How She Does It

Oh, Brettne.  Where to begin?  Brettne is so many things.  Most famously, she is a supremely accomplished literary agent.  She is a partner in Kneerim, Williams & Bloom and represents such fine authors as Courtney Sullivan, whose The Engagements I recently loved.

Brettne has several books out this fall that I’m excited to read, including bloggers Erin Gates’ Elements of Style: Designing a Home & a Life, Camille Styles’ Camille Styles Entertaining: Inspired Gatherings and Effortless Style, and The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, by PTSD expert Bessel van der Kolk.  I’m also really looking forward to Glamour book editor Elisabeth Egan’s first novel, A Window Opens, about a woman trying to have it all, which Simon & Schuster will publish next year.

Brettne is also a devoted mother, an enormously thoughtful reader, and the most gifted editors I have ever met.  I’m also honored and privileged to call her a dear friend of mine.  We talk often about the challenges and joys of juggling work and motherhood, about the books we want to read and those we’ve loved rediscovering with our children, about what it means to be a thoughtful, engaged human in a world that can devastate and amaze in equal measure, sometimes in the same day.  Brettne is a relatively new friend but she has become very dear very quickly.  I hope we’ll be close friends for the rest of our days, and am deeply grateful for her presence in my life. I was delighted when she agreed to answer my questions on How She Does It.  I know you will love her answers too.  If you want to know more about Brettne, she is active on Twitter and Instagram.

Tell me about the first hour of your day? (I often describe mine as being “fired out of a cannon”)

Ha! That’s hilarious. Well, I’m not a morning person, so the first hour of my day is like stumbling through a fog until I’ve had my first cup of coffee. My two daughters share a room and they’re usually up and raring to go pretty early. They have a lot of energy in the morning. My husband makes breakfast for the girls and gets the coffee going while I get ready for work. We gather around our kitchen bar to eat and caffeinate, and then I get the kids dressed, coiffed, and out the door. I try not to check my email or social media accounts until after I drop the girls off at school so that I can focus on them. That was one of my New Year’s resolutions–no iPhone until 8:20am. Very hard. It’s a work in progress.

Do you have a work uniform that you rely on for getting dressed? What is it?

If I have meetings I’m usually in a shift dress and heels, or my favorite black pants, a silk tank and a blazer. And then I try to remember to throw on a fun piece of gold jewelry to accessorize. Add mascara and a smile, and I’m on my way. I have this tweed blazer from Theory that I bought eight or nine ago because it reminded me of something my very stylish grandmother would have loved. I call it my security blanket–I wear it at least once a week. On Fridays I’m often in yoga pants disguised with a long sweater on top even if I have meetings all day!

How do you and your spouse resolve conflicts about scheduling?

We try to avoid such conflicts before they happen. For example, Lawton plays soccer after work on Wednesdays, so I avoid making plans that night. He also travels a few days each month. We work hard to stay on top of our schedules so that at least one of us can be home to put the kids to bed by 7:30. Lawton is supremely accommodating; he understands that my profession is very social–I go to lots of readings and work dinners; I’m also in two book clubs and I’m involved in the girls’ school. So I’m usually out two or three nights during the week. I’m also fortunate because our phenomenal babysitter, who has been with us for five years and who is basically my other spouse, is very flexible if one of us is running late or has a last-minute obligation, which is key for us because we don’t have family nearby who can help out in a pinch–my parents are in Houston and Lawton’s are in Atlanta.

Do you second-guess yourself? What do you do when that happens?

Daily! Hourly! I feel like I’m constantly making choices between my work and my family, and I don’t want to look back on these precious years with young kids and feel like I missed out on the everyday moments. Luckily, I have a great role model in my own mother, who worked outside the home throughout my childhood and who was always fully present when she was with us. I also have a very supportive spouse and an amazing network of girlfriends from all areas of my life–including you, dear Lindsey– who I draw on for support, comic relief, perspective and inspiration. I think we’re all just trying our best to balance our various roles as gracefully as we can while accepting that we will never be perfect and that a little messiness is ok.

What time do you go to bed?

My intention is to be in bed every night by 10pm. But the truth is I’m often not asleep before midnight. So many books, so little time! I always have something I have to read for work. And then I like to read something non-work related right before bed to clear my head and help me shake out any tension from the day. Usually it’s a novel or a New Yorker article. Or Vogue. The pile of books next to my bed is my Mount Kilimanjaro. I also have this Shakespeare app on my phone that gives me a scene a day and dissects it. I often read that before bed. I know that sounds super nerdy but I find reading and/or listening to Shakespeare relaxing. One of my clients who specializes in anxiety says it’s the iambic pentameter. The rhythm is soothing.

Do you exercise? If so, when?

Exercise is my therapy. I feel my best, both physically and mentally, when I’m exercising at least four or five times a week. I’m more present at work and more patient at home if I can burn off some of my daily stresses. I also do my best brainstorming when I’m running or cycling. I recently came up with an idea for a client’s novel when I was in spin class. But finding time to exercise is a challenge. Mornings are my prime time with the girls, and my days are usually filled with meetings and reading and conference calls. Still, I try to squeeze in some form of physical activity as often as possible, whether it’s half an hour at the gym, a barre class at lunchtime, or a brisk walk through Central Park after I drop the kids off at school. I always carry workout gear in my bag just in case I have an extra hour. I wish I were an early-morning-run person like you, Lindsey! If I had you as a running partner we probably would have dreamed up the next Harry Potter series by now.

Do you cook dinner for your kids? Do you have go-to dishes you can recommend?

