Constellations

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Part of the Star Finder that Whit made in the second half of this past weekend’s Family Science Saturday about the night sky.

Our school has a marvelous tradition of offering Family Science Saturdays occasionally throughout the year. It’s a great joy to me that Whit really likes to go.  This past weekend, we spent Saturday  morning flat on our backs inside an inflatable planetarium.  Whit and I crawled into the silver dome of plastic through a low tube of plastic, and we took our places lying down with our feet in the middle and our heads at the outside of the circle.

Once our eyes had acclimated to the dark, Miss D, Whit’s Science teacher, began to talk to us about constellations.  Since the beginning of time, she averred, people have looked up at the stars, and tried to see patterns.

Isn’t that what we are all doing, all the time?  Looking – up, out, across, down – and trying to see a pattern in the assortment of details that we observe?  Witnessing, and naming, if we can, that vast design, after which I named this blog almost ten years ago?

Miss D turned on the projector, and the planetarium filled with constellations.  “Mum!” I heard Whit whisper in my ear.  “That’s Orion!”  I could not tell where hsi hand was pointing, because it was so dark.  But I nodded and looked back and forth along the curved ceiling, trying to find the three stars in a row that mark Orion’s belt.

“I can’t see it, Whit,” I murmured.

“Right here,” he took my hand and pointed it to the ceiling.  “Follow your hand.  Right there.  Looks sort of like a scorpion?”

“So,” Miss D began, “first, we’ll talk about Orion.”  She turned on a laser pointer and the red dot showed us where Orion was.  I could feel Whit nodding next to me.  Then she told us about Andromeda, Cassiopeia, and Perseus.  As I lay there, listening to her voice and watching the constellations above, I thought about Kilimanjaro, all those years ago, about seeing the Big Dipper and the Southern Cross int he sky at the same time, about my deep belief that life is about learning to navigate by the stars.

That’s still true, and I’m still learning.  I know how to find Orion now.  My son showed me.  One of a zillion things he’s shown me already, and I know there are at least a zillion more ahead.

Eleven years old

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Dear Whit,

Today you are eleven.  As I write this, a couple of weeks ago, I’m sitting at my desk listening to you sing along to 80s tunes.  Your favorite thing to do these days is to wear your new Beats headphones (thank you, Hadley) and listen to 80s metal (Living on a Prayer, Eye of the Tiger, Sweet Child of Mine, etc) as you do your homework.  You make me laugh so hard.  One recent morning, you were drinking milk in the kitchen while singing Eye of the Tiger.  I kept telling you to hurry, because we had to get to school.  You screwed up your face and sang louder.  I burst out laughing remembering how many times I drank beverages – admittedly, never milk – with Eye of the Tiger playing in the background.

You’re becoming who you are – or, more accurately, growing into who you’ve always been.  You are funny, funny, funny.  You’re also thoughtful and sensitive, the first person in the family to remember to ask how a doctor’s appointment was or a how a big meeting went.  You don’t miss a single beat, ever.  You have the memory of an elephant, which means I have to pay attention to what I say, because you will never forget it. Ever.  The combination of comedic bluster and deep sensitivity is at the core of your charm but also causes you some pain.  The ease with which you take things to heart isn’t always apparent, and you’re sliced by the world in ways that you – and that world, frankly – find surprising.

You are an avid hockey player (number 14, like your father before you, and your team’s leader in penalty minutes so far this year) and you play baseball, too (this year, you were drafted onto the Yankees in the major league, a tough pill for this Red Sox family to swallow, but your new coach and team seem great). Your truest love, though, seems to be science and inventing.  You’re a maker at heart.  This year your father and I bought you a workbench for the basement and set it up, and you love to go down to work with your soldering iron and various projects.

You want to be an engineer, specifically a robot designer, when you grow up.  If I was placing bets, I’m pretty sure you will do something in the engineering realm.  You are fascinated by scientific experiments and the periodic table and your favorite recent movie was The Martian.  In fact, you routinely mutter under your breath, “I’m going to have to science the *heck* out of this,” in homage to that movie.  You’ve always been a child who asks “why,” but lately I find myself turning to you with my questions.  For instance, on a morning run a few weeks ago, I wondered why it is that the sky is blue.  I honestly did not know.  And I thought, well, I can ask Whit.  So I did, and, naturally, you had an immediate and concise answer.

You still sleep with four animals (Beloved, Beloved’s Brother, and two others) and in the mornings you line them up carefully on your pillow.  This goes in tandem with the most cursory making-of-the-bed I’ve ever seen; the care with which you handle your dear animals and the speed with which you yank up your covers is, in combination, a great example of who you are. You remind me of my father, in your fascination with the way things work, in your absorption in a project, in your dogged desire to really understand a problem.  Just yesterday, my Dad (whose judgment about people I trust implicitly) told me that you will “carve a deep furrow,” and I agree with him.  It’s an honor to be standing here watching.

