I loved my friend Nina’s piece about mulling over what’s next for her as a writer. It rang every bell. I’m often asked if or when I’m going to write a book, for example, and I stutter when I try to answer. And then I’m asked what my blog is about, and I’m similarly tongue-tied and inarticulate as I attempt to respond to that question.
An aside: if you know what this blog is about, and can summarize it in a sentence, please tell me!
The truth of the matter is I used to want to write a book. Desperately. And I have tried. I’ve written one full draft of a memoir, a half draft of another, and most of a novel. I’ve been rejected by both agents and publishers, though I am hugely fortunate now to have a remarkable, extraordinary, way-too-good-for-me agent, Brettne Bloom (who just last week announced the formation of The Book Group, the news of which made me jump on the table and hoot and holler).
My point is, it’s not that I haven’t tried. I have. And the process of setting aside manuscripts and ideas has been hugely instructional for me. I realized that there are certain things I just don’t want to write a book about. My daughter’s adolescence is one of them. When I write here I can choose what to share. The expectations for disclosure when it comes to a book-length work are much higher, and I’m just not entirely comfortable, at least right now, with the idea of writing a memoir. It makes me uncomfortable to write so much about myself.
I recently had a reunion (graduate school) and so was catching up with people I hadn’t seen in years over the course of several days. More than a handful asked about my writing, which was enormously affirming. For any person who mentioned that my writing spoke to them over the course of the 15th reunion, thank you. I can’t possibly tell you what it means to know that you read and are moved by some of what I share. Thank you. But I answered a lot of questions about my plans for writing and the truth is … I don’t have a good answer.
More and more, I think what I am is a blogger. I love this blog. I love to write here. I love my readers, and the other blogs I read (which are numerous) regularly, and the online community I’ve been fortunate enough to find. I also love writing essays, and I hope to keep doing that and submitting them (though as Nina says I’m really tired of lists and link-bait posts – I say this knowing full well that my two most read and circulated pieces are lists, 10 things I want my daughter to know before she turns 10, and a similar list about my son). I’d love to be published more broadly either in print or online, and I’ll keep working at that.
But my true love is right here. I can’t decide if my waning focus on a book is a sign that I’ve given up or that I’ve accepted something essential. Letting go of the idea of writing a book has been a multi-year process. I wrote about it in 2012, for example (this was about the first memoir-length work). My life feels pretty abundant right now, with a full-time job and my rapidly-growing children whose stories are ever more their own (and thus not mine). I can’t imagine stopping writing here and I have no plans to. But does my lack of ambition about a book-length work mean I’m a quitter? I hope not, but I’m not sure.
I’d love your thoughts on the conversation Nina started, either as a writer (what are you working on, what are your goals, what are your thoughts on blogging these days?) or as a reader (what do you like to read, where should I submit, what else should I be writing about, and am I giving up by not pressing on a book right now?).
Great post Lindsay – it really resonated with me as I am (constantly?) trying to figure out myself as a ‘writer’ (Even typing that title in reference to myself feels unnatural). Am I a writer really though? This is my struggle as I never quite feel like a real one – I’m just someone who loves words and has a novel burning the back of my mind and only timidly sketched out in paper. Ive been trying to get past the hump of feeling like a phony for about two – three (!!) years now and I can’t push through and say with confidence “I am a writer.” How does one do this? How do you know when you’re real? When you are published, or your writing brings emotion to a stranger, or when I practically need to get the words out of me to even go about daily tasks? All these things I thought would validate it in my own mind and heart…and yet. In your experience, is this a normal side effect of being a writer? (haha, but not kidding)
Great post Lindsey! I keep pondering what is next for me in writing, photography, and other creative pursuits as my schedule shifts to having no kids at home….
Well, you know I feel you on this. Thank you so much for mentioning my post. I’m glad it sparked this thoughtful repines.