We have family dinners every weekend–that’s when we do most of our cooking with the girls. The kids love to help out in the kitchen. As far as go-to dishes, we like simple foods like grilled salmon, sautéed green beans, roasted Brussels sprouts, corn on the cob, rotisserie chicken, pasta. My kids love to sprinkle sea salt on their vegetables, which cracks me up. I’ve found most young kids, including mine, love pesto even though it’s green and green is usually verboten. For inspiration in the kitchen I highly recommend Jenny Rosentrach’s two cookbooks. Her recipes are delicious and kid-friendly. And her whole attitude about family dining is so sensible. On school nights, our kids eat dinner with our babysitter at around 5:30. It’s tough for me to get home in time to make a proper dinner for them, as much as I wish I could. I feel really guilty about this because I know how important it is to eat meals together; hopefully our routine will change when the girls are a little older. My mother managed to pull together a delicious dinner for our family of five every single night. I don’t know how she did it.

Do you have any sense of how your children feel about your working?

That’s an interesting question—to be honest, I’m not really sure they think about it that much because it’s all they’ve ever known. I didn’t take long maternity leaves. Now that they’re older, and books are such a huge part of their lives, they’re becoming a bit more interested in what my job entails. Then again, there are plenty of times when I have had to hide in my bathroom to make a call because the girls don’t understand that my work doesn’t always stay at the office. All in all, though, I think and hope my children understand that I love my family more than anything in the world, and that I also enjoy and value my work, and that these are in no way mutually exclusive. And I hope that in some way my enthusiasm for my work will inspire them to pursue their passions and dreams.

What is the single piece of advice you would give another working mother?

I would want her to know that there is no right or wrong choice when it comes to parenting and caregiving decisions. You have to do what feels right for you and your family. Mothers face a lot of criticism these days, particularly on the internet–I don’t feel the judgment as much in real life, but I certainly see women attacking other women online, where it’s so easy to cast aspersions anonymously. But as long as you feel like you have made the choice that works for you and you have a strong support system in place, I think you can find that perfectly imperfect balance.

And, inspired by Vanity Fair, a few quick glimpses into your life:

Favorite Artist?

I studied art in college so this is a tough one. My favorite living artist is Elizabeth Peyton. Her portraits are so intimate and compelling; it’s impossible to look away. My favorite artists of all-time include John Singer Sargent, Frida Kahlo, Pablo Picasso, Edgar Degas, Henri Matisse… I am obsessed with Monet’s giant water lily murals, which I’ve seen several times and always find breathtakingly beautiful and modern. I also saw two incredible James Turrell retrospectives last year in New York and Houston. He is a genius; his work helped me appreciate light and space in a whole new way.

Favorite jeans?

Rebecca Minkoff.

Shampoo you use?

I have very fine hair so I have an extensive collection of volume-boosters in my shower. Right now I’m trying Living Proof.

Favorite book?

Another toughie, given my line of work. Leaving aside books by authors I represent… One Hundred Years of Solitude changed my life when I was 16. That is my desert island book. My mother let me read Gone with the Wind when I was in fifth grade. Questionable decision on her part, maybe, but Scarlett O’Hara remains one of my favorite characters in literature. I am named after Lady Brett Ashley in The Sun Also Rises, so I always feel like that one needs to be on the list even though my favorite Hemingway novel is A Farewell to Arms. And it just goes on: Heart of Darkness, Rebecca, The Hours, The English Patient, The Glass Castle, Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, Seabiscuit, Crossing to Safety, A Tale of Two Cities, To Kill a Mockingbird, Charlotte’s Web, Manhattan When I Was Young, the plays and sonnets of William Shakespeare…My favorite memoirs are Katharine Graham’s Personal History and Willie Morris’s North Towards Home. And of course I have read and reread every word that Jane Austen and Nora Ephron ever wrote. One of the many unexpected pleasures of parenthood is revisiting children’s literature and poetry with your kids. We are currently deep into the Little House on the Prairie series and I cannot get over her descriptions of the wide open landscape. So evocative.

Favorite quote:

“We are all works in progress.” –My mother

“Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy.” –Anne Frank

Favorite musician?

Bob Dylan. Also, being from Texas, I grew up listening to country music, which I still love for the storytelling. We listen to a wide range of music at home thanks to Spotify.

Favorite item (toy, clothing, or other) for your children?

The pink stuffed cat my dear friend Elisabeth Weed gave Eloisa when she was born. His name is Mr. Whiskers. He’s worn beyond repair, but he’s our Velveteen Rabbit and a vital member of our family. We all look out for him like he’s a pet.

I love this picture of Brettne’s girls on the walk to school, which she describes as the highlight of her day.  I can relate.

The bookshelves in Brettne’s office conference room.  I can’t wait to see them in person!

 Sabrina Parsons might be Super Woman.  And the thing that makes her the most superhero-ish, in my opinion, is her devoted commitment to bringing issues of working motherhood and what it takes for women to succeed in the workforce to the fore.  She is determined to keep an open dialog about these important issues, which you know I care deeply about, and in so doing she’s become one of the voices I listen to most carefully in this sometimes-cacophonous discussion.

 Sabrina is the CEO of Palo Alto Software, and she and her husband Noah have three sons. Sabrina writes about the work-family landscape for Fortune and recently attended the White House Summit on Working Families.  The fact that one of her sons accompanied her on that trip and shared the experience with her tells you a lot about Sabrina’s values.  She believes in taking her sons to work and encouraging her other employees to do the same, as as you can see below, she has a jammed, rich, wonderful life in which she weaves together motherhood and business success.  I’m inspired by Sabrina and know you will be too!  I highly recommend following her on twitter, too.

Tell me about the first hour of your day? (I often describe mine as being “fired out of a cannon”)

During the week the first hour of the day is all about getting the kids up and going, and getting out the door. My husband and I have an agreement where I get to work early, and he deals with most of the morning routine, and then I get home earlier and deal with the afternoon and dinner But it means in about an hour I get, up, help the kids get dressed, make beds, get showered, dressed, ready for work, and make sure our nanny has a note (written in Spanish) with everything going on for the day. I use Google Docs for the notes for our nanny, so that when I travel I can still write the notes and my husband can print them out.

