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Halloween. Yep, still hate it. My aggravation that it’s an excuse for women to dress up like whores has morphed into an irritation that it’s an excuse for boys to be violent. One mom told me her son said he didn’t care what he was for Halloween as “long as he had a weapon.” Ohhhh-kay. As I escorted my female firefighter around Beacon Hill, I was also surprised at how little progress we’ve made. She was met at almost every door with a perplexed series of comments: “A fireman! Oh, no, a firegirl … a fireperson?” … does it matter? But, Grace and Whit had fun, and that’s the point, I guess. (now what to do with the enormous bag of candy?).

More substantially, lately I’m definitely feeling that whole life-without-skin feeling. I swear these little people have made me even more emotionally aware and vulnerable than I was before (and those who know me well know that’s a tall order). I often feel like one of those people who have issues with sensory overload; mine is just emotional overload. The smallest and most unexpected things bring me to tears and give me that pit of the stomach sensation. I was at a private school open house last weekend and as the headmaster told the story of Orpheus and Eurydice I sat there with tears rolling down my face. Viewing the kindergarten classrooms and hearing about the school’s pedagogical philosophy made me want to sob. I can’t quite explain why; somehow Grace and Whit have made me feel the passage of time a hundred times more keenly, have provided a tangible marker of how quickly life flows by. I am so aware that this is a blessed and unique moment in my life, and somehow I am not experiencing the moment enough, not living with as much joy as this time should merit. The cliche is right on the money: the days are long and the years are short. And, with my predisposition towards introspection, it doesn’t take much to throw me overboard into the ocean of considering what I want to do with my short time here; where I want to spend and focus my one precious life.
As usual I rely on the words of those more articulate than I:
“Put your ear down next to your soul and listen hard.” – Anne Sexton (near and dear to my heart, she is)
“Your heart often knows things before your mind does.” – Polly Adler
“We cannot tell what may happen to us in the strange medley of life. But we can decide what happens in us, how we take it, what we do with it – and that is what really counts in the end.” – Joseph Fort Newton
“The unendurable is the beginning of the curve to joy.” – Djuna Barnes

The Wedding. Wow! What a beautiful ceremony. The children acquitted themselves fairly, I would say. They started down the aisle alone, and about 1/4 of the way down Whit decided he’d rather be sitting in a pew. Grace did her best to keep him on course but I had to step in and walk with one of them on each side, holding hands. This worked for another 1/4 of the way until Whit suddenly wiped out and was lying on the floor of the longest aisle in Manhattan under the watchful eye of 200 congregants. Apparently the reason he fell is he was busy flirting with and waving to a beautiful woman in the pew to his right. I finally scooped him up and walked to the altar with Whit in one arm and Gracie holding my other hand. Me as flower girl. Nice! As Dux said later, well, at least nobody cried. The reception was beautiful and the toasts heartfelt. My favorite moment was Jim’s, when he threw off a fabulous quotation from Measure for Measure: “Our doubts are traitors that rob us of what we might dream to attempt.” The theme of the remarks, and indeed of the evening in general, was persevering when something – even something profoundly uncertain – seems right; of being brave enough to take the risks required to pursue a possibility both thrilling and frightening. Gloria and Jim are together because of their willingness to do these things, and it’s extraordinary to see the result: a tangible, visceral love that inspires all who witness it. I am so delighted to have Jim join our extended godfamily and look forward to many more times with both of my favorite foreign correspondents in the years ahead.

Gracie had a fantastic fourth birthday. We had a quick and easy ride down to New York (though thank God for a call to Kendall to check directions when we were about 100 yards from the GWB … oops). After a little bit of a drama getting into our rooms at the Palace, we had a lovely afternoon visit with godmother Hadley and Alexandra, Cameron, and Margot McAuliffe. Alexandra brought cupcakes from the Magnolia Bakery which are truly as good as the hype. We blew out candles, sang happy birthday, and enjoyed Margot’s baby smiles over some sauvignon blanc on the rocks while Cameron and Gracie ran wild on their sugar highs. Grace and Daddy had a special birthday outing the next morning with a trip to FAO Schwartz and lunch out a deux. I will say that Gracie seems pretty comfortable running around the city and enjoying room service in her hotel room!

Tomorrow is Gracie’s fourth birthday. Poppy just came over to say hi and he told her, very somberly, that it was her first perfect square (4). I remember so vividly hearing about that when I was 9, and when I was 16 – was a nice moment of generations moving forward and many things staying the same. Gracie started her day by presenting her (third!) CES birthday book to Jenifer. She then celebrated with her class with cupcakes and a big “4” candle and after school we opened a big present from Grandma & Grandpa. The present is a toy veterinarian’s office which is fabulous – right now it’s about 400 plastic parts and a big manual which seems to be written in Japanese but I am optimistic about its future as a favored toy. Tomorrow we’re going to head to New York (“Nork” to Grace) and have Magnolia cupcakes with Alexandra, Cameron, Margot, and Hadley in the afternoon before practicing at the rehearsal with Gloria & Jim. Big agenda for car ride: writing my toast!! Very challenging. How to find the perfect funny and yet also deeply touching story that encapsulates all I have ever felt and loved about her. That’s impossible! I’m sure I will draw on some Ms Iwakuni and Exeter stories to illustrate how wonderful and loving and wise a friend she’s been, for some 16 years now (another perfect square)!!! Will certainly blog upon our return from New York with highlights from the festivities. In the meantime, am in my standard happy-sad state regarding Gracie turning 4. Four years ago I was in wild, intense labor with Matt (and Megan) standing staunchly by my side. We thought John was about to die. The economy was going into the crapper. The sniper was terrorizing Washington. How far we’ve come – and yet how much remains the same. The world’s uncertainties continue to cause me great fear and anxiety, but I guess I grow increasingly comfortable that that’s just a (not particularly charming) facet of who I am. This final picture shows “Today we are celebrating GRACIE’s birthday!” on the blue room whiteboard – for some reason that really got to me today. Lump-in-throat stuff.

We’re heading into the second week of Matt being in India. But the good news is that he’ll be back for the big fiesta at the end of this week: Gloria and Jim’s wedding! The children’s outfits are all ready (though I’m going to need to chop Whit’s toes off to fit into the shoes … oh well, an early lesson in suffering for beauty) and I have about a thousand and one things to do tomorrow to get packed and organized to hit the road. I am so looking forward to seeing many old friends from Princeton and from Exeter. We’re going to have tea at the Pierre with Hadley and Alexandra to celebrate Gracie’s birthday (Thursday) most of which she’ll spend in the car. Saturday morning we’ll cruise home hopefully in time for Gracie the firefighter to attend James’ Halloween party at the Harvard Museum of Natural History with the TPT family.
Last weekend was the Head of the Charles and we had a blast at my alma mater’s tent. A photographer came to take pictures for our Christmas card (this picture destined for a silver frame and Daddy’s stocking). I can actually see for the first time that Gracie and I do in fact look alike.