As you know, I had accepted long ago that I love my blogging space and reading other blogs and that maybe a book wasn’t for me despite going back and forth with several agents on one of my in-the-drawer-now novels. But after a few years of focusing solely on blogging and (successfully) getting essays on lots of other sites, I’m starting to feel so weary of that chase for the next byline. I’m inching my way BACK just to my site . . . AND, feeling the desire for a book again. But it’s just a desire and not a plan. Not yet. I like the idea that maybe I had to “leave home” for a while to find my way back again. We’ll see what happens. I plan to read more than write this summer.
I understand that difficulty of answering the questions: “What do you write about?” and “How’s the book?”
You ARE with an amazing agent and now with that whole group. That’s an honor right there, but I get that there’s a certain (self-inflicted) pressure with it, too.
I will be reading you in any form, Lindsey. xoxo
I can understand wanting to focus on your blog. Blogging is a wonderful platform that allows for a level of interaction you’d miss in publishing a book. This post, inspired by the post and subsequent conversation on Nina’s blog, is a great example of that. This space allows you to write whatever you feel like writing, to try new styles or subjects if that’s what you want. If your heart and passion are with blogging, then go with it!
As for myself, I’ve been blogging off and on for the last 5 years, at first just to keep far away family in the loop. Now I’m looking at it more as a way to keep myself writing regularly. I’ve wanted to “be a writer” since I was a little girl, and now I’m trying out actually just…writing. And calling myself a writer, rather than waiting to reach some kind of milestone or receive outside validation. I guess I’m at the start of the path you and Nina and others have walked, trying to build an audience, become a part of a community of writers, and eventually (hopefully) publish in other places both online and in print. But I love blogging and reading blogs, too, so I’m not sure if this is where I’ll be content, or if I’ll eventually want to try and write a novel or collection of short stories. Right now, I’m just trying to find the time for blogging in between raising 3 kids!
All of that is to say that this post, and Nina’s give me pause and cause me to think about my goals. I know lists are what everyone wants, but I don’t really want to write lists. It’s really interesting for me to read your thoughts on “byline chasing”, so thank you for sharing!
As a reader I think choosing not to pursue publishing a book is a great choice, and in no way giving up. I love the immediacy of blogging and other online essays compared to memoirs (published as books). Also, the types of observations and insights that bloggers are able to capture that make me feel most connected as reader might not translate so well into books. Blogs also allow readers to see the stories and thoughts of bloggers evolve over time in way that books cannot. Thank you for continuing to share your beautiful writing in this space!
Loved reading your – and Nina’s perspectives. Maybe that’s the loveliness of blogging- it offers us a platform where we don’t have to decide where our writing is going to lead us- it’s right there. I’m happy to write and take the pressure off myself to do it for anyone else but me.
The most important thing I have learned recently is that there’s not really any external pressure to get published, so why we create our internal pressure is beyond me. I for one would love to read your memoir. What about a small, self-published print to see how it goes and how it feels to you? You could even do it as an ebook or something paperless. Or sign up for my blog, receive some stories? I don’t know. I just know I love your writing and I have a feeling you can get published on Huffington Post or another mom/lifestyle blog. 🙂
Thank you so much!! I’ve actually been fortunate to be on HP before … 🙂
Oh, Lindsey, I don’t think you’re giving up at all. I think you’re spiraling down to orient more toward something that feeds you, feels natural, is satisfying. It’s very brave to *choose*. The road not taken (at least for now?) will always seem like a loss, and isn’t it normal for us to wonder about what might have happened in the other lane? As Nina said above, I’ll read anything you write. And I’m someone whose life is nothing like yours. I just really get the truth of yours. Best wishes on your continuing journey.
Lovely piece. I know we talked a bit about this when I was in NYC but it was great to read all your thoughts on this. I think so many writers can relate and I’m jealous of the blogging community you’ve created here. It’s not something I’m great at. That’s a huge feat alone right there! Xo
Everything you say is familiar, so to the extent that two of us make something “normal,” then YES! xox
I look forward to seeing what you decide!!