Of course this is assuming that the 3 boys cooperate, and no one has a “fit” as we call them in our house. My 4 year old has recently been particularly difficult, so stubborn about things –like whether he is going to wear a sweatshirt when it is still only 45 degrees outside. Being that he is the baby, I know that too often I excuse his actions because he is a “baby” and because we need to all get out of the house. The older boys are not buying this anymore (and they are right), and I am working on dealing with the baby as a little boy, and not a baby anymore.

Do you have a work uniform that you rely on for getting dressed? What is it?

Working in a tech company, and in the northwest, I really have it pretty easy. When I have meetings with outside people, I dress up, but that still just means nice black pants/skirt and a nice top or jacket. Black is the majority of my closet, besides jeans, making it easy to make sure everything matches and looks business appropriate, no matter what. Most days I wear jeans and nice tops. As I have gotten older I definitely need to deal with my hair and make up more, which is absolutley the most time consuming part of my routine. 10 years ago I could get away with leaving the house with wet hair, some lip gloss and eyeliner. Those days are long gone.

How do you and your spouse resolve conflicts about scheduling?

We use a Google calendar. We can both see all of our work commitments on it, and then we have a shared “kids and home” calendar. If it doesn’t get on the calendar, it is likely not to happen.

Red is my calendar, orange is my husband’s, and purple is the “kids ad home” calendar. For the most part, I get to work early, and need to be home by 4:45. He gets home by 6. Occasionally when we both have something in the evening, we try and plan ahead, with our nanny, some babysitters, or if they can, my parents, who live in town.

Do you second-guess yourself? What do you do when that happens?

All the time. When the kids were younger, I had more emotional “mommy guilt” and second-guessed myself about what seems now like such little things. Things like temper tantrums, and whether or not to give in to a toddler, etc. Now I feel like the issues are bigger, as the kids are older. Do you let a kid deal with a problem with another child on his own? Do you step in and talk to the other kid’s parents? How much do you help with homework, vs letting them do (or not do it) on their own? Is it worth the fight to make the 2^nd grader do all the extra credit homework? Are we filling the kids schedules up with too many extracurricular activities? Or not enough? In Eugene, OR there are not great private school options, so the kids go to public school. In order to get music, and sports they have to do it outside of school. And then there are the language classes, and extra math classes (their public school classes are 25-30 kids, too big for individual math attention) etc..

 What time do you go to bed?

I usually got to bed around 11pm. I really try hard to make it to bed by 10pm, but by the time the kids are in bed and asleep (with ages from 4-10 years old, bedtime is spaced from 7:45-8:45 or 9pm during the school year), and I finish any work I need to do, it is usually already 10 or 10:30. And then I need a little downtime before I can actually go to bed.

Do you exercise? If so, when?

I am trying to make time 3 times during the week at lunch. This means booking the time on my calendar so that I don’t book lunch meetings, and other people in my office don’t book me either. Weekend are always really active with the boys, skiing every weekend in the winter, and then hiking, running, biking, kayaking ,etc the rest of the year.

Do you cook dinner for your kids? Do you have go-to dishes you can recommend?

I try. We don’t always have food in the fridge, if I haven’t had a chance to get to the supermarket. During the winter we ski, and don’t get home until Sunday night at about 8-9pm. It makes it hard to go grocery shopping and get enough food ready for the week. Sometimes Monday night we go out to dinner to a local healthy kid-friendly restaurant that is right next door to the grocery store so that we can shop for the rest of the week.

When I cook, I do fall into a routine menu for the week, as I usually have not had time to meal/menu plan before I go to the grocery store. Some go-to dishes everyone in our family likes:

1. Roasted chicken with veggies I get a whole chicken and put it in a roasting pan the night before. I put baby potatoes, sweet potatoes, baby carrots, onions, and some garlic in the pan along with the chicken, and the use olive oil, paprika, and smoke salt to rub the chicken, and I put 1 cup of chicken broth (store bought) in the pan on the veggies. I put the chicken in the oven as soon as I get home at 4:45, and then can run around getting kids to and rom swim practice, and extra curricular, so dinner is ready to eat around 6:30ish. It takes so little time to prep, cooks all by itself without me needing to watch it (I use a timer on the oven) and is a healthy dish with protein and veggies
2. A taco bar. I use corn tortillas, as they are healthier, not to mention more authentic. I get nice thinly sliced steak at the market to make carne asada tacos. I slice avocados, warm up some black beans (from a can- but organic and low sodium), chop tomatoes, grate cheese, slice some limes, and of course get some yummy fresh salsa, if possible from the Mexican market. The kids can then make their own tacos.

Do you have any sense of how your children feel about your working?

Because I have worked their whole lives they see it as normal. If I get really busy, and book too many evening meetings (I usually try to book evening meetings at 7pm so that I can get home and do the late afternoon/dinner routine) they quickly tell me it is too much, and I pull back. Sometime I get the “why don’t you pick me up at school- all the other moms pick up their kids”, but really the kids actually don’t do that more than a few times a year. Occasionally they realize that other moms don’t work, and then we have conversations about why I work, and why that is best for me and our family.

The hardest part is when I travel for business. I have to travel for work, and I hate it and the kids hate it. Its not crazy travel, but I do end up flying between 30,000-60,000 miles per year. When the kids were babies and nursing, my mom would come with me and the nursing baby would come. Then they got to the age where they were really hard to travel with, and I didn’t absolutely need to bring them anymore, as I was not nursing them anymore. Now as they get a little older, I try and bring 1 boy with me at a time, if my meeting schedule permits it. The older boys (almost 8 and 10) can sit quietly for an hour or so that I am in a meeting using their kindles and reading (or lets be honest, probably playing Minecraft). I let the person I’m meeting with know ahead of time, and everyone has been great about it. There are times of course when this doesn’t work—and I have too much going on, and I can’t bring anyone with me. I am actually writing this after being at a conference for 4 nights that was crazy busy and just not something I could pull off with kids without help. My mom was not available, so I just had to suck it up and go alone. It’s hard to call and have the kids miss me so much, and it’s hard to miss out on the everyday with them, and miss them so much.

