It hasn’t been a very calm few months at our house. Which is strange, because in other ways it’s been very calm. We haven’t done much other than work, physical therapy, and homework (me, Matt, and kids, in that order). But everybody feels frayed and tense, not to mention tired, and we seem to be blowing up at each other with uncomfortable regularity.
Often the mornings are bad. We bicker and argue over breakfast (and “we” here is usually the children and me) and then pile into the car to make the 0.75 mile drive to school. There’s some escalation of the disagreement in the car and by the time I drop Grace and Whit off I am filled with a toxic mixture of sorrow and regret. I feel awful about having argued with the kids, usually it is at least partially my fault, and I can’t shake it off.
While I have said over and over and over again that Grace and Whit don’t belong to us, I do know that Matt and I to a certain degree create the weather in which they are growing up. I feel terrible that I’m responsible for too many tense moments and thunder storms in the last months.
I started this post before the election results and it feels self-indulgent to write about how things are snappy inside our house when I worry about the state of the country generally. But at the same time, I realize that maybe the only thing I can possibly influence IS what’s inside my house, so I need to focus there. Since November 9th I feel enormously more sorrowful and anxious, but somehow, also more focused on keeping things peaceful at home.
There are several things that keep running through my head these last few days, but chief among them is the line that I have used two times on our family holiday card.
Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me.
This is what I want to do, to be, to model. I just have to figure out how to stop snapping long enough to do it.
How are you doing, out there? I’m honestly curious.