Les artistes

The other night, while I was writing my reflections on Devotion, Grace wandered into my office. She asked for a pen and some paper and sat down on the floor by my chair. I didn’t know what she was doing until she asked me the name of a flower that was blue (I offered “hydrangea” – not, I realize now, the most poetic of words). When she was finished she looked at me, eyes luminous with pride, and announced she had written a poem. I admit I’m impressed.

Earlier this week, Whit and a babysitter took an outing on the subway to a local art supply shop. They spent the afternoon doing some painting. When I walked in the door he rushed at me, holding this canvas in his hand and excitedly announcing that he had painted it for me. I looked up at the babysitter in surprise, looking for her admission that she had helped. No, she said, he did it all by himself. I am simply blown away. This looks like Helen Frankenthaler to me, or like Georgia O’Keeffe – two of my very favorite artists. I think this one is destined for framing (a big statement for a woman who throws away about 90% of the avalanche of art that comes in the door).

I guess I am inadvertently running a little artists colony around here.

Whit: wit and wisdom

At least once a week Whit’s teacher finds me at school drop-off- or pick-up to relate the latest story of his hilarity. The one she told me last week was about courage. They had been talking about courage, and what it means, and as you can see above Whit decided that courage is making acquaintances. I am also, as a sideline, totally charmed by this art, complete with spidery “W” signature. I’m not altogether surprised that this was his definition of courage, because for all of his feisty humor and attitude, my son is actually quite shy with strangers and struggles mightily with the eye contact I really think he ought to be making with other people when they speak to him (GRRRR).

Anyway, later that day Whit and his teacher were on some errand in the school building, when they met another adult that Whit did not know. She prompted Whit to say hello and introduce himself, which he did. As they walked back to the classroom, Whit apparently tugged at his teacher’s arm and looked at up her with very serious eyes. “Christina?” he asked, and she nodded. “That took a lot of courage,” he said with a dramatic sigh.

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Last week Whit found a safety pin in the kitchen. I don’t know why it was there, but that’s just the kind of mom I am! (see also: falling down stairs, tumbling out of shopping carts, and being bitten by dogs). Anyway, he was playing with it, clearly fascinated, and asked me what this marvelous device was called.

“A safety pin,” I said. He was silent and kept clicking it open and shut. About thirty minutes later we were donning coats, hats, mittens (the joy of the morning routine in the New England winter can’t be overstated) and Whit was still clutching the safety pin.

“Whit, you aren’t taking that to school,” I said to him.

“Why not?”

“Because it’s dangerous.”

“Then why is it called a safety pin?”

Hmmm. Good question, no?

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Yesterday morning as we sat at school waiting for the classrooms to open, I had Grace on one side of me and Whit on the other. Absently, I said, “What do you guys want to talk about?”

“Let’s talk about our feelings,” Whit said firmly.

I was impressed. I felt tears prick my eyes. My little sensitive soul. Moments later he was bouncing my foot with his, with increasing vigor, basically kicking my sneaker with his boot.

“Whit! What are you doing?” I asked him.

“What do you feel, Mummy? Do you feel pain?

Ah. Those feelings are the ones he wanted to talk about.

Light and shadow: a triptych

When I ran yesterday I was struck by the vivid difference between the side of the street in the sun and that in the shadow. In the darkness of the shadow, the sidewalks were still covered in a crust of ice with powdery snow on top (ideal ankle-breaking conditions), while the other side of the street was awash in running water. It sounds so obvious but this difference seemed really stark to me. And I thought about how for me, inquiry and writing are like sunshine: in that light, under their direct power, the ice and snow and slippery, sharp things melt away. Their form changes, their power to hurt dissolves. This is, maybe, why I write about and muse on the darker things that bother me: by focusing my attention on them, I can change the form of their matter (though I can’t make the matter disappear altogether).

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On my sunniest days, I am still the mottled pattern of light through a leafy tree. Even the brightest rays of sunshine are partially occluded by shadows. I love the pattern that these shadows make, and find fascination in their order and disorder, but I realize this is personal taste. Some prefer a more direct beam of light. I myself side with Gerard Manley Hopkins: “Glory be to God for dappled things.” There is contrast and life in the interplay of light and shadow that reminds me of the texture of my spirit.

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Grace is olive-skinned, dark-haired, with brown eyes just like mine. I can already see that she struggles under some of the same emotional storm clouds that I do. Her light is marbled with shadow, which makes it intimately familiar to me. Whit has skim-milk skin like mine, blond hair, and bright blue eyes. He is a free spirit through and through, he is sunshine without boundaries, he is a splash of bright yellow light against a red barn in the height of summer. Even as I write these characterizations, I am aware of their overly reductive and simplistic nature. Of course my children are more than these caricatures, their personalities each combed through with light and dark in individual, complex ways. But today this is how they seem to me, standing silhouetted against the setting sun of another day, their shadows lengthening behind them.

The Weary Kind

This song is playing on repeat today. In my house and, even when I’m not here, in my head. Ryan Bingham’s voice is haunting to me, as are the lyrics. I guess I feel weary. And the sense of somewhere not feeling like home anymore feels familiar. It’s been a long week and I’m feeling that familiar longing to be in a place where I can just curl up and be safe. One of those days when being me just feels a little overwhelming. I know it will pass. But this song: listen to it. Incredibly moving.

Five years old

Happy birthday, Whit.

Five years ago today.  It’s such a cliche, but I really can’t believe it.  I promise your letter is coming soon!

I love you.