What is the single piece of advice you would give another working mother?

Don’t apologize for being a mom. Working moms have to work together to show that we can work just as hard, bring a different viewpoint to the table than other people, and given the right flexibility will always go the extra mile and work as hard or harder than anyone else.

Corporate America needs to change, and we need to get more women in leadership roles. This means we need to figure out how to not “Mommy Track” people who could be our best leaders. From 35-45 years old is when men achieve leadership roles. Not surprisingly, from 35-45, women are often juggling babies and small kids. Their careers are often what they give up. I absolutely don’t judge a woman who makes that choice willingly, but too often I know women feel forced to do it because they are in positions with absolutely no support or flexibility.

And, inspired by Vanity Fair, a few quick glimpses into your life:

Favorite artist?

Right now, my older sons who go to a French immersion School, have been really into Matisse. I have been sharing their passion.

Favorite jeans?

I currently have a few pairs from Black House White Market that fit great, look great, and if they get ruined from something from the kids (wet paint on hands, Gatorade spilled, glitter glue that somehow doesn’t come off, etc.), are inexpensive enough that its not a big deal.

Shampoo you use?

Alba. Its organic, no sulfites, has a great coconut version for volume that works for my hair. I can also get it at our natural grocery store. I’m a no frills type of girl!

Favorite book?

Ahh to be able to find time to read. The last book I read was called “The Power of Habit” a great read, but really a business book, read for the book club we run at my company. The most recent fiction I read was Memoirs of a Geisha. It is a beautiful book, and inspiring. I love historical fiction and this book is just amazing.

Favorite quote?

“You don’t get what you wish for, you get what your work for”- The motto of my 2 older sons’ swim team.

Favorite musician?

The kids and I are digging Bruno Mars

Favorite item (toy, clothing, or other) for your children?

The kids and I all love their basketball shorts. They are comfortable, inexpensive, sporty, and easy to wash. I also love summer when the kids can just throw on flip-flops. No shoes to tie, easy to get on, and even the 4 year old knows which go on which foot.

Thank you, Sabrina!

Today I am absolutely thrilled to feature my dear friend Gloria Riviera in this months’ How She Does It.  Gloria and I met in 1990 at boarding school in New Hampshire, went on to go to college together, and it is one of the true joys of my life that we remain close friends.  I could not have known, back then when I was a lost and lonely 16 year old across an ocean from her family, how much this confident, charismatic, intelligent woman from Idaho would come to mean to me.  One of my enduring memories of high school is of the day I got into my first choice college.  I walked out of the post office, holding the acceptance letter, and saw Gloria across the quad.  I shouted her name and ran across the quad to hug her (she had already been accepted at same college).

That was the first of many life experiences I’ve been grateful to share with Gloria.  She hosted a baby shower when I was pregnant with Grace, we attended each others’ weddings (my children walked down the aisle in hers), we’ve shared the particular experience of drug-free labors and deliveries, and I am honored every day that she is Whit’s godmother.

In addition to being a loyal and steadfast friend and an adventurous and inspirational godmother, Gloria is just a flat-out, completely badass.  She is a journalist who lives in Beijing and while I’ve loved seeing her on TV a lot lately and am happy to see that she’s doing so well, I hate that all of the stories she seems to be covering these days are tragedies (I’m thinking mostly of flight 370 and the ferry disaster).  I admit I’m very much looking forward to her being back in the US and a lot closer to all of us.

Gloria’s answers to these questions are thoughtful and reflective, honest and funny, and absolutely riveting.  I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.  Thank you so, so much, Godmom Glo.  Nous sommes toujours les meilleures du monde.

1. Tell me about the first hour of your day? (I often describe mine as being “fired out of a cannon”)

This question begs a quick explanation before I answer. As a foreign correspondent it’s often black and white: I’m either home or I’m away on assignment. Home is Beijing, China where for the past year I have been working full time as a single parent to our two young boys, ages 5 ½ and 3 ½. My husband, also a journalist, lives in Washington D.C. where he started his dream job last September. We made the decision to do the cross-continent commute for both professional and personal reasons. I had yet to accomplish what I set out to do as a journalist in Asia, and we wanted to give our boys one more year living this wildly wonderful Beijing life, immersed in Mandarin at their beloved Chinese school and taking on everything from chopsticks to Kung Fu.

We came to Beijing for Jim’s job, but the boys and I stayed for mine. Many have raised eyebrows, taking me aside at cocktail parties or family gatherings to ask, “Is everything OK with you guys?” It is. When Jim’s job in DC came through, I was thrilled but had the
immediate thought, “I’m not ready to leave China.”

3 ½ years earlier it was Jim’s job that took us from London to DC when I happened to be on maternity leave from ABC News with the birth of our second son. With no immediate job available in DC, I decided to spend the year at home with our 3-year-old and infant.  I was over the moon for my two boys, but the sudden identity overhaul knocked me sideways. I call it the ‘both/and’ dilemma. I both loved being a new mom and…I wanted more.

When we moved to China I got more. The head of ABC News Talent (a working mom of three who had also taken a step back and then returned full force to the news business) took a chance and hired me to cover Asia. It really was a risk. I had not filed a single story in over a year and never reported from Asia. I had a newfound appreciation for the opportunity to do what I love and the fire in my belly was back. So when the choice was to quit and go with him or stay for another year, we both knew the answer.

