2015 in retrospect: April, May, and June

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Grace’s hockey team won their league, and I had tears in my eyes watching them standing as the anthem played.

Grace played the donkey in the sixth grade performance of Shrek, and it was a triumph, enormously moving to watch.

Whit celebrated his 10th birthday by indoor skydiving, and I marveled at his courage and joy.

I had vertigo.  Terrible, terrible, terrible.

I celebrated my 15th reunion from business school.

My favorite posts:

The primacy of interiority
The season of amazement

Everything is changing
What’s next for me as a writer?

My favorite quote I shared:

As for me, I see both the beauty and the dark side of things; the loveliness of cornfields and full sails, but the ruin as well.  And I see them at the same time, at once ecstatic at the beauty of things, and chary of that ecstasy.  The Japanese have a phrase for this dual perception: mono no aware.  it means “beauty tinged with sadness,” for there cannot be any real beauty without the indolic whiff of decay.  For me, living is the same thing as dying, and loving is the same thing as losing, and this does not make me a madwoman; I believe it can make me better at living, and better at loving, and, just possibly, better at seeing.

– Sally Mann, Hold Still

2015 in retrospect: January, February, and March

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Whit turned ten in January.

We had heroic, apocalyptic snow in Boston.  That coincided with my annual crazy month at work in a way that made February feel totally separate from real life.

We went to Paris with my parents and my children in March.  I love traveling with both my parents and Grace and Whit, and seeing them together on the street where I lived as a small child was indescribably powerful.

My favorite posts:

Her wounds came from the same source as her power
The increasing vulnerability of right now
A blur of otherworldly white

Parenting a tween: an exercise in presence

My favorite quote:

If we want to know what it felt like to be alive at any given moment in the long odyssey of the race, it is to poetry we must turn.  The moment is dear to us, precisely because it is so fugitive, and it is somewhat of a paradox that poets should spend a lifetime hunting for the magic that will make the moment stay.  Art is that chalice into which we pour the wine of transcendence.  What is imagination but a reflection of our yearning to belong to eternity as well as to time?

– Stanley Kunitz

Around here now, my ordinary life

Tomorrow I’m going to start my first of four posts reflecting on 2015.  I know!  Already!  But with that in mind, I wanted to capture what the last few weeks have been like around here, in photographs.  Most of these images I’ve shared on Instagram (lemead) with the hashtag #everydaylife, because that’s what they are.  By photographing and memorializing the details of my regular old life in words, I hope to remember them, since I know that it’s in the grit that the glitter lives.  That was, after all the original purpose of this blog when I started it over 9 years ago.

When I was working on this post I read Katie’s gorgeous piece, Lighting Our Candles, her acknowledgment that ordinary work is a refuge, all we can do, and an occasional source of great joy.  I adored her words, and felt deeply reassured by them.  They reminded me of my own reflections from years ago that life’s quotidian demands can both hem us in and keep us together.

Katie’s post felt like an exhale, a reminder that I’m not alone, that my sense of rawness and raggedness is both internal and external, that feeling buffeted by the world these days hardly makes me insane.  So, with her words echoing in my mind and with my renewed sense that celebrating the small moments is both all I can do and simultaneously the most important thing I do, are a few scenes from around here lately.

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What a gift that Grace and Whit still enjoy reading picture books.  The Christmas Magic by Lauren Thompson and Jon Muth and The Birds of Bethlehem by Tomie dePaola are two of our very favorites.  As it very often does, reading together that night smoothed the edges of what had been a very rough day.

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We put up our tree.  As we decorated it, we discussed how some trees are decorated with beautiful, coordinated ornnaments and some are decorated with sentimental ornaments and sometimes those two things don’t coexist.  Ours is the latter, they concluded swiftly.  That’s ok by me.

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I traveled a lot for work the first couple of weeks of December, and one night I was away Matt sent me this photo of dinnertime.  I won’t lie to you: it made me cry.  But I love it, too.

