warming up
On Saturday, Grace ran in the Massachusetts middle school invitational championships. It was a beautiful, bluebird day, the cloudless sky arcing, crystalline blue, overhead. As we drove out to the race, she fretted. “I just want it to be over,” she said. “I know,” I told her. “This is the worst part.”
“Well, no,” she corrected me. “The worst part is standing on the starting line waiting for the gun.” I nodded.
We found her coach and two teammates who were running in their respective age-group races. Not for the first time, I thought about how dissonant it is that running, the most solitary of sports, can require dealing with a huge crowd when you’re racing. Grace’s age group (5th and 6th grade girls) numbered 193. As her start time grew nearer her face grew tighter, her demeanor more anxious. Her coach and I both urged her to go take some short jogs and she did.
Matt, Whit and I all stood on the starting line to hold her spot as she jogged somewhat listlessly around. She’d just come back, Friday afternoon, from a four-day, three-night field trip in Vermont with her class. It is a wonderful trip renowned most of all for how exhausted it leaves the kids. Every single one of them apparently falls asleep on the bus home. She had slept a solid 12 hours on Friday night but still, I could tell, she wasn’t dealing with a full deck. She had also missed practice all week, as well as two races, which she was aware of.
Matt gave Grace a hug and a kiss and took off with the camera to find a spot on the course. I stood behind her and wrapped my arms around her shoulders. She murmured that she felt like she was going to throw up and asked me why she did this at all. She was trembling with nerves. I leaned my cheek in against hers and just hugged her tighter. “Are you cold?” I asked. She had peeled off her warmup pants and was wearing shorts. She shook her head.
An official with a megaphone walked across the course and instructed all parents and coaches to leave the starting line area. It was time for our children to be on their own. Grace turned to me, a stricken look on her face, and I gave her one more hug and our secret sign for “I love you” before falling back several feet. I stood behind her, blinking back tears, watching. I could see her wings fluttering under her shirt as her narrow shoulders shivered, some combination of fear and cold. She glanced over her shoulder and mouthed to me, “This is the worst part.” I laughed and wiped at my wet cheeks. Once again, the metaphors write themselves. I let go and I stood back.
And the gun went off.
I stood still, quickly losing her in the enormous, pounding throng. Whit and I watched until we saw her white sleeves in the front pack, heading up the first hill (or “incline,” as they call it in cross-country). And then we headed to the finish line, because I didn’t think I could bear watching her as she went. I could feel my heart beat all the way up and down my arms and blinked fast to keep the tears from spilling down my cheeks.
As I waited for her to come back into sight, I couldn’t help thinking, she’s in the woods.
I stood there, squinting, trying to see the first girls as they emerged into the home stretch. Finally I saw someone coming. It was not Grace. A few more girls thundered by. They were all pretty close together. I saw her white long-sleeve shirt and began hollering. She looked good but, truthfully, she looked tired. I saw someone fly past her and almost laughed out loud at her startled expression on her face. She glared at the finish line and sprinted towards it.
She finished seventh.
We took a team picture, she began to catch her breath, and then we drove home. Once we were in the car she admitted that she was disappointed and she cried a bit. The litany of regrets began. She had beaten the third place finisher in a race just ten days ago. She wondered what would have happened if she didn’t go to on the field trip. She had had a cramp while running. If she hadn’t wondered what if she wouldn’t be my daughter, I realized as I drove, staring forward, my heart aching.
Still: seventh. In the state. I am immensely proud of her. I think she’s proud of herself, though I think she wanted to do better. Had circumstance been different, maybe she would have. Who knows. She has already told me she has a goal for next year, which is to do better than seventh.
The moment I’ll remember from the day isn’t the panting child with a medal around her neck or the glimpse of her coming out of the woods, heading towards the finish. What I’ll most vividly recall is “Parents, please back away from your children.” And the look on her face when I did. And then watching her run away from me.
Lovely – this small moments of stepping back and letting go are what it is all about, yes? Seventh in the state! That is IMPRESSIVE! Go Grace!!!
SEVENTH PLACE!!!! Wow That is so very impressive. Congratulations, Grace!