My being in Beijing with two small boys is only possible thanks to the way working parents are supported in China. I won’t get into socio-economic delineations at this time, as it is another topic entirely. But in the case of middle to upper working class families, it is entirely common for one of three things to happen: either the grandparents play a hugely significant role in raising their grandchildren while the parents work or the children are supported by a national education system that accepts children as young as 18-months for the duration of the working day. Finally, there is the profession known as being an Ayi.

Xu Yan is a 52-year-old force of nature I can’t live without. She is our family’s Ayi, which is the word for ‘Auntie’ in Mandarin. In Asia, and particularly in China, an Ayi is a respected profession centuries old. There is no word for ‘babysitter’ or ‘nanny.’ Children often address any close female friend of the family as ‘Ayi’ to show both affection and respect for an elder. It is not uncommon for an Ayi working for an ex-pat family in Beijing to make more in annual salary than a recent college graduate from an esteemed Chinese university. That salary in China is approximately one quarter of what it would cost for a full time nanny in the U.S. In addition, tuition for excellent nursery and early grade schools in Beijing is about ½ or less the cost in the U.S. We’re extremely fortunate to have moved to a country in which we can afford both excellent domestic help and a terrific school for our kids. Did I mention my kids go to school from 8:30am until 4:00pm? Yup. When I asked my Chinese friend why children in China have such long school hours (starting as early as 18 months) she said, “It is China,” she shrugged, “We have a lot of characters to learn.” She has a point: the Mandarin ‘alphabet’ has a minimum of 3,000 characters to our 26.

When I am home, the first two hours of our day usually begins with one or both boys in bed with me, burrowed in tight like little boy Velcro. They used to sleep through the night in their own beds, in their own room. But when Jim went to D.C. the truth is we all needed a few extra cuddles (this coming from a devout Ferber-izer.) Hopefully, I wake up before either boy around 6:30. I stay in bed with them for a short morning meditation or prayer (gratitude levels ebbing and flowing pending the night’s sleep interruptions) and then get them up. Caden protests but Tristan is always eager to open the curtains to check the air. In Beijing we struggle with sometimes horrendous pollution levels. The children are only allowed outside for recess if the AQI (Air Quality Index) is below a certain level. That’s about 150. To give you a sense of comparison the World Health Organization defined anything over 50 as hazardous. The city with the worst pollution in the U.S. is Bakersfield, CA where the average AQI of about 64. In Beijing we regularly hit 200 and higher. If the air is good, Tristan knows he gets to play outside. If it is not, he will complain, recently even taking God (a new subject of curiosity) to task, “God, I asked you for good air!!” One the air is assessed and little brother is awake, we head to the kitchen.

Breakfast is our family meal, as I am not often home for dinner. Xu Yan prepares this meal (and my coffee, in further proof she is a saint) and I savor every moment of that luxury to focus on the boys and talk to them about the day past and ahead. Then, between the two of us we get the boys dressed in their blue uniforms reminiscent of Chairman Mao. Often I’ll throw in a little dance party jumping on the bed if we have time. Currently the boys are rocking to Macklemore, Robin Thicke and Maroon Five. By 8:00am give or take we are piled into the car with Mr. Lao Du at the wheel on the way to school. Usually Daddy calls to speak to the boys, as it is the end of his day in DC. By about 8:30am we are at school where I get to walk the boys all the way to their classroom door. I love this time because as a working mom it gives me several chances per week to see their teachers face to face. Afterwards I either head to work or back home to exercise pending my schedule.

On the flip side, if I am on assignment Xu Yan is entirely in charge. I try to call during breakfast to speak to both boys. They always start with, “When are you coming home?” One of the hardest parts of my job is that often the answer I have to give is, “I don’t know, honey.” The not knowing is tough for them. And the more I am away, the less they want to talk to me. The other day Tristan sighed and said, “I know, I know, you love me, you miss me, blah, blah, blah.” Ouch.

2. Do you have a work uniform that you rely on for getting dressed? What is it?

As I type I am driving off of Jindo Island in South Korea on my way back to Seoul. I’ve been on assignment covering the country’s recent ferry disaster for nine days, all of them in the same pair of well worn 7 for All Mankind jeans. I don’t love wearing jeans in the field (once they get wet they stay wet) but I was wearing them when I made a mad dash to PEK airport. My husband calls my on-air look “Adventure Glo” because I favor the same outdoor gear story to story. I worshipped my Asolo hiking boots, but eventually even duck tape could no longer save them on assignment on the eastern Himalayan plateau and I also buy 5.56 ammo online for this trip to end safely. The mountains, stories and boyfriends those boots had seen me through! I’ve got some new Solomon low-rise hiking trainers now only because I can’t find the Asolos in China.

For tops, I wear a lot of Patagonia & REI. Icebreaker is also a terrific brand that makes fitted shirts for women. Lightweight pants with pockets and a good belt for hooking in my IFB or microphone battery pack are key. I always wear pants, even in Iraq or India in 100+ degree heat because show me a 40-year-old woman who wants to appear on national television in shorts. Can you even deliver the news in shorts? I don’t think so. A shirt that doesn’t show sweat is critical, because you don’t want people staring at your armpits when you are trying to tell them something you’d like them to know. Recently I discovered Nike makes an amazing, long sleeve, quick dry running shirt with a zip collar in terrific colors. I wore a teal one for about seven days’ straight just now. This year ABC News sent me an ah-may-zing extreme weather jacket in bright blue that I love and wear even when I am not working despite the massive “ABC NEWS” logo. There is this weird thing in TV news where even in freezing weather wearing a hat is sort of verboten. But I love skull caps and beanies and I wear them anyway. I wouldn’t wear, like, a pom-pom hat (see above: sweat, shorts) but if I am freezing I can’t think straight. Often on disaster stories I am packed for a 2 or 3 day stretch and end up staying a week or more. I can’t tell you how many times the Salvation Army or Red Cross or a Christian Church group has come to the rescue. These organizations are often on disaster sites within the first 24 hours and shortly thereafter are handing out socks, shirts and yes, even underwear. I have amassed quite a coterie of standard issue emergency underwear. Whenever someone asks my mother if reporting is glamorous, she never fails to share the fact I am often wearing handout undergarments from the Salvation Army.

