The end of the beginning

Today was the closing ceremonies for the BB&N lower school. Grace has officially graduated from Beginners and is moving on up. I spent the 45 minute ceremony sitting between Stacey and Beth and blinking back tears. Took a ton of pictures most of which were far away and blurry. Each class (B, K, and 1) got up and sang a song, then everyone sang a song together about moving on and that really put me over the edge. I can tell that Grace is aware that we’re at an inflection point – she has picked up on my nostalgia and sadness, and she is a little anxious about saying goodbye to her teachers and her friends. In fact when I met her outside her classroom I had my sunglasses on but she busted me, asking immediately after I opened my mouth: “Mummy? Why do you have a sad voice?” I’m hoping that the couple of weeks before camp will be nice downtime for her. She has already announced to me that she is going to “sleep in” tomorrow because she is “so tired.” We have a couple of mornings of low-key playdates this week, and beyond that nothing planned.

Today Grace seemed so adult, so herself that it made me think ahead to all the years that lie in wait. It made me think of my own mother, and being of being 5, and of many other years; my mind rippled over memories so quickly they went by in a blur. I remembered a moment when Grace was probably 10 days old and Mum came over to sit with her while I tried to nap. I lay in my bed, trying to sleep, listening to my mother’s footsteps upstairs as she walked with my newborn daughter. My mother and my daughter. What a privilege it is to be flanked by two women with such heart, such determination, such predilection towards joy. What a pleasure their sunny spirits are, especially to me, who is so filled with melancholy sentimentality. I hope I can achieve with Grace the same delicate balance of closeness and separation that my mother so elegantly wrought in her relationships with Hilary and me. That she feels, someday, the same deep identification I do with Alice Walker’s wonderful quotation, long one of my favorites:

Guided by my heritage of a love of beauty and a respect for strength – in search of my mother’s garden, I found my own. – Alice Walker