You love to read, and some of my favorite moments are when you and I sit in my bed next to each other reading.  I’ll forever remember 2015 as the year of Rick Riordan, because you spent much of it tearing through several of his series.  You also love Harry Potter, which I’m reading aloud to you.  This has been a multi-year effort, and something you and I both really love; I read all 7 with your sister in the same way.  We are halfway through book 6.  One of your Christmas presents was a tee shirt which says on the front “I Solemnly Swear I am Up to No Good,” and I wasn’t sure you’d wear it.  But you do, often and proudly.  In many ways, actually, Harry’s mischievous, thoughtful, and loyal nature reminds me of you.  He – and you – are excellent at some things and couldn’t care less about others.

You are funny and wise, and your observations about life, big and small, often stop me in my tracks.  You’re exceedingly aware of what’s going on around you and are able to make me giggle (like when you sang Ellie Goulding to me every day when I had vertigo, warbling “world is spinning round and round”) and cry (like when you observed that while Grace gets all the firsts, you get all the lasts) daily.  You are blond and blue-eyed and small and fiesty.  I know someday I won’t be able to carry you and curl into a twin bed with you to say prayers before bed, but for now, while I can, I will.  You still let me hold your hand sometimes crossing the street and come up to my office to deliver a hug when you get home from school.  I have so many, many wishes for you, my dear Whit, but one of the most fierce is that you never stop feeling the range of feelings you experience now.  I don’t want the world to tell you not to feel.  You do, and deeply, and it’s both familiar to me and something I’m proud of in a son (in a child of any gender, of course, but, somehow, this trait feels more threatened in a boy).

Your blue eyes, your blond hair, and your boy-ness startled me 11 years ago today when you were born in the wee hours of the morning, blazing into the world after a very short labor that I experienced mostly alone.  It was cold and clear and a blizzard began shortly after you arrived.  You were, and are, my last baby, my first boy, my dearly beloved son, the person who healed wounds I didn’t even realize I had from the deep postpartum depression I experienced after your sister’s birth.  I adore you unconditionally, and every single day that I get to spend as your mother is a privilege.

Happy eleventh birthday, Whit.

Love,

Mum

Things Grace and Whit do alone

I loved this post by Elisabeth Stitt about 10 things children need to be able to do on their own by middle school.  The post, and the topic, reminded me of Jessica Lahey‘s marvelous book, The Gift of Failure, which I read, loved, and reviewed this fall.  Lahey asserts, as does Stitt, that we need to let our children do more, in every way.  Their learning certain skills and activities both prepares them for adulthood and lifts some of the stultifying burden of doing everything from parents.

I share this view.  I want my children to emerge from our household able to do a load of laundry, cook a simple dinner, and interact confidently with adults.  With that in mind, here are a few things that I both encourage and expect Grace and Whit to do by themselves.  These tasks make my life easier (though at first I am always nervous, of course) but far more importantly they build their confidence and sense of mastery in the world.

Cook dinner.  Late this summer, when Matt was away, I went to a late afternoon yoga class and left both the children at home and asked Grace to make dinner. She cooked hamburgers on the stove, cleaned everything up, set the table, lit candles.  It was pleasurable for me and hugely gratifying for her.  She’s asked several times since them to be allowed to make dinner alone, and each time I joyfully say yes.

Fold and put away their laundry.  It was reading Lahey’s book that made me realize I have to stop putting away Whit’s laundry and refolding his tee-shirts when he rummages through them.  Who cares.  He can find what he needs, and the lesson of re-doing everything he does is far more toxic than letting a little mess stand.

Walk to and from school.  We don’t do this often in the morning, since I prioritize sleep.  As soon as our school allows it, I like Grace and Whit to walk the 0.75 miles home alone.  They know the way home that has stop lights and crossing guards, and I think they enjoy the downtime.

Solder metal.  Whit as a soldering iron and he uses it unsupervised.  It took both Matt and I a little while to get used to this idea, but the pride Whit feels when I wear a necklace he fixed for me with his soldering iron – every single time – delights me. Plus, I love that I didn’t have to go to a jeweler.

Shake hands with, address by name, and speak with adults. We are old-fashioned and use Mr. and Mrs. by default.  Grace and Whit still struggle in some cases to make eye contact with grown-ups, but it continues to be an expectation.  We spend a lot of time as a family and rarely seat the children at a separate table.  I expect them to interact with adults, to make conversation and respond when spoken to.  They’ve both learned from a very early age that it’s very important to ask questions of other people.  I’m constantly amazed at how few people do this.

Pack their own lunches.  I still sometimes do this, but the truth is I do that because I love it.  Grace in particular enjoys packing her own lunch and both are hugely capable of it.  Even when I pack lunch, they both know that the first thing they do when they come in the door after school is empty their lunch boxes and put the glass containers from the day in the dishwasher.

Do their own homework, alone.  Both kids know that if they need help or have a question, they can ask.  They do, from time to time.  Otherwise, the expectation is that they manage their own homework.  We received an email from school recently asking parents to back off from “helping” with homework.  In many cases it was clear the work was not done by the children themselves, the email said.  I laughed out loud, since while I have many issues, that is not one of them.  I think expressing interest in what they’re learning at school is vital.  I think doing their homework with them is damaging.