Our Beijing bureau is small and casual so when I am not on assignment I get to wear whatever I want. I try to ‘up’ my game during working hours but the older I get the more I prioritize comfort with cool. I favor funky, fun and very well made tee-shirts (Marvel comic logos are a recent obsession) with skinny but not muffin-top inducing jeans and heels, converse sneakers (with a wedge or platform) or a brightly colored pair of retro-trainers such as New Balance or Puma. I’ve never met a leather bomber jacket or pair of motorcycle boots I didn’t love. I keep ‘on air’ outfits in my office, and mainly these are well-fitting knits or silk blends (Joseph, Vince, Joie, Michael Kors) in camera friendly colors. ABC once sent a stylist to my house and she basically gave up after ten minutes.  But as my boss likes to remind me, “We work in a visual medium.” I think working outside of the US for so long has made me forget how absolutely amazing women on national networks look each and every day, in any array of settings. Think of Christiane Amanpour in her safari jackets, or Diane Sawyer in those fabulously crisp white button downs at the anchor desk or her black trench coat out in the field. These days I also think Robin Roberts and Amy Robach of Good Morning America have terrific style, and the always sharp Ann Curry of NBC.

When I go to New York or London for meetings with the powers that be, or on the odd occasion I have a formal interview or appear in the studio, I’ll wear a dress from Rebecca Taylor, Diane Von Furstenberg, Ellie Tahari or a suit from Theory. I wear Coach, Cole Haan or Stuart Weitzman heels because in my job I might be running in them at a moment’s notice. Outside of work I love to pair my casual outfits with killer heels, which I hope my husband appreciates. I’ll wear high to low end, whatever works!

3. Do you cook dinner for your kids? Do you have go-to dishes that you can recommend?

I love to cook and wish I had the time to do more. When on extended maternity leave I did all the cooking. In China, one of the great pleasures here has been learning to enjoy and cook authentic Chinese cuisine, from Yunnan to Sichuan. Week to week Xu Yan Ayi and I discuss a meal plan but if I claimed I had any real say in the kitchen she would probably quit. On vacation, and I am sure when we return to the U.S., I will cook more.

Mark Bittman and Jamie Oliver are two of the other men in my life. I do a mean version of Jamie’s chicken pie with sausage and leeks, and a 20-minute soy-honey-grilled salmon that never fails. My kids love my corn on the cob boiled in milk and sugar, and I also do an amazing oatmeal pancake batter that uses neither white flour nor sugar and is a family favorite. Thanksgiving is a week-long preparation, which my mother usually flies in for and which we’ve put on in London and Beijing. The comfort foods in our house are pumpkin or banana bread and Toll House chocolate chip cookies. One of my favorite things to do if I ever have the time is to prepare mini-muffins the night before, so the house smells like freshly baked goods first thing in the morning. This happens far more in my mind than in reality.

4. How do you and your spouse resolve conflicts about scheduling? Do you second guess yourself? What do you do when that happens?

This year has been trying as we’ve had to find a way to make Jim’s job demands, my job demands and the kids’ schedules work with a 15-hour flight from DC to China and 12-hour time difference. The factors might be unusual, but at the heart of things I think we struggle like any couple struggles to nurture a family and a relationship at the same time. We agreed to try not to go longer than 4 to 5 weeks without a visit, but that hasn’t always been the case. There is room for improvement. At the same time, this year we mutually agreed to prioritize our availability to cover breaking news, saying ‘yes’ to nearly every assignment that has come our way. I can’t think of an instance in which I have said or wanted to say no. That has reaped real benefits. But, there is a cost. It has compromised our time together as a couple and a family. I often joke I sometimes feel like I am one half the senior partnership running Sciutto-Riviera, Inc.

The last time I was in the US with the boys I barely saw my husband. Somehow we’ve gotten to a place where much of the time we are handing off parenting like a baton on a race track. We are aware of the issue, squeezing in date nights even if I am yawning as we open our menus. I can be the queen of the sleep-deprived-useless-argument-instigators. I imagine it must be true of any couple that with time, love is acknowledged in the most simple of gestures. One of my favorites is holding hands. I love to hold my husband’s hand, and these days that is often romance enough.

There have been missed weddings, birthdays, events of importance to me and more that I have had to miss or attend without Jim. There have also been those we’ve moved mountains to make work. Jim stopped going into Iraq two weeks before our son was born and has not been back since. That was big. We also make time where we can. Last summer I tacked on an extra day to take my godson and his sister to the bookstore and for ice cream. Somehow I remember nearly every detail of that day, and it reminds me that taking that time when I can is important.

I most definitely second guess myself. I know my husband and I both wear the pace of our lives like a badge of honor, but we also need to slow down. Recently I was torn up over spending our summer vacation entirely with my in-laws or my family. After a discussion and yes, a squabble, we realized we needed time alone without the kids somewhere more romantic than a movie theatre. Happy to say our flights are booked.

In day to day life, I have visions of coordinated, shared iCal schedules on our iPads but this may be as realistic as the mini-muffins I fantasize about making each morning before the boys get up. When we are reunited as a family this fall in Washington, DC I imagine our social outings will narrow a bit to our neighborhood and school community as our eldest enters kindergarten. On one level I am ready for that. Even in China, when we were together here, weekends were for our family. But the ‘fix’ of ex-pat life is that even an everyday weekend can be full of adventure and discovery. I hope to find a way to discover the same back home.