Thank you, my friend. It means a lot to hear that you’re reading, and it’s entirely, utterly mutual. xox
I think writing in the midst of three kids is an accomplishment of its own! xoxo
Thank YOU for such kind words. xox
I so appreciate your saying this. Yes – maybe that’s why I love it so much here, because I can just be here now. xox
Thank you so, so much for writing this. It means more than you can imagine. xox
Well, you’re an integral part of the online community I so love, so thank you for that. xox
I loved Nina’s post, too. I was inspired by an action plan for a writing life that I saw recently on Jennie Goutet’s site A Lady in France. What I need to do is focus. I have discovered the power of a writing coach, after having a not successful run with a life coach. I need focus. I am too much everywhere and not enough SOMEWHERE. THIS is what I know I want to do: write essays. I love to write essays. I thought I wanted a book but now se it was only because everyone was telling me I needed to write a book.
To every season, turn, turn.
What struck me most about today’s open-hearted post, L, both keen of insight and still somehow “listening” inside itself, is that the time is just NOT NOW. Not never, not tomorrow maybe, just not now. It takes us time to process things, to turn corners, to see the view. To live life. These are times of sitting within the self, waiting. I expect you’ll know when it’s time to consider a book again, and what it should be about -or you will be clear you know for sure, not ever.
I would read anything you write, you know. xx
It’s so interesting that you and Nina wrote this post this week. I went to a blogging conference this weekend and came home completely overwhelmed. I too am wondering what my next step might be so it is good to know that I am in good company!
Oh, these questions resonate with me, too. I love how Nina says that she had to leave to come back to her blog. I think we have seasons with our writing, and right now, this is your season, the blog, your wise beautiful words here, the connections you make. Maybe there is a book in the future, maybe not, but you better believe your words are read and treasured and eagerly awaited.
You aren’t giving up at all!! Jeez. All those books you wrote and a blog and kids!!!!!
I think what is beautiful and amazing about what you do is that you keep showing up to the page no matter what. It doesn’t matter what form your words come in. I am just grateful to receive them.
Ah, so much here. The writing life is hard, whether you do it full-time, part-time, professionally or a a personal wish fulfillment. Every single writer I know – of any stripe – struggles mightily with the muse, the end goal, the creative process, the creative spark, the puzzling intersection of ego and shattered confidence. This questioning, uncertainty and doubt just mean you are really and truly a writer!
I think a lot of people we know hold a general idea/ambition: “I want to write a book someday.” This must be particularly tantalizing to a self-described hoop jumper who has always been achievement-oriented and enjoyed success. You know several published authors in your immediate circle, so why not you next? Certainly you have an idea worth telling and selling?
But writing takes many forms and it may be that your story isn’t quite ready yet to tell. Who knows what form it will take – fiction, nonfiction, memoir, or somewhere in-between – or when the right moment will be. In the meantime, have faith in the process, in your life, in the power of your search which will surely lead you to all good things, whether or not one of those things is a book.
Your insistence on being in the now, fully present or as present as you can be, is a real gift and contribution, and your musings here are beautifully written. How many writers – heck how many people – can say that? So the facts show that you are a writer now and probably always have been and will be. The fact that mantle doesn’t always fit comfortably simply means you are, as always, present and willing to grapple with uncomfortable, even painful truths.
Onward Lindsey! Thanks again for all you share.
Blogging has evolved so much for me over the last few years. I hear you on the ‘lists’ emails — it seems that the heartfelt, long, takes-forever-to-write posts don’t do so well, and the lists/suggestions posts go viral (or at least go “mild cold”). I have been doing so much less sharing and reading of other blogs as life gets in the way, which I miss doing. I’m reflecting a bit more on blogging now as it has truly led me to a new life path…. All this to say, I hear you and I love reading your words 🙂
There is something going on that is creating a sense of urgency in us all to figure out our goals – whether it is blogging getting harder and more competitive, online bylines not wielding much in the end, or just trying to find out which path is the right one since there are so many and we only have the energy and time to pursue 1 (or 2).
I love that your blog is your love. Embrace that.
