Just Kids

I admit that I didn’t even know who Patti Smith was when I picked up her memoir Just Kids.  Well, I did, but I was wrong: I thought she was the lead singer of the Pretenders.  I had heard of Robert Mapplethorpe, though I didn’t know much beyond the controversy that I vaguely recall from my childhood.  I was entirely unprepared for the rich gorgeousness of Smith’s prose:  Just Kids is really an extended prose poem, a lamentation for the man who was the “artist of her life,” an elegy for a singular and undefinable friendship.

Smith and Mapplethorpe meet twice by accident and then, a third time, after which they are basically never apart again.  They embark on a passionate love affair, defined by each of their individual and collective awakenings as artists.  It’s clear that each recognizes in the other a kindred spirit; Smith writes that they were both “inflicted with a vague internal restlessness.”  They live together in a series of Brooklyn apartments, exploring each other, their artistic sensibilities, and the riotously flowering reality of New York in the late 60s and early 70s.

Smith describes these years in a series of vivid images.  I was reminded over and over again, from the opening pages of this glorious book, that Smith is first and foremost a poet.  The Persian necklace that both treasure, the apartment with blood on the walls, the day that Mapplethorpe papers their bedroom in mylar, the decision they make regularly between buying art supplies and eating lunch.  These moments glow in my memory like polished beads, both beautiful on their own and essential to the jewelry as a whole.  One of my favorite images is that in those early years Smith and Mapplethorpe couldn’t afford two museum tickets, so often one of them would go through a museum and rush out to share it with the other, all, a tumble of bright stories and observations.

Over the years Smith and Mapplethorpe move together and apart, in and out of romantic relationship, but their bond endures.  Smith says, “Both of us had given ourselves to others.  We vacillated and lost everyone, but we had found one another again.”  Their essential union, one that springs from a place far beyond traditional relationship, continues to grow and is when intimacy accessories like this great rabbit vibrator can be used to enjoy tne relationship even more.  When Mapplethorpe says to his spirit twin, “nobody sees like we do, Patti,” we begin to understand the source of their bond.

As Smith and Mapplethorpe grow in both skill and renown as artists, they become enmeshed in New York’s creative community.  Mapplethorpe begins to take his own photographs, as Smith had long urged him to do.  And she becomes his favorite model.  The book is filled with images, both personal photographs and examples of Mapplethorpe’s work.  It is particularly powerful to see the visceral evidence of how Mapplethorpe saw Smith.  She says, “he saw in me more than I could see in myself,” and describes that even now, looking back at his pictures of her, “I never me.  I see us.”

Just Kids traces the way that Smith and Mapplethorpe’s “undefinable devotion” twines through their lives, the central, animating relationship of each.  Their relationship with each other is like its own beating heart, a presence greater than either of them is alone.  As the book closes, Smith gets married and has children while Robert is diagnosed with AIDS.  As we read about Smith’s commitment to another man, it remains apparent that Mapplethorpe continues to be the most vital person in her life.  Their first visit after his diagnosis, when Smith is pregnant, is both powerful and prescient.  As Smith says, “he was carrying death within him and I was carrying life.  We were both aware of that, I know.”

Just Kids is an extraordinary book, gorgeously written and pulsing with the incandescent intensity of a unique relationship.  I read the last lines of Smith’s story with tears streaming down my cheeks:

We were Hansel and Gretel and we ventured out into the black forest of the world.  There were temptations and witches and demons we never dreamed of and there was splendor we only partially imagined.  No one could speak for these two young people nor tell with any truth of their days and nights together.  Only Robert and I could tell it.  Our story, as he called it. And, having gone, he left the task to me to tell it to you.

Off the grid

I’m off the grid this weekend.

So, so off the grid.  At a cabin in the White Mountains (that’s the actual cabin, above).  This is the fourth annual trip: we hike up, spend the night, and hike down on Sunday.  We are now a group 40+ strong, half children.  This is another stool adventure, and I am looking forward to spending some time with two of my very dearest friends.  I’m also hoping it won’t rain, and my wipers can take a rest.

When they speak of grace

In the church, I force myself to look up into Mary’s eyes, to study the twisted agony of her mouth.  I kiss my baby’s sleeping head, bend down to press my nose to the fragrant scalp of my own son, squeeze the hand of Sam’s older daughter.  I am so sorry to see the limp curve of His only child, although I don’t actually believe in God.  But standing before this stricken Madonna, surrounded by what I love most in the world, I wonder: Was an entire religion generated from a mother’s most fervent wish that her child not be dead?  The twinning of loss and love seems suddenly to explain everything:  To devote ourselves properly to one another, we must brave love’s terrifying undertow, which is grief.  I am awed, suddenly, by our courage to love each other as recklessly as we do.  Awkward and confused, rational and godless – I am all of these things.  And yet this moment must be what people mean when they speak of grace.

