I am still here. I hope you are too. This is a strange, echoing, eerie time, one of lamentation and hope, one of fear and frustration, one that is, for me, about most of all a profound confrontation with the unknown. I really don’t have anything to say. But I want to be here. I’m hungrily devouring anything anyone’s sharing about their experience of this time out of time. I’m curious about what you’re feeling, thinking, reading, eating. We are all at home, and I am certain that in the future one of the themes of writing about this time will be empty nesters suddenly finding themselves with full nests again.
That is surely the silver lining of this, if there is one: prodigious amounts of family time. Both Grace and Whit have classes most days (but not all) and they are doing a good job managing their schedules. I am adamantly not a homeschooler and I feel grateful that they are old enough to handle this themselves. Both Matt and I are working at home. I quipped in the first week that I must be one of the only people experiencing this quarantine as MORE people in their office. I have three other people in my office all day, every day. It’s noisier and messier than I’m used to. We are going through food and laundry at a record pace.
And we are so replete with blessings, I know that. There are more ways than I can possibly count that this could be worse. So far the four of us, and my mother, who lives nearby and with whom we are practicing social distancing but still in close touch, are all safe. We are able to work from here. I am so, so lucky. We all know it. I even had a moment last week of knowledge that there will come a time when I miss these days. I told Matt and about it and he laughed at me because it was such a classic thing to say. That’s just how I live in this world: shadowed always by the anticipation of loss and of missing. But I tried to channel that into being here now.
It’s not easy. I feel a huge amount of fear. What does this mean, in every way? What will the world look like “after”? Will there even BE an after? I am buoyed by my close friends and family and actually feel MORE in touch with a lot of people than I have in a long time. But every day, multiple times a day, the questions start to come. They wake me up in the middle of the night. There is so much that is unknown, and that’s always been the hardest thing for me.
So I don’t have a neat message here. I don’t have anything specific I want to say. I would love to hear what’s on your mind, your kindle, your TV, your heart, your table. I really would. Stay safe. Stay home.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings during this liminal time. It’s a gorgeous spring here in North Texas, which is such an odd contrast with the heaviness of the time. Another example of how this is not a one-dimensional experience.
I’m reading The Splendid & The Vile by Erik Larsen. I finished American Dirt about three weeks ago and it’s still with me. Both good books in normal times but more impactful for me now than they otherwise might be.
Stay well, and stay grounded in the collective grounding.
This is beautiful and honest, and really all we have that’s true. We’re still here.
We have four kids, and I have to admit that just being at home with them instead of running around to activities has warmed my introvert heart— especially since one is going to go away to start college in the fall. And yet I feel so bad for her, the full and exciting end of her senior year cut short, no chance to say all the goodbyes to friends of four years. But there’s another part of the Myers-Briggs test that makes me so anxious during all this, and that’s the “J” part— like you, I really like things settled, I like knowing how they are going to be. And I really don’t right now, especially because I’m a physician. My work life and the world outside the clinic are both constantly changing right now. Anyway, just doing what I can, I guess.
Yes to all of this. “Eerie” is the right word. But I too take a weird comfort in being stuck together in the house, even when we have some hairy cat fights with tween/teen daughters. Thanks for sharing this and sending you lots of love from Scituate. xoxo
I said the same thing to my Grace last week- that I will miss these days when they’re done. It has been nice to slow down and reconnect with the daily routines that get lost in the shuffle of life. It is a bittersweet balance though, acknowledging the fear and uncertainty outside of the safety of our homes. We’re praying for peace for everyone. Thank you for sharing.
Like you, I’m already mourning the end of this time.
Ah, it is good to read your words. They are a soothing balm. And like you, I devour everything people write about their lives these days.
Like you I vacillate between feeling immensely blessed and incredibly fearful. Also exhausted, since my children are small and at 2 and 5 demand a lot of attention, on top of our two full-time jobs. And yet. I’m with my favorite people.
I just finished “Dear Edward”, which was absolutely riveting. Right now I’m reading “Everywhere you don’t belong”, but it’s harder to get into for me right now. I have Margaret Renkl’s “Late Migrations” up next, which I know you loved. We watch “The Voice” as a family and are sad it won’t complete. I love making soups these days and adore NYT cooking for all sorts of recipes. Also, homemade pizza and potatoes in all forms. Comfort food for my German heart.
Best wishes for you and your family!
I want to mention just the positives: Slowing down, being reminded of “essentials and non-essentials”, spending time with my children, loving them even more, trying out being their teachers, sleeping in, exploring trails in our neighborhood, less shopping, and reading the news that levels of pollution is decreasing (I think this last one is the best part, I love our earth so much!).
I’m so glad that you’re writing here regularly. I am feeling many of the same sentiments and I started writing regularly on my neglected blog too. I think writing helps me work through my anxiety.
Amen! Just read about your weekend and think I need to track down that mac and cheese recipe 🙂