Finally, some skies, because there’s no faster and surer way to bring me back to right now, to wonder and gratitude, to realizing how very full with beauty this life is.  I realize that admiring the sky doesn’t necessarily qualify as the “ordinary work” this post is meant to celebrate, but maybe, in some ways, it does?  Looking, watching, seeing, noticing: in some ways those are a big part of my everyday work.  I know that now.

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Sunset from my office, December 7, 2015.IMG_9069

Sunrise from the air between Boston and Chicago, December 9, 2015.

This is what I have.  This is what I see.  This is what I feel.  In a moment that feel so intensely dark – literally, but also metaphorically – these feel like small, small things.  But maybe they are also as big as life itself.

Holiday ideas

For the last couple of years I have shared some book ideas for holiday gifts (2014, 2013, 2012).  Many of the books I mentioned in those posts – particularly those for young children – are still at the top of my list.  Those favorites don’t change much.  Still, each year there are a few new books that my children and I have loved that I want to share.   This year, I also have a couple of non-book favorites that I wanted to mention here.

Books for children:

Goodbye Stranger – Grace and I both read and loved Rebecca Stead’s new book.  It broaches timely and important themes in an approachable and entertaining manner.  Highly recommend!

Percy Jackson’s Greek Gods – I’ve mentioned Whit’s passion for Percy Jackson and he’s now reading the Heroes of Olympus series.  This book is already set to go under the tree of him.  It reminds me of D’Aulaires’ Book of Greek Myths which is a book I myself loved as a child (and which Whit already has).

Everest – Gordon Korman’s trilogy riveted Whit (and was his only recent non-Rick Riordan reading).

The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian – Grace is reading Sherman Alexie’s classic at school and loving it.  She did point out that it’s “probaby for older kids” as it has some “inappropriate stuff.“ Duly noted.

On a Beam of Light: A Story of Albert Einstein – This picture book is my favorite recent find.  It has a dreamy quality and describes Einstein as a curious child who just can’t stop asking why things are the way they are.  Whit, my little wonderer, adores it. 

Enormous Smallness: A Story of E. E. Cummings – Another picture book that has recently captivated our house.  It evokes Cummings’ joyful childhood and shares some short passages from his work.  A beautiful reminder that there are many ways to dent the universe, and of the power of paying attention.

Books for adults:

Felicity: Poems – Mary Oliver’s new collection of poems has a lambent lightness and a new focus on human love (rather than the natural world) which seemed like a departure to me.  I love every word this woman writes.

Hold Still: A Memoir with Photographs – Sally Mann’s lyrical memoir contains pages of gorgeous photographs.  A great gift for lovers of modern art, of the South, or personal history.

A Window Opens – Elisabeth Egan’s debut novel was one of my favorite reads of this year.  I reviewed it in more detail here, but this is a wonderful book whose themes – being a mother and a daughter and a professional and trying to juggle a great many balls and occasionally dropping some – deeply resonated with me.

Our Souls at Night –  My other favorite novel of 2015 was, rather than a debut, a final book.  Kent Haruf’s beautiful story manages to be grave and graceful at the same time.  I adored this book.

 Brave Enough – I reviewed Cheryl Strayed’s new book of quotes recently, and think it’s a terrific gift for any person in your life who loves quotes, anyone who lives writing, anyone who seeks truth. 

Non-book gifts:

Nicely Noted subscription.  I’ve been receiving letterpress cards in the mail from Nicely Noted for more than a year now, and I just love the concept.  I’m a big fan of actual paper cards in the mail, and I love supporting small businesses, both of which Nicely Noted does in spades.  Highly recommend.  Olive Box has a new “card box” option that is quite similar.

Tinker Crate subscription.  I’ve written before about this service, which I love.  There are a variety of options depending on the age and interests of the child, but Whit receives a STEM-focused project once a month.  He eagerly awaits the arrival of his Tinker Crate.

 

A weekend of light and darkness

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What a weekend.