What should Grace and Whit be doing alone that they’re not?  What are your kids doing alone?  Do you agree with me that this is important?

Excited and sad at the same time.

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A short-lived smile, by the flower garden next to her cabin.  Cosmos always remind me powerfully of my maternal grandmother, Nana, and given the proximity of them to Grace’s cabin, I like to think she’s watching over her great-granddaughter at camp.IMG_6039

Right before the final goodbye.  Right before I took this, he looked at me and said “after this you are leaving, really?” nervously.  I nodded, and we took the photograph.  I don’t know if you can see his apprehension in his eyes. 

Last Thursday we dropped Grace and Whit at camp for 3.5 weeks.  This is her 5th summer and his 3rd.  I know, I know, I’m a broken record, but seriously?  It feels like we just took her for her first summer a week ago, so how is this possible?  As usual, I drove away in tears, and as usual, my heart was heavy for days after leaving them at camp.  Not because I doubt they’ll have fun, not because I worry about their safety or joy while away from me.  Not at all because of other of those.  Not even specifically because I’ll miss them, though I will.

But, mostly, the sorrow is due to the realization that I am already here, already at this point teetering on the edge of something very new and very scary, already at the day that many more years with children at home flutter behind me, like prayer flags in the wind, than do ahead of me.

Grace was weepy at drop off.  Truthfully, it was the hardest camp goodbye yet.  Well, maybe not harder than the first time, when she was 8.  But I was a bit taken aback by how sad she was, and by how hard it was to walk away.  Part of that was because we were early and many of her friends hadn’t arrived yet.  Part of it was just because she seemed to be in a cabin without counselors she knew.  And part of it is probably just because of this particular moment in life, which is marked by closeness and intimacy which both makes me anxious (should I worry?) and glad (I am grateful for our bond).

Within 24 hours I had decided, though, that it’s all fine.  Maybe it is better this way.  Perhaps the benefit of camp is not in spite of her finding it challenging this year but because of it.  That was quite a flip of attitude for me and it felt like something heavy had been lifted.  Yes.  Precisely this: the discomfort may be what makes it so valuable.  The uneasiness and tears speak to the growth.

On Tuesday night before we left, I tucked Whit in. He was quiet and visibly wistful. I flicked the light off and climbed into his narrow bed next to him and whispered, “It’s almost time for camp. How do you feel about that?  Excited?  Sad?”  He swallowed and, staring up at the slats of the bunk above him, said quietly, “Both.” I looked at his profile in the faint glow of the Bruins zamboni night light Grace gave him for Christmas, and it occurred to me that’s how I feel about camp too.  And, actually, it’s how I feel about every new vista of this parenting journey.  It’s how I feel about life itself: excited and sad at the same time.

Excited and sad at the same time.  Always.  The goodbyes and the hellos keep coming fast and furious, inextricably wound together.

Previous posts about camp: 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014

A weekend with Whit, and vertigo

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Whit turned ten in January, but we finally celebrated his birthday with a party (ish) on Saturday.  His best friend slept over on Friday night and we went indoor skydiving and surfing on Saturday at Sky Venture in Nashua, New Hampshire.  The boys had a blast.  The photos and video I have of Whit’s face in the skydiving chamber are priceless.

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After skydiving they went surfing.  This was really fun too.  I thought about the surfing camp I went to, in 2000, right before graduating from business school.  I found surfing really difficult.  Nevertheless, they were undaunted and unafraid.

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On Sunday, Whit’s baseball team had their first scrimmage.  For the first time in his life, he pitched.  I watched him on the mound and tears pricked at my eyes.  He has a long way to go but I’m proud of him for standing there alone, for trying, for opening himself up to failure like that.  It’s a lot of pressure, pitching.  I have a new respect for everyone who has taken the mound, whether in the World Series playoffs or on a Little League field.

Monday morning I woke up out of breath, the room spinning around me.  This has never happened to me before.  I had felt a bit off for days, truth be told: vaguely dizzy and just plain strange.  The best way I can describe how I felt last week is as though I was floating above myself, but not entirely inside my own body.  Monday I knew why.  I couldn’t stand up without falling over and the room kept spinning.  Thankfully Matt was able to stay home with me Monday and took me to the doctor who did some basic neuro tests and confirmed that this seems to be a garden variety episode of vertigo.

I’m writing on Tuesday morning and I still feel terrible.  Perhaps slightly improved over yesterday (I am sitting at my desk, but my head is hurting and spinning at the same time) but definitely not okay.  I still don’t want to drive.  I really just want to lie down.  There’s a limit to how long I can put my day job on hold.  I’m trying to accept the very loud message from the universe that I don’t control it – or anything.  This is both unpleasant and scary though, if I’m honest.

I keep thinking about Whit leaning forward into a tunnel of air or stepping onto a surfboard or the pitching mound.  I need some of his courage now.

Note: I was not compensated by Sky Venture for this post in any way.  This is just my personal experience.