I love this post by Mom 101 about The Myth of Doing It All. Yes, this is a topic we’ve all been over. It is not new. What I hadn’t thought about before, though, is what she shares, paraphrasing an essay by Tina Fey in the New Yorker:
When you ask a working mom about how she does it all, it either puts her in the position to say something disparaging about herself (check) or deliver an answer that makes the questioner feel somehow inadequate for doing less.
Honestly this sentence was a huge AHA. I simply had never realized that this was why this question made me so uncomfortable. And it does: my skin crawls and I launch into full-on shoulders-slumping, mumbling, deflecting mode as soon as someone asks me this. The truth is none of us do it all. Everybody makes choices and prioritizes. The other truth is that no matter what the reality is of what our days look like, pretty much everybody I know experiences their lives as busy. It’s what you do within that that speaks of what you prize: I think that you can look at how you spend the hours of your day as a map that reflects what you truly value.
I have a seemingly endless appetite for truthful conversations, like the one started at Mom 101, about the details of others’ personal juggles. Everybody has their own tricks and their own private calculus about what can be de-prioritized. I have shared some of my own “secrets” before, none of which are particularly insightful.
One of my key decisions is that it takes a lot to get me out of the house in the evening (here: an example of something I’ll go out for). I remember a few years ago at a dinner party explaining to the man on my right that when evaluating potential plans I measure everything against the other option of being home in bed reading. I could see the sheer horror on his face when I said this, and it deepened into something more like terror when I allowed that very few plans make it past this screen. I often get criticized for being anti-social (especially by my husband, the E to my I) but I have chosen to protect the few hours that are mine.
What else do I let slip? I never watch TV, so I am woefully out of loop on a lot of conversations, blogs, and emails. I let my children sleep until the last bitter moment in the morning, believing as I do in the supreme importance of sleep, and so they often eat breakfast in the car. I do laundry in a – ahem – casual way, which is to say that I do not separate lights and darks. I do not iron. I cook simple food, and Grace and Whit are not, as a result, adventurous eaters.
Please chime in here – what are your strategies for juggling your life? What do you prioritize and what do you let go of?
I outsource a lot: housecleaning, laundry, certain errands. We have an incredible nanny who sees it as part of her job to help run our household. We pay dearly for that even though, in light of my new job, it might seem more than we can afford. But what is afford? She frees up time for me so that on weekends I have less running around to do and more time with the children. It’s the right choice for our family right now. Otherwise, we don’t overschedule weekends. I try for only one kids’ activity: one birthday party, the library, maybe a short day trip. If we have a birthday party, that might be all we try to do. I am NOT good with the details: school forms signed and returned on time, bills paid immediately. I’d like to work on this!
Great discussion, by the way!
How much we are alike never ceases to amaze me. I too protect my evenings with a firm grip. There is little that I want to do that will take me away from home after dinner, and when I do I usually regret it. Sleep is also very protected in my house. I’m in bed every night by 9:30. Granted my mornings start awfully early at 5. I do not watch TV. Or just about never. And I use the same recycled meal plan over and over.
All of it helps!
I also admit that when people say how do you do what you do, I often say: I don’t do any more than you do, I just make different choices with my time.
So this post. Perfect. And I love that we are so alike.
I wish I had strategies. I wish I had a fixed and dependable list of priorities. I wish there were some overarching order. Alas, for me, it’s all about embracing the good chaos and winging it thoughtfully.
This is great, Lindsey – thank you, as always, for making me sit back and take a look at things.
I’m working on all of this. For much of my life, I’ve operated in crisis management mode, responding to what was happening as it happened. It was, literally, my job for years, which only reinforced a natural tendency. I’m trying hard to shift that now, but as our lives have less and less routine, it’s not easy.
I think that’s why mindfulness is such a powerful tool for me. Sometimes all I can do is be right here, right now. It means things fall by the wayside – I really have to so some paperwork today, for example- but what is important gets attended to. Mostly.
Great post! Feeling guilty that I asked you how you do it all– gulp. Not watching TV frees up so much time– but I could do so, so much more if I wasn’t addicted to my laptop! My biggest secret is organization– I can’t function (well, anyway) when there are piles or clutter. All tasks related to the house (bills, laundry, cooking, everything!) are so much easier to do when things are clean and organized. Also, going to bed early is key for me… we’re talking 9 p.m. My husband is out of town this week, and I’ve been going to bed at 8:30. Bliss & tons of energy during the day.
Looking forward to others’ comments!
It depends on the day, really. Maybe on how I’m doing. I kind of have to surrender to that sometimes, you know? If I’m feeling the funk, the angst, etc., I try to be a little more gentle with myself, not expecting perfection but just doing what I can and resting as much as is possible (not much usually-heh).
I don’t fuss over the house as much as I used to, but having CLEAN around me is still important to me. So a lot of the time, I choose cleaning over TV or computer time. Am weird. It just clears my head.
If it’s nice outside, THAT is our priority over here, to leave all else behind and be together outside. It renews us.
And sleep. OH YES. It makes a huge difference for all of us, so we schedule life around being sure we all get what we need, as often as we can anyway. Which is often.
Wow, I’m rambling. Great thoughts here, Lindsey.
Oh you bring up a great point that I failed to mention: I’m ruthlessly organized. Bills paid the day they arrive, thank you notes written immediately, etc. Absolutely critical.