On Friday I watched Grace’s final cross-country race.  As we waited for the start, it rained.  And then an extraordinary rainbow appeared, like I’ve never seen before. The photo above has no filter.  There were a lot of schools at this final race, so there were separate girls’ and boys’ races.  Grace has had an excellent cross-country season but one speckled with a lot of anxiety; her fears about performance have gotten the best of her and propelled us to a place of wondering how to keep a sport she enjoys and is good at from being destroyed by nerves.  It’s been an emotional few weeks as we grapple with how best to handle these worries.

In short, I wasn’t really sure how this last race of the season would go.  I stood and watched as 73 girls lined up by school on the starting line.  The gun went off and I so devoutly wish I had a photograph of Grace as she strode across it.  She took the lead early and definitively but much more striking to me was the look on her face as she set off.  I have literally never seen her look so determined.  I told Matt I think on my deathbed one of the images of Grace I’ll recall is her at that moment.  There was something both intimately familiar and brand-new on her face as she set out: serious, singele-minded, dogged.  Every tear from the month was there, too, but behind this new resolve.  I watched her in awe.

Off they went.  “I don’t think she’s going to win,” I whispered to my mother, standing next to me.  A girl who came in 3rd in States to Grace’s 12th was in the race, and there were a lot of runners.  “I just want her to feel good about it.”  Mum nodded, agreeing.  We watched in silence.  Our home course is a straight out-and-back so there is no glimpsing the runners mid-race.  I stood with my parents and waited.  After what felt like forever we saw the first runner in the distance.  I could not tell if it was Grace.  I looked for her green sneakers, which have always identified her for me from far away, but I couldn’t see them.  The second runner could be her, I thought, but the gait looked unfamiliar.  My chest felt tight as Grace came into clear view.  She was the lead runner, and she was way out in front.  Nobody was near her.  And what made me happiest was how masterful she looked, how strong, how confident.

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She crossed first, ending the season on a terrific high note.  I am proud but far more importantly, so is she.  And she feels good about having wrestled some demons this year and of having come out feeling she can still find joy in running.  I know this will not be the last time these fears raise their heads, but I also know that having vanquished them once will help give her confidence the next time they arrive.

IMG_8730While Grace cheered on the boys’ race, I watched the sunset over the Charles River.  I admired it, and photographed it, but felt a vague and inchoate sense of uneasiness too.  The sky looked thunderous, dramatic, full of portent.  Like the strange, eerily truncated rainbow earlier, there was something unsettled in the sky.  It was as we drove home that we learned about the Paris attacks.  The sense of accomplishment and pleasure of watching my new teenager running quickly dissolved into desperate sorrow and worry about the world.  I instagrammed a photograph I had taken of Grace and Whit lighting candles in a church in Paris 6 months ago.

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My mother confirmed that she heard from her cousin who lives in Paris and that his family was safe.  We spent the weekend doing family things but I had Yeats’ seminal lines from The Second Coming in my mind the whole time:

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;

It’s hard not to be totally overcome with fear in moments like this.  The world feels like it’s spiralling out of control, and everywhere we turn it seems like there is a threat (if not international terrorism, then home-grown school shooters).  We cancelled a trip to Exeter on Saturday to see the Exeter/Andover game, which I think came out of some deep-seated desire by me to stay home, stay together, stay quiet.  We told the children about the attacks and watched our family friend reporting on television from Paris.  They had lots of questions, which I tried my best to answer in a balanced way.

How quickly this life can shift, from rainbows and victory to heartbreak and fear.  I’m accustomed to some back-and-forth; it is how I’m wired, after all.  Yet the amplitude of the oscillations seems to be growing, and that unnerves me, I’ll be honest.  I’m trying to remember the joy on my daughter’s face as she sprinted across the finish line first, and the glow of that otherworldly rainbow, and even the way my son curled into me on the couch as we watched Christiane Amanpour reporting from the streets of Paris, familiar now to Grace and Whit as they have been so long to me.

I’m not willing to let go of my stubborn belief that there is much light in the world, but there are surely times when that belief feels more attenuated, when the darkness threatens to overwhelm it.  This is one one of those times.  Do you know what I mean?