Like many of us, I was deeply touched by Barack Obama’s speech on Wednesday at the Tucson memorial service. The lines that spoke to me most are these:
“We’re shaken from our routines, and forced to look inward. We reflect on the past. Did we spend enough time with an aging parent, we wonder. Did we express our gratitude for all the sacrifices they made for us? Did we tell a spouse just how desperately we loved them, not just once in awhile but every single day?
So sudden loss causes us to look backward – but it also forces us to look forward, to reflect on the present and the future, on the manner in which we live our lives and nurture our relationships with those who are still with us. We may ask ourselves if we’ve shown enough kindness and generosity and compassion to the people in our lives. Perhaps we question whether we are doing right by our children, or our community, and whether our priorities are in order.
We recognize our own mortality, and are reminded that in the fleeting time we have on this earth, what matters is not wealth, or status, or power, or fame – but rather, how well we have loved, and what small part we have played in bettering the lives of others.”
Obama’s sentiments reminded me of one of the few things I know to be true: we don’t, ever, adequately express our gratitude and love for those closest to us. We just don’t. Interestingly, I had written an email to a friend on the 11th, an old friend with whom I’ve lost touch, and of whom I was thinking. I wrote to her of how much she meant to me and of how much I cherished her despite our lack of contact. The next morning I heard back from her, and she said, “So often, we all think things about other people but fail to tell them. I’m touched you thought enough to send your nice thoughts.”
Her words, and Obama’s, both remind me of how tragic the paucity of our gratitude towards those we love most can be. I wrote these words years ago, but they feel right again today.
I believe that those we hold dearest can never be told enough how much we care about them. I think often of Peggy Noonan’s wonderful editorial after 9/11 about the last phone calls made and messages left by those who perished in the attacks. Her line that I love is this:
“We’re all lucky to be here today and able to say what deserves saying, and if you say it a lot, it won’t make it common and so unheard, but known and absorbed.”
I believe this deeply: expressing how we feel frequently doesn’t cheapen the words, but allows them to sink into the object of our affection’s very marrow. Our grateful words are all spoken in the shadow of the fact that we can’t know when that day will come, that day when we can no longer say “thank you, you mean a lot to me.” It is tragic to hear of people rushing to a deathbed to share how they feel, or, worse, to hear about regret at not having been able to express those feelings in time. It seems obvious that we ought to work harder to thank people, to let those who we love know it, as we go along.
As we travel the arc of our lives, whose shape – graceful and long or abrupt and short – we cannot know, it would behoove us to be grateful, thoughtful, and communicative. Easier said than done, of course. Like cleaning up as you go along while cooking dinner, this is instinctive for some, learned for others, and impossible for a few.
How about we all take two minutes to share our gratitude for someone who is important to us today?
Thank you for this! I was moved by the same words and yesterday I discussed it with a friend. We sweat the small stuff and we argue over trivial things when it could all be gone in an instant .
I am so glad to be traveling the arc of life with you, and with souls so like you. It does all come down to a kind of figurative cleaning up as we go along, doesn’t it?
I’m still noodling my thoughts on this speech, but I have to say it was heartening to hear those sentiments put out on the airways…
Love.
Not only does showing gratitude mean a lot to the recipient, it means a lot to the giver as well. Psychology research shows that expressing sincere gratitude