Fourteen

One of my favorite pictures of you.  Six weeks old.

Dear Whit,

On Sunday you turned fourteen.  Fourteen!  I know I’m not the only parent out there who looks at their young adult children with shock and awe.  The truth is I’ve always felt wonder when I look at and consider you.  You surprised me in so many ways when you arrived – your incredibly speedy birth after your sister’s lengthy and protracted one, the fact that you were a boy, your blond hair, your blue eyes.  As you grew into a toddler, boy, and now, young man, you made me feel a lot of things but chief among them, when I really think about it, is wonder.

You amaze me. You did on the day you were born, on the eve of a huge snowstorm, and you still do.

First and foremost, you are funny.  Dad and I aren’t that funny, so we are both surprised by and thankful for this trait in you.  You keep our family laughing.  And you know better than almost anyone how crucial that has been in the last year and change.  In December you made me laugh almost as hard as I’ve ever laughed with an answer in the Game of Things.  You exhibit the kind of humor that demonstrates that you are listening, and paying attention, and remembering.

I’ve long held that truly funny people are also really smart.  Substantive comedy exists only with commensurate intelligence.  My favorite example for this fact has always been Steve Martin, but I think going forward it is going to be Whit Russell.  I’ve described you before as the sparkle in our family, and you are. In the summer, when you’re at camp, we are all a little muted without your energy, and, yes, your sparkle.

I do, sometimes, worry about the flip side of the sparkle.  I don’t want you to feel like you have to be funny all the time. You’re keenly aware of everything and everyone around you; your sensitivity, while less apparent on first blush, is also a strand that is woven into your humor.  This is, suffice it to say, a familiar trait.  I think you’re an empath.  I just want you to know you don’t always have to be cheering everyone up.  You are allowed to feel things – which I know you do – to the degree that sometimes you feel less sparkly.  We won’t love you less!

What I want to do with these words is to capture you in flight.

You are in midair between childhood and young adulthood.  You are still a boy but I can see the man you’ll be in your face.  Your braces came off and you are growing rapidly.  You wear a tie every day and are so comfortable with it that often you don’t take it off until bed.  You have a few very dear friends, most of all your camp friends, with whom you are in daily contact.  You love camp with the same ferocious loyalty as I did, and I adore seeing that.

Last year was a year of tumultuous change for our whole family, and you personally went through some major transitions.  You left the school you had been at since you were four to go to a new school, surrounded by new people, you took up a new language (Latin), you took up two new sports (squash and crew), you dropped a sport you’ve been playing since you were seven (hockey), and you lost two grandfathers.

With a few exceptions – you get cranky like the rest of us – you surfed the waves of last year like a pro. Your resilience inspires me and your ability to see the humor in dark situations lightens things on a regular basis.  You are adaptable and have learned to roll with the punches in a way that I am certain will stand you in good stead in life.  When you were too small to row with the rest of the middle schoolers last year, you tried coxing, and while you grumbled about it at first, you found you liked it.  You made the best of it, and learned something about yourself in the process (a headband with a microphone: awesome).

I adore you, Whit, and I have since you arrived that day, peaceful, blond, blue-eyed.  You’re still all of those things, and the peaceful is now interspersed with humor and wisdom in equal measure.  I’ll floss for you anytime.

My first boy, my last baby, happy birthday.

I love you.

Things I Love Lately

Dani Shapiro: By the Book: My favorite writer.  My favorite column.  Not sure I need to say much more.

The Gifts of Inheritance: Dani Shapiro and Me: I loved Zibby Owens’ Medium article about her relationship with both Dani’s writing and Dani in person.  Dani’s writing has been a beacon and an inspiration to me for years, and I was fortunate to spend a couple of years in her private workshop as well.  Her influence on me has been enormous, and I loved reading about Zibby’s experience.

Inheritance: A Memoir of Genealogy, Paternity, and Love: Since this is the Dani Shapiro edition of Things I Love Lately, her newest book, which I loved, is on sale today!  Buy and read and give to many friends!  I know I am.

Broken Harts:  I’m basically learning my way around the podcast world (I listened to Serial and loved it, and have listened to many OnBeing episodes, but that’s it) but I am absolutely riveted by Broken Harts. This series tells the tragic story of the Hart family, whose two mothers and six adopted children went over a cliff in California last March.  The sad, complicated story is sensitively told and I highly recommend it.

Brownie roll-out cookies: I’m a diehard chocolate chip cookie person and generally don’t bother making anything else.  On Sunday for some reason I was compelled to try these and oh, I am glad I did!!  I made them with a small heart cookie cutter (see photo above) and YUM.  Would be great with vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce.  These are going on repeat.

I write these Things I Love posts approximately monthly. You can find them all here.

an ignorant pilgrim

Often I have not known where I was going until I was already there. I have had my share of desires and goals, but my life has come to me or I have gone to it mainly by way of mistakes and surprises. Often I have received better than I have deserved. Often my fairest hopes have rested on bad mistakes. I am an ignorant pilgrim, crossing a dark valley. And yet for a long time, looking back, I have been unable to shake off the feeling that I have been led – make of that what you will.

~ Wendell Berry

Another passage I found on the surpassingly lovely First Sip.

Word of the year 2019

My word of the year is now.

There was no question for me about what this year’s word would be after the fall we had.  Let me explain.  I think I’ve written pretty exhaustively about how eventful 2017 was.  I always insist on that word (vs. the “terrible” that others use) because the truth is a lot of really good things happened in 2017 too.  Grace and Whit both went to new schools that they love (and Grace moved out of the house to go to boarding school).  Matt and I both got new jobs (and mine was with a company that I helped found, which was stressful but more than anything, extremely, extremely joyful).  Both of our fathers (and both of Grace and Whit’s grandfathers) died 2 months and 3 days apart.  I described our fall as an earthquake.

Eventful.  My word for 2018 was simple, because I hoped to focus on what was right in front of me.  If 2017 taught me anything, it’s that that mattered more than anything else.

2018 started off quiet.  But beginning in September I began a three month odyssey of health tests, procedures, and uncertainty.

I am okay.

But there was a lot of waiting for results last fall, there were several procedures of varying discomfort and invasiveness, and there were a lot of questions, and it was really not at all fun.

I was in shock at first, not least because I didn’t feel I had yet formally integrated all the events and lessons of 2017.  Again?  More stuff? (and yes, I realize how entitled and bratty this sounds). The shock wore off and I was flat-out panicked.  My overwhelming anxiety, not helped at all by continued sorrow and mourning, made this fall particularly un-fun at my house, I’m sure of that (sorry, Whit and Matt).

The clouds parted mostly by the time Grace and Whit came home, and I’m certain that contributed to my sense of this year’s holiday season as particularly sweet. I spent the past three weeks letting the impact of last fall run over me, adjusting to what feels like newly fragile and shaky terrain under my feet.  I have never been so exhausted. In some ways I feel like I’ve been in fight or flight mode for 18 months.

I do believe in that Pema Chodron quote that “nothing ever goes away until it has taught you what you need to know,” or the general adage that the universe will keep giving you practice in what you need to learn.  By both counts, there’s a lesson I clearly need to keep learning.

I’m not in control here, and the only thing I know I have is now.

Now.  Be here now.  Now.  All I have for sure.  All any of us has for sure.  Today, these people around me, this blue sky, this wealth of emotion, these books, this difficulty, this joy.

Now.