For me, my blog is a space for me to exercise my writing but I am passionate at contributing in other spaces. I don’t have the heart to market my blog.
But it does seem true that, unless we are able to create more hours in a day, we just can’t go in every single direction.
Thank you for contributing to the conversation in such a meaningful way!
So many wonderful comments above in response to such a thoughtful, introspective, yet universal, post. What to add? I keep starting & stopping here.
I burnt out fast. I was hell bent on submitting all the things to all the places and then I realized I wasn’t passionate about the writing I was doing. For me, it meant stepping back and developing the patience to dig deeper into topics I wanted to explore, writing longer essays, beginning to pitch to reach pubs like literary journals/magazines, knowing I’ll likely wait 4 months only to get rejected…but I feel a fulfillment like I’ve never felt before. From the writing…even if it goes nowhere (well, sort of ;). I have an idea and an intent to work on a book (and even the most modest beginnings), but I can’t tell if that’s motivated by hoop-jumping or a true calling to write the thing. Time will tell. But through it all, I’ve always loved posting to my own little blog. It’s a legitimately satisfying feeling to say something the way you want to say it & send it out into the world on your own terms. No shame in that.
And I don’t know when or how I will ever get over the discomfort of feeling like a fraud. I went to a book launch/reading earlier this week for a dear friend whose latest novel was just reviewed on the front page of the NYT Arts section. I mean, he’s a NOVELIST. I’m sitting there thinking, what am I? I sure hope he doesn’t read my silly blog…
Yours was the first blog I truly fell in love with. It made me rethink how and what I was writing in the best of ways. It made me want to do more, write better, raise the bar–for myself. It led me to writers like Dani Shapiro and Pamela Hunt and Denise Ullem and Lara Anderson and Katrina Kenison, who led me to Jena Schwartz–all brilliant women who have changed the way I approach the page. And I always, always keep coming back here. In the listicle/byline rat race, this site, your words are like a port in the storm. Yours is a searing insight coupled with an undercurrent of sincere humility that few out there can achieve.
I second Glenda above–we go through these stages and phases with our work, and maybe the season will come and it will be right for you to reconsider a book-length project. Or not. Or you could try sending your work out to more varied places–any pub would be lucky to have you. Every month, I evolve and shift my writing goals & priorities. It’s an ever-moving target. But never EVER doubt that what you’re doing–this blog, your words, WHEREVER they land–is anything short of extraordinary. (And as I mentioned on Facebook, I love your own description of this site as “a love letter to my everyday life.”)
Ok, perhaps I’ve just fulfilled my dream of writing a book RIGHT HERE. 😉 I’m sorry for this lengthy stream-of-consciousness comment. Just know: I (and many others) will read you wherever you are.
I have actually been meaning to tweet you and ask about the book pact we (perhaps fakely? jokingly?) made at the New Year… I’ve been reading “Still Writing” by Dani Shapiro and the inspiration just keeps flowing… I get all your posts even when I am traveling, so I was wondering.
This post came through at a funny time – I had just had a long conversation with a friend about becoming a writer, or identifying as a writer, or what we need to have to say we’re writers, or not.
Thanks for sharing with us, as always!
For me your blog is about everyday life and coming to terms with the mundane-the day to day life of an adult. This blog in particular is about taking another look at the dreams of your younger self and assessing whether they are still the dreams of your adult self. It ‘s the stuff my books are made of, and the slice of life tales I enjoy reading and writing. The kind of movies I like to watch.
A reviewer of my most recent novel, Life Is All This, said of my main character Sam, “he is no longer trying to hit the ball out of the park, just trying to keep the count alive.” I loved this particular Amazon review because it came from a male reader and I wrote this book from a male perspective so it gave me hope that I may possibly have hit the ball out of the park with this particular story.
So with that said, I too struggle with the mundane and the lofty dreams of my youth. There is a beautiful piece by Roger Cohen in today’s NY Times titled Mow The Lawn that addresses these questions we both share.