5. What time do you go to bed?

I try to be in bed by 10:30pm. Lately, that is inching up which is awesome. Or, I ‘accidentally’ fall asleep with the boys. When on deadline I don’t sleep because our evening news program World News airs at 6:30am Beijing time and our longer format magazine program, Nightline, at 12:30pm. In that case, I usually come home to see the boys, take them to school and then try to sleep between about 9:30am and 1pm or later. But last night it was 12:15am and I was back up at 6am. Fail!

6. Do you exercise? If so, when?

Yes! If I wasn’t a reporter, I’d love to pursue my degree in fitness and nutrition. Exercising is my sanity-saving ‘me’ time. It is how I relax, hit the ‘reset’ button, and rock out to Britney, David Guetta, and Pitbull. I have long been a runner, but had to give that up in Beijing due to the pollution. When faced with figuring out how to stay fit and sane in China, my husband and I worked with a phenomenal trainer, a British-Brazilian former military officer named Tony Nicholson. Jim was skeptical it would be worth it, but in the end, I was right. Love those three words, and Tony’s approach really added a touch of tactical fitness to my routine.

Anyway, Tony radically restructured our approach to fitness, nutrition, sleep and Chinese traditional medicine. He helped me devise an efficient, whole body workout I can do in some form or another in about an hour both at home and on the road when on assignment. When at home, I do Tony’s gym workout two or three times a week, from 5:45 to 6:45am or after drop off at about 9:30am. I have been practicing Bikram yoga since 1998 and go religiously once a weekend. Finally, I like to add in a workout that varies. At the moment I am boxing with a Chinese trainer once a week after school drop off. While on assignment I try to squeeze in 1 or 2 workouts if at all possible, usually towards the end of the story’s run. I find even 30 minutes on the treadmill gives my endorphins a jolt and helps me focus. Tony also encouraged us to work on our sleep habits, juice daily and pay attention to our well-being with regular massage and acupuncture. We don’t come close to what the ideal scenario would be, but we’ve made real strides. I think the fact Jim and I took this on together helped enormously because our health & fitness is now a shared priority. If I am nagging, grumpy or just being a bitch, Jim will say, “I think you need to go to yoga or workout.” And he’s right.

7. Do you have any sense of how your children feel about your working?

And I thought I was going to get through this without a hitch. My oldest is 5 ½ and my youngest 3 ½. They both seem to have a resigned acceptance of the demands my job put on me. Mostly, what it has meant it that it takes me away from them. They are still so little. But Tristan, my eldest, and I have spoken about what it is that his father and I do. We tell stories, lots of different kinds of stories. Sometimes we tell stories about the bad guys, so that people know how to keep themselves safe.

Sometimes we tell silly stories about monkeys or pandas or St. Bernards living in Italy. I have just started to explain to Tristan that an important part of what I try to do is help people who can’t speak for themselves do so. That’s a bit over his head. But he is starting to get it. When I spoke to him from South Korea, covering the disaster in which over 300 high school students lost their lives, he abruptly said, “Mom I know about the ferry. I know there were a lot of people on board and it sank.” That was a gutting moment. What am I supposed to say to him? I told him we are all trying to figure out why it happened so that it won’t happen again. Seeing my on TV doing what he thinks is ‘cool’ helps a lot.

But I have been away more than 40 days and nights this year and I rarely pick them up from school. My own mother worked and I was desperate for her to be one of the moms that waited for me in the lobby during ballet class. She never was because she worked. We are extremely close, and I massively admire her for pursuing a career against many odds. But I know that feeling, and I see it when I do get to pick them up. It’s a work in progress, this juggle, but I am acutely aware the time is passing and soon my boys won’t be sprinting out the classroom door and into my arms when they spy me in the hall.

8. What is the single piece of advice you would give to another working mother?

Now you are asking the absolute last expert on earth, but I will give it a shot. I would ask whether you ever have moments when you believe you would do your job even if you didn’t earn a dime. If you walked away, would you look back? You don’t have to be passionately in love with your work every day. Who is? Besides Tina Fey. What I am getting at is that if there isn’t a part of you that is fulfilled in a meaningful way on some level, moments gone in a flash but there, it makes the trade off that comes with being away from your kids far more difficult.

I feel like I have a switch. The moment I feel a story is over, or I am completely burnt out, I just want to GO. I get grumpy and anxious and have to focus or I will disengage. I start envisioning myself walking through the door and seeing my boys. But when a story is unfolding I am totally engaged in witnessing it, I am filled with purpose, adrenaline and energy. That’s the part I love and what sustains me.

Being fulfilled might come in any host of shapes or forms. It can be black and white and economic. It might have to do with not giving up, even when work is crap. And if that’s where you are I’d say stick with it, because professional satisfaction ebbs and flows. What remains is whether you believe what you do contributes to the example you want to set for your children, the life you want to live, the opportunities you want to give them, the personal growth and challenge your work provides and so much more. The list here is endless and highly personal. My humble advice is if you can make your own list, then you know you have something to hold onto…even when you miss bedtime for the 4th night that week.

Favorite Artist?

Photojournalists Sebastian Salgado & Nick Ut

Favorite jeans?

Currently: 7 for All Mankind, Current/Elliot & J Brand

Shampoo you use?

I try to stock Biolage in between visits to the US. China imports high-end shampoo at eye watering mark-ups. So when I am out of Biolage, it’s Pantene. I love Moroccan Oil for my dry and wild hair. And when I visit you Linds, I get to try fancy Frederic Fekkai, a treat!

Favorite Quote?

Be Here Now. This is a quote I first learned in Swahili ‘Kua Hapa Sasa’ when I visited Kenya at age 15 with two of my high school teachers. We stayed with a Masai family they had known during their many years with the Peace Corps. It was a profoundly impactful experience that shaped my desire to become a foreign correspondent. (note from Lindsey: this answer gave me goosebumps – Gloria and I have never discussed this, but clearly we both adore these words)

Favorite Musician?

This is probably the toughest question you could ask me!

Pearl Jam
David Guetta
James Taylor

Favorite item (toy, clothing, or other) for your children?