Well done, Grace! Way to push through despite the trip and cramp. There were so many other places that she could have chosen to be, excuses to be made, but she showed up and it paid off. If that doesn’t say something about her character, I don’t know what does. I remember my cross-country days well–reading about hers here makes me wistful for them again. Can’t wait to read about next year’s race!
Congratulations on what I’m sure will be the first of many memorable moments for Grace…sports taught my daughter so much about herself, and about life. The wins, the defeats, the second places…and learning that it’s not about the race itself – only one person comes in first place – but about the preparation to get there. Here’s to raising strong girls!
This sort of reminds me of your reaction to your first half marathon, when the rest of us were amazed by what you’d accomplished, and you were focused on how it could have been better. Hmmm. Mother and daughter need to rest on their laurels and absorb the praise a little more! xox
Tears, tears, tears.
Your description of the emotions, and the exquisite detail with which you write here, are startling and beautiful.
I love this. And you.
xo
Your writing always has impeccable timing. My eighth grader was in her first middle school play on Friday night. When I picked her up from practice on Thursday night, she was in tears – so nervous for the play the next day. My husband and I had pushed her into doing the play for very good reasons, but I was mad at myself for doing it, thinking I had, again, not chosen the right time to push. I was thinking she would flop and it would be our faults. But, alas, she did perfectly and now is considering the musical for the spring. You parent so well, and seem so confident in it…..
Oh Grace – You are amazing! Congrats!
Thank you! And yes, those moments are what it’s all about … at least for me xoxo
Thank you! xox
Thank you. What a kind and generous way to read this and thing to say. xoxo
Here’s to that, indeed! xoxo
Funny, that had not occurred to me but I see the definite parallels now that you mention it! xo
Thank you, dear friend. xoxo
Oh, thank you so much for being so kind. I don’t know if the two that I parent would agree with you 🙂
But I am so glad to hear that the play went well! Hooray! ox
Thank you! oxoxox
I LOVE this, Lindsey. It is the most unique experience being the parent who cheers a child onward. You are doing it so beautifully. Thank you for sharing. xo
Breathless. Applauding you both with tears of my own.
One of your more beautiful posts, ever, and you know how I feel about your posts! Such lovely writing, evoking all the qualities of the day, the little details that bring it all to life, especially the chaos of emotion in your own mother’s heart. So lovely. And YAY for Grace!
The metaphors certainly do write themselves, don’t they? Gorgeous piece!
Congratulations, Grace!
As always, beautiful writing, Lindsey.
Wow. Seventh. That is incredible. Congratulations, Grace!
Beautiful, heartfelt piece, as always. That last paragraph made me cry.
Lindsey, I came here because of a sweet and heartfelt comment you left on my blog, and remembered that you’re that incredible friend of Hodge’s who writes so movingly about her kids. Tell Grace that when I saw the photo of her, even before I read that she finished SEVENTH in THE ENTIRE STATE OF MASSACHUSETTS, I could see that she is a champion. It’s in her face, her legs, her entire body. Take it from one whose son brings up the rear of the pack in cross-country, but who also gets terribly nervous at the startline, and whose mother would love to hold him before the gun goes off, but can’t, for fear of embarrassing him. What these kids give to their schools and to the sport would totally stop most adults. Kudos on a terrific piece and a wonderful mothering job with Grace.
Congratulations to Grace! What an impressive accomplishment. That inner grit will take her far.
Congratulations, Grace. Beautiful post, Lindsey.
Thank you so, so much. xo
Thank you! I hope so. xox
This comment makes me cry. Thank you, thank you … from a writer whose work I so adore, it means a lot to know you read and related to this. xox
Thank you so much, Sarah. xox
Thank you! xox
They really do, don’t they? xox
Chaos of emotion, indeed. I know you know it well. Thank you so much for saying such nice things. xoxo
Thank you, dear friend. xoxox
Gosh, thanks for saying that. It often feels like I’m mostly stumbling and messing up, so it’s nice to hear. xox
You nailed it. Again.
Thank you so much. xo