I too have struggled with writing about my experiences as a mother and I don’t know that I would ever write a memoir although at the moment I am keeping a journal of my husband and my new adventure as innkeepers and I see a book unfolding. As far as my daughters go, I try to capture the feelings of motherhood through my experiences of raising them and transfer those feelings and emotions to fictional stories. I adhere to Hemingway’s Iceberg Theory. Some of the very best parts of a story are the very good things you leave out.
Keep writing. You are very fortunate to have an agent. That is still on my list of dreams. In the meantime, I self-publish because the desire to share my stories is ever present.
I was directed here after reading Nina’s post, which completely summed up many of my feelings as a writer. I’m in a similar place as hers, using the example of “playing the field” versus “settling down.” I’ve tried many forms of writing, coming to some conclusions about what I like to write most and what I need to focus on next. Hopefully we just keep getting better at what we do, and continue to help others along the way. You’re right; it’s enormously gratifying to know that something you’ve written has touched someone else’s life. Congratulations on all the writing you have done; I look forward to reading more here! (and congrats on the agent; I’m actively querying for my THIRD novel and man, it’s so tough out there…)
Well, I love reading your essays, so I’m glad you are focusing there. xox
This comment made me cry. Hard. Thank you, thank you. Ditto to you on the reading everything you write. xox
Definitely in good company! ox
I loved your post today about life’s – and writing’s – seasons, and of the value in making sure we’re clear on what we want and who we are. Thank you so much for saying such a nice thing about my words here. Seriously. xox
Thank you. I am grateful to know you. xox
I am so touched by this thoughtful comment. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I so appreciate what you say. xox
Yes, I agree. I’ve said before that blogging here has fundamentally changed the way I live in the world, and that’s entirely true. As a practice it’s completely shifted the way I live. And I’m so grateful for that. xox
I struggle with the self-marketing too. I think many of us do. I’ve just accepted that I’m not willing to do a lot of self-promotion and therefore will never be one of the “big” blogs. That’s okay with me. Thank you so much for this comment. xox
It makes me SO happy to hear that I was in some small way part of your finding the words of so many writers I adore. Dani and Katrina in particular have become huge parts of my online AND “real” life, both teachers in concrete ways, and mentors, and I’m so hugely grateful for that. And I absolutely love Pamela and Denise and Lara’s work, too – and there are so many more. Thank you for saying such thoughtful and kind things about my writing. It’s easy to doubt what the purpose is, and it’s hugely reassuring to hear what you say. Thank you. xox
I love “Still Writing” … love, love, love. I’m still in hold mode on a book, for the reasons I cite here. I’d read yours though!!! xox
I was not familiar with the Iceberg Theory but wow that makes such sense. I guess the challenge is in gesturing to the berg under the water, right? I think the innkeeping adventure sounds marvelous, and definitely like a book! xox
It IS so gratifying, isn’t it? Oh, yes. For me that makes everything worthwhile. And I guess that that’s what motivates me, more than a book, but as you say things keep moving and who knows what’s ahead. xox
I am so far from the aspiring writer, the real writer, that I was. It fades. I didn’t take care of it, which, by the way, is the cop-out way of giving up. But I never say never, and you are young yet my friend. Drink it up, put it down here on this blog, you may very well write your masterpiece long after you thought that dream was done.
lindsey, you asked what this blog is about, for me it’s about the honesty– of living, feeling, emoting..
. I don’t blog (never really have had the courage to put myself out there). But when I think of doing and I think of those who I respect and admire, you are on the top of the list.
I hope you are right! Thank you, thank you … xox
Thank you so much. This comment brings tears to my eyes. I so, so appreciate it. xox
I love this thread that you and Nina started, Lindsey. It’s an important to check in with ourselves periodically to ask, “What’s next?”
Goals can change, and that’s okay. I write that to convince myself as much as anyone else. It can be difficult to move on from a long-held dream like writing a novel, but I think that doing so helps create life space for a new dream to enter. Then my energy can be directed to something new.
Thank you for posing this question that clearly got a lot of people thinking. 🙂