When my brother, with whom I am very close, met my son Tristan for the first time he bequeathed to him a much loved and yet inexplicably named stuffed Penguin called ‘Soy Bean.’ Tristan has not spent a night without Soy Bean. When Caden was a baby and I was half-crazed with fatigue, my sister’s nanny gave him a little stuffed giraffe. Of course we had inundated Tristan, our first child, with endless stuffed animals the moment he arrived. This woman gently reminded me that #2 needed his own goodies. ‘Bubbies’, as the giraffe was named, always reminds me of that lesson.

I’m delighted to feature Amy Williams in this months’ How She Does It interview.  Amy is the President of Citizens for Humanity jeans, a mother of five (three amazing stepchildren and twin daughters), a reader, a thinker, an absolutely wonderful human being, and someone I’m honored to call my friend.

It was a tremendous privilege and a huge pleasure to have lunch with Amy in New York last year, and I only wish we lived closer to each other.  I know that many of the questions and issues that preoccupy me are central to her life as well, and I love following her on Twitter and Instagram.  I am thrilled to share her thoughtful answers with you today.

 Tell me about the first hour of your day?  (I often describe mine as being “fired out of a cannon”)

It all depends what you count as the first hour…Evelyn who is 4 ½ does not have the best sleep habits ( entirely my fault ) and usually comes into our room at 2 or 2:30 am. She comes over to my side of the bed and whispers “Mama” and I then pull her into bed and snuggle with her until about 5 or 5:30 am when I often describe her as being “shot out of a canon,” we let our dog Percy out, and I wander into the Kitchen for black ice coffee for me. My husband wakes up a couple minutes before this routine and is typically reading the NYT in the Kitchen. She and I cuddle on the couch, watch tv and then soon start some art project while all the other kids come to life. From there..Scott makes our oldest Jackson breakfast and takes him to High School ( he is a sophomore ) and I make Ben and Sophie breakfast, get them ready for the day and take them to school..our car is for sure more fun and includes the girls and Percy!

I work from a home office much of the week and then travel to LA a day or two a week and on occasion to NYC, Europe and Japan. I am incredibly fortunate to spend time with the kids until they go to school or our nanny comes and not have to spend time commuting each day. I think it makes me more focused both with them and at work.

Each week, I go to LA for the day and the routine is totally different. 5 am wake up call, shower and taxi to the airport. Emails on the way and sometimes an early morning call. Airplane ride to LA is usually filled with work and ride home is usually magazine reading or catching up on Parenthood or Downton Abbey.

Do you have a work uniform that you rely on for getting dressed?  What is it?

Citizens of Humanity jeans of course, often a white shirt or black silk top and my most recent love..Celine Pony Van’s.  When I am in LA or going to meetings…A heel instead of the Celine Van’s, a Stella Mcartney black blazer which I have made too much of a “uniform” or another jacket or Soyer sweater.

How do you and your spouse reserve conflicts about scheduling?

We actually don’t have too many conflicts about it now…as much as we have conflicts about our style. I love calendars and organization and LOVE planning in advance. He goes more day by day which is a good (and likely better strategy ) when managing 5 kids and joint custody.  I don’t always do a great job communicating and have gotten MUCH better and we still struggle with managing between two houses and a third style of communication and expectations.

Do you second-guess yourself?  What do you do when that happens?

As a parent, often but it is lessening as I get older, as a person same…as a professional, not that much.

What time do you go to bed?

9:30. Sometimes earlier which is a TOTAL luxury.

Do you exercise?  If so, when?

I have been again and it makes a WORLD of difference to me. On the weekends, in the morning if I can or in the late afternoon…During the week when traveling I LOVE SoulCyle and love that I can walk to one in LA and one in NYC from my favorite hotels. At home, newly addicted to Body by Simone TV 30-40 min videos that are great or a hike near our house..

Do you cook dinner for your kids?  Do you have go-to dishes you can recommend?

I’ve been cooking more though my husband is a REALLY good, intuitive, use-what-you-have cook. I love ALL of Ina’s books and my go-to’s are all from her…Turkey sausage lasagna is great for sleepovers, Parmesan crusted chicken, Bloody Mary tri-tip and a favorite re-creation of the Ivy grilled veggie salad with shrimp.

Do you have any sense of how your children feel about your working?

I think the girls wish I did not work BUT love the person who takes care of them…they ask me to do things with them in the morning and I often wish I could..I don’t really know what the older kids think though I hope that since they were 2, 4 and 7 when Scott and I met that they know that I love them and that all of the decisions he and I have always made about life and work have been with the kids in mind first. We chose to start our business because of them and what it would allow us to do and be as parents, and decided to leave it, work with Citizens of Humanity for the same reason, eventually filing an alabama corp amendment to reflect changes in our business structure. This amendment ensured that our company remained compliant with state regulations as we adjusted to our evolving goals and responsibilities.

What is the single piece of advice you would give another working mother?

Be Kind to yourself and know what your REAL and your own priorities are..For example, I say no to a lot of social things that don’t involve our family when I am home. At the end of the day, I am lucky to have a husband who is my best friend, kids that I adore, a few friends that I cherish and couples/friends that have similar values. I love the team I work with and don’t feel like it is work…

And, inspired by Vanity Fair, a few quick glimpses into your life:

Favorite Artist?

Elizabeth Peyton

Favorite jeans?

Citizens of Humanity Emerson Fit

Shampoo you use?

Cowshed

Favorite book?

Anything by Dani Shapiro

Favorite quote?

Live as if there is no tomorrow.

Favorite musician?

Amos Lee

Favorite item (toy, clothing, or other) for your children?

Our treehouse built with so much love

 Thank you, Amy!!  

This series is inspired by many things, but most recently and significantly by the blog What Would Gwyneth Do and her marvelous series, I Don’t Know How She Does It.