(and please, don’t feel guilty, at all!)
Hi, it’s me again. I wanted to check back in to see what other’s had written — obviously, am a bit obsessed by this topic. What I actually really do need to work on is getting to bed earlier. Often, whether its because I’m reading, watching The Good Wife, or on the internet, it is 11 p.m. before I go to sleep. I beat myself up about it, yet clearly it has become a bad habit. It took reading these comments to make me realize that I could and should go to bed earlier. I know, I know, there are no “shoulds” but this one is worth a “should!”
I doing the same thing, Kathryn! I keep thinking that I need to be doing more, more, more (which is why I always wonder why others seem to be “doing it all”). Like a good first-born, I keep thinking I can be “perfect” (whatever that is), if I could unlock the secrets of “doing more” that others seem to possess. (Which is odd, b/c I’m so much happier when I do LESS!)For example, I am so happy with our decision to only have two children, but I feel like if only I could DO MORE, I’d be up for the challenge of three!
I try to stay on top of the details too – bills, dishes, etc. And I rarely watch TV or movies – there’s usually something I’d rather be doing.
That said, I spend too much time on the computer in the evenings. What is it about the Internet that’s so seductive?
Great post, Lindsey – clearly this is a topic close to all our hearts.
Funny. As I type, I’m watching dust bunnies waltz across the hard wood floors and the piles of laundry threatening to replicate. The last two days, I prioritized writing above all else.
I’m trying to be OK with the fact I don’t do it all. In fact, I feel like I keep minimizing my life, our lives, to less and less to make it enjoyable, fun. With breathable spaces. And at times, when I see others who fit so much “More” into their lives, I judge my inability to juggle as much. I’ve asked both you and Christine how you write so much and work full-time because I wonder why I don’t get more done in my days.
Umph.
Usually, my top priority: Order. Physical clutter clutters my brain and renders me useless. I finally own this about myself–and don’t know whether to be grateful or cringe that my children are NOT the same way. I don’t watch too much TV (if any). Occasionally I’ll get on a program kick, but mostly it’s kids to bed, clean the kitchen and read a few pages. I need about 9 hours of sleep a night and when I don’t get it, all else fails.
Wow–lots to say apparently. Great topic.
Things I prioritize: sleep, cooking dinner nightly, exercise, a tidy house.
Things I let slip: a well organized fridge, bathroom cleaning on the housekeeper’s off weeks, a folded underwear drawer.
Lately reading has been let to slip and I’d like to fix that. Hopefully soon.
I don’t get it all done. And during a health crisis a few years ago, I learned that that is what I need to do.
My home is generally embarrassingly untidy. Meals can be sketchy. The TV drones on at news time in the morning so I have a clue of what time it is, and again in the evening. Working from home, if I’m not too busy I’ll drop everything for a few minutes in the sunshine with my camera.
Priorities ebb and wane over time. This spring it’s training for a triathlon, starting back with kickboxing, preparing for belly dance performances, as well as establishing and operating my business and always, with few exceptions, my daily photo post. I look forward to the days when cash flow allows us to hire a cleaning lady again.
I admire women with careers, families, gorgeous homes and fabulous meals. Sometimes I even like them. 🙂
We all need to be applauded for staying afloat in our lives no matter what we are getting done or not getting done.
Hugs and butterflies,
~T~
Seems this is a hot topic!! I realize I have scaled back a LOT of things from my life in the past couple of years. I am hoping to add some back in the next couple of years (exercise! social life!) but you & everyone else has said, you absolutely can’t have it all, at least not all at once. Right now I’m neck-deep in building my career and building my family; once I’ve got a solid foundation on both, I’ll broaden my scope a bit.
My priorities for myself (outside of work): sleep, healthy, home-made food for most meals, and quality time with husband & son. due to #1 and #3, I am also pretty loathe to go out on a weeknight unless there is a compelling reason.
I also prioritize giving my son the essentials for growing & developing–this includes sticking to his bedtime routine, healthy & varied foods for all his meals, and making sure he has an outlet for his energy. Ummm, pretty much the same for the dog!
Notice that ridding my house of dog-hair tumbleweeds isn’t on the list.
I outsource for help – I don’t clean except for the kitchen and now my two oldest are actually responsible for that. Priorities are ever changing but food is number one. I have to have a plan for meals or they just don’t happen. I’ll let the youngest go without a bath for a long time (shame on me). I’ll also let a boy scout meeting or sports practice slip if it’s too crazy.
And, like you, I am extremely organized. Almost to a fault. No, definitely to a fault.
I don’t have kids – but after 6 weeks of having my sister and her two little ones, I’m more amazed at how moms prioritize and I’m learning to let go of some things I thought were essential to my life before.
I have learned through SERIOUS trial and error to literally schedule in time with my children during the day. I work from home and often found myself taking calls or responding to emails via Blackberry as I played with them. I now treat it like any other client meeting and put down the smartphone, let the phone take messages and just enjoy my kids. It has been HUGE for me!
I prioritize time with my family, work, exercise, travel and blogging. Things that fall off include cooking (my husband does it), cleaning (housecleaners), TV and like you a lot of social shin-digs that one cannot bring kids to.
Great post!
Speaking up. I do a great tea kettle impersonation, which is a very bad rut. Also, I cannot sit on the toilet to pee without trying to wipe the baseboard molding down or clean around the toilet’s base. I exhaust myself and am working on lightening up.