…be comforted in the fact that the ache in your heart and the confusion in your soul means that you are still alive, still human, and still open to the beauty of the world, even though you have done nothing to deserve it.
-Paul Harding, Tinkers
Another beautiful find on Barnstorming
Grace meeting my maternal grandfather, Ba, for the first time. Her middle name (and my mother’s, and mine) is his name.
Today we are celebrating Thanksgiving with my father’s family. It will be our first Thanksgiving without Pops, who for many, many years presided over a table groaning with 2 turkeys and circled by well over 30 extended family members (and the odd random – I love them, Mum, I really do!). I actually can’t imagine the meal without his saying grace first, his voice halting and cracking, his eyes filling with tears. We will miss him acutely today.
But it is the Thanksgiving 10 years ago that is on my mind. On November 28, 2002, Matt and I drove the hour south to my parents’ house in near-silence. Matt’s father was still in a coma after his heart transplant two days ago. I was deep in the darkness of my newly-diagnosed postpartum depression. The economy was in freefall. In those days, we both walked gingerly, wondering if the earthquake was finished, hoping the roof over our head was sturdy, trying to find our balance.
In those shaky hours, my head swarming with questions and my heart galloping with anxiety, I was able to recognize the abundant good. Both of my grandfathers held my brand-new daughter. In the evening, we visited my father-in-law in the hospital and heard that he was beginning to wake up. We were suspended between then and now, between birth and death and the infinite shades of gray that exist in between. My gratitude was almost – but not quite – smothered by bewilderment and fear. This is the lesson I remember today: there are always miracles, and there is always beauty. Always. We just have to look carefully.
with the forests falling faster than the minutes
of our lives we are saying thank you…
we are saying thank you faster and faster
with nobody listening we are saying thank you
we are saying thank you and waving
dark though it is
-W. S. Merwin
Writing in the sand at Crane’s Beach, Sunday morning. Clear and cold and gorgeous. This is a place where we’ve danced before with the inexorability of the tides. And still, Grace bent over, writing and drawing in the sand. She knows this will be washed away, but the joy of making her mark overrides any concerns impermanence. A lesson for us all.
In the summer of 1992, my father gave me a document that he’d written for me. It was called Advice for a College Freshman from her Father, and I still have it. The advice was all wise, the writing, as usual, crisp and perfect. But this right here is my favorite line. I don’t know how many years ago I cut it out and put it on the board in front of my desk, but it has greeted me every single day, at eye level, for a long, long time.
I sit down at my desk and I glance up and I see this. Every morning. Have I made peace with the quest? I don’t know. I have been asking myself that. The quest continues to be mutable, its fluidity confounding. Just as soon as I think I’ve figured out how to be in the world, that certainty cracks open. As soon as I grab the brass ring on which I’ve focused all my attention, it dissolves and another distant one takes its place.
What I do know that I didn’t know 20 years ago was that the quest is all there is. I suppose that is what my wise father meant, in fact: make peace with the fact that the quest is your life. Live in the quest rather than for the destination. Such a cliche but also, of course, such an unbearable, unavoidable truth. Dad would never disavow goals or ambitions, I know that for sure. And it is important to remember that there is great value in having dreams and goals and in aiming for them. I would never want to raise children who shy away from ambition and achievement. I just don’t want that to be the only thing they care about. What I’m learning is that ambitions and achievement can coexist with a peaceful submission to the process, with an embrace of the journey from here to there.
As it often does, my mind skips, just like the rocks my father so skillfully skips into the sea, to the words of another that I know by heart:
“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” – Ursula LeGuin
I am delighted to be participating in a blog tour to celebrate the release of Kristen Brown’s book, The Happy Hour Effect: 12 Secrets to Minimize Stress and Maximize Life. Kristen, an author, entrepreneur, certified health coach, mother, and widow, has written an practical guide to reducing stress and increasing joy. Her book includes actionable steps, inspirational quotes, expert interviews, and anecdotes which together provide an appealing and specific approach to change our lives now.
We are hurtling headlong into a season that many find taxing and overwhelming. Last year a dear friend asked me for advice on how to reduce what felt like immense mayhem and pressure around the holidays. Though I have made changes in my own life to try to protect this season as one of peace and reflection, the truth is I was at a loss for what to say. Thankfully Kristen has written a short piece with 10 instant holiday stress busters. I am happy to share this pragmatic advice here.
10 Instant Holiday Stress Busters
The holiday season is upon us and with it comes gift-giving, entertaining, parties, kids’ events, travel and weather issues, emotional overload and many other stressors that can overload us. As a widow mom, entrepreneur, writer and speaker on all things work/life harmony and stress management-related, I have pulled together 10 of the most simple, effective ways to reduce the symptoms of holiday stress (or everyday stress). Each one takes just seconds to do and they have been scientifically-proven to help our bodies and minds function more effectively! In moments you will feel less anxiety and more balance with some nice health benefits as a bonus. Check out the list and try each one when holiday craziness overcomes you.
Another tip that deserves its own mention is to put yourself in others’ shoes. Would you rather receive a gift card or a gift you don’t want no matter how thoughtful? Would you rather enjoy a laid back holiday party or a super-formal gathering? Do you prefer simple, traditional decorations or over-the-top glitz? Do you want your kids to value human connection and the spirit of the holidays or to learn self-indulgent materialism and over-the-top spending? Once you realize that your stress may be caused by over-complicating something that should be about peace, joy and love, you and your loved ones will be much happier and healthier too!
Kristen K. Brown is a bestselling and award-winning author, widow mom, speaker and founder of Happy Hour Effect. Check out her books “The Best Worst Thing” and “The Happy Hour Effect: 12 Secrets to Minimize Stress and Maximize Life” at www.HappyHourEffect.com.