending a check through the mail. During the last week of August she emailed me and said she would have something to show me by the weekend. I was ecstatic.

And then, silence. I have emailed her probably ten times since then. I connected with her friend through their etsy shop, and asked whether this behavior was characteristic. Her friend said no, it was not like Shawn to take money and walk away. I asked for Shawn’s cell phone number and I called her. She did not respond.

I am so deeply disappointed. I am shocked, actually. It is not about the money so much as about the fact that there are people who would behave like this. Also, about how wrong I was about her: I genuinely felt a connection with this woman, a real relationship. I am not often so utterly wrong in my assessment of other people (a skill that is a big part of my “real job”).

I feel naive and stupid for having so misjudged this woman, and for being so shocked that there are deceitful people in the world. How sad that I could be surprised by this! I suppose it is just a little chink in my faith in people, one step towards the cynicism that seems to overtake most people as they grow older. I don’t like it though. I want to fight this oncoming negativity, want to keep believing in the essential goodness of people. I am sad that this kind of negative energy exists in the world, and disappointed both in my own judgment and in a woman who I thought seemed very genuine and real. Am I wrong to be so upset?

Wow!

My morning – nay, my week or month – was made this morning when I read Ronna Detrick’s post. Ronna, I am so honored that you included my words. And then to have Kelly Diels, another writer who I so enormously admire comment, was icing.

Thank you both. I’m in bed with yucky cold/flu right now, but I feel like I’m floating on air.

Why I Write

There’s been a proliferation of interesting writing on the topic of Why We Blog this week. Ronna addressed it, focusing on three main points: that blogging is a way to get outside ourselves, is therapeutic, and is a way to tell our stories. She asserted, and I agree, that we all have myriad stories to tell. She hinted that in this telling we are both ourselves enriched and, possibly, privileged to participate in the growth of others. Ronna included an Isak Dinesen quote I love: To be a person is to have a story to tell.

She followed up this post with a second, the next day, about the way that “blogging is a way to create and experience community.” I very much agree with this point, which echoed Aidan’s thoughtful observations on why she blogs. I share the sentiment that blogging is a way to meet (and be met by) people whose lives and stories are very different from our own. I am sometimes keenly aware of the general homogeneity of my life. I love my life, of course, but I do have a certain restlessness of the spirit that is slaked, in part, by learning about people whose lives and choices are very different from my own.

So I’ve been thinking this weekend about Why I Blog. I know I feel a visceral impulse to share the stories of my life, both the mundane ones and the meaningful ones. I know that writing often helps me put shape around my nascent or amorphous thoughts, helps me understand the underlying current beneath a riptide of emotion. Joan Didion put it best: “I write entirely to find out what I am thinking.”

But there’s another, impossible to ignore, reason why I blog. After all, blogging both assumes and actively seeks an audience. Obviously I need, on some level, to know that someone is reading my words. I think this is a reflection of the basic human need to be truly seen. But is it exhibitionistic? Does it make the thoughts and content less meaningful? Is it the wrong thing, to want someone to be reading? I have thought about this a lot, struggling with the initial feeling that it is immature and needy of me to need someone to be out there reading me. On some level this is just a continuation of a pattern of needing to be validated and approved by the big bad world out there, isn’t it?

I think it is that, yes. But I think it is more than that too. I imagine that most writers write for an audience, whether it’s an audience of one (perhaps Steven King’s Ideal Reader) or millions. I cannot in good conscience claim the title of “writer” for myself, but I know that one reason I blog is because I hope to, someday, provide for someone else that shimmering sigh of recognition that some writing I’ve read has given me. That bone-deep sense of being not alone when someone else can put into words thoughts or feelings that have swarmed incoherently around my head and heart. If I can, someday, give a single reader that feeling that I have had so many times in my years of blog-reading, then I will be happy. It feels arrogant to even wish for that, but in truth, I do. I am personally sustained by those moments when someone else’s writing makes my heart physically swell with identification and awareness, and I aspire to provide that for someone else.

For me, more than the community, more than the catharsis, more than the story-telling, it’s about that. About that feeling of recognition, that single moment when you read a sentence or a paragraph and suddenly understand something you’ve known all along in a new way. Which, when I think about it, is sort of an amalgam of community, catharsis, and story-telling. I’ve been blessed to be on the receiving end of that feeling many times, and I continue to hope that I might provide it for someone out there.

To illustrate my point, here is one such passage – a paragraph that made me shiver because it put into such beautiful words something I’ve thought before. A paragraph that happens to be ABOUT that feeling. (oh so very meta).

Have you ever looked at, say, a picture or a great building or read a paragraph in a book and felt the world suddenly expand and, at the same instant, contract and harden into a kernel of perfect purity?
– Carol Shields, The Stone Diaries

Yes, I have. And I did just there. And that’s why I write.

(And no, I am not arrogantly comparing myself to one of the great writers of the last few decades. No. I come up to Carol Shields’ ankle. But she inspires me.)