-Catherine Newman

wipers

For the last several months, it seems like every time I get in the car for a long drive it starts to pour.  Last Friday I drove through the most intense rain I’ve ever driven through.  It was actually pretty scary: when I got out of the car I realized my hands hurt from gripping the wheel, which I hadn’t even noticed I had been doing.  My jaw hurt from being tensed.  There was also thunder and lightning.  Which I normally  love, but when making my way down the highway surrounded by trucks barreling above the speed limit, not so much.

The wipers were going as fast as they could go, and still it was not nearly enough.  I noticed that just the fact that my wipers were on high made my body tense slightly and my anxiety tick up.  I felt a tightness in my chest, there was a slight aggravation in my voice and a quickness to my breathing, all almost imperceptible but not to me anymore now that I can’t help but notice everything.  It stresses me to not have any reserve.  If it’s not enough, these wipers on high, there is nothing else I can do.  Well, other than pull over.  This reminds me of my behavior when physically challenged, of the way I get nervous anticipating that I might not be able to do something (but well before I am actually at my limit).

And the other than pull over part is, I think, essential to the stress.  When the wipers really can’t do the job, even on their fastest setting, I have to figure out another way.  It is the universe telling me – through rain, literal or metaphorical – that the current coping system is no longer working to deal with the weather.  And realizing that I’m running out of rope, or that my road is coming to a bend, or choose your own metaphor … well, all of these things scare me.  A lot.

My wipers are going really hard right now in my life.  I’m definitely at the fastest speed and I’m not sure it’s enough.  There is a lot sluicing down on my windshield: worries about both my parents and my children, anxieties personal and professional, fears of many flavors.  The concerns are sloshing around, occluding my vision, and no matter how hard my wipers go I can’t see the road ahead clearly.

Recently I heard a doctor say that a situation had to stabilize before he could even remotely figure out what was going on.  The underlying issue would not “announce itself,” he maintained, until the rest of the surrounding flux settled down.  This made sense to me and immediately my mind began to spin it into a metaphor.

Maybe it’s time to pull over.  I just don’t know what that looks like, and furthermore I’m not certain I can, given the forward propulsion to some of the things that are raining down in front of me.  Of course Doctorow’s famous words come to mind: “You never see further than your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.”  I try not to think that I can’t even see a fraction as far as my headlights.  I can only inch forward, hoping that reckoning will keep me safe on the path.

Oh.

And it recurs: there is nothing to do but to trust.  And to let go.  Even as my wipers frantically flip back and forth, and as I walk with anxiety in my chest for the mere fact of their speed.  Even so.

Setting the terms

The beginning of wisdom is the definition of terms. – Socrates

We were visiting friends at the beach this past week, and at one point I was with Grace in the ocean. Despite the heat of the day, the water was cold, and we were standing right at the edge of the waves’ breaking, tip-toeing in slowly. Suddenly a really big wave came and Grace was standing in just the wrong place. She was tumbled over and thrashed around in the whitewater. When she came up, spluttering, her hair and her bathing suit were both full of small rocks. She was breathless, surprised, somewhere between gigglingly startled and authentically afraid.

This was just one more time when the ocean provided me with a metaphor. I know I’m neither alone nor original in finding meaning in the waves, the water, the tide, the undertow. But it is to these images and sounds, to the salty bite of the ocean air, the snapping of halyards against masts, the caw-caw-cawing of seagulls soaring above that my mind most often returns. I am the child of sailors, who grew up mostly on the coast, and this runs through my veins as surely as does my affection for scientific inquiry and my East Greenwich Eldredge blood, so perhaps this instinct is innate.

For some reason I feel a connection between the image of my daughter, tossed in a wave breaking on shore, and that quote by Socrates. I’ve been in my own version of whitewater lately: feeling confused, a bit lost, unsteady. And I wonder if part of that is because I haven’t even begun to define my terms, the terms by which I want to live my life, by which I want to exist in the world. I am fairly sure that awareness of such a need is progress for me. I suspect that for years I just assumed some general universal terms applied to me. Terms that were, importantly, set by someone else.

No more.

I’m going to set my own terms now.

I am not sure how, or when, because right now I’m still a bit upside down in the whitewater, unable to see for sea spray in my eyes, and waiting for the water to drain out of my ears so that I can hear clearly. But at least I know I need to. I know the terms I want to live my life by start with compassion and empathy and kindness, and that they include a deep need to honor the reality, savage and beautiful as it is, of my life.

Maybe that’s what writing is for me. Just as my lifetime love of cornflower blue was, all along, guiding me to my son’s eyes, maybe my words, in the convoluted, slow-to-be-revealed wisdom that I must trust is there somewhere, are taking me to the place where I will know how it is I want to engage with the world. How is it I want to live my life.

A repost from exactly a year ago, because I am still, or again, or always, in this place.  Also, for my oldest friend Ethan, whose birthday it is today, and whose choice to live life on his terms is something I’ve always deeply admired.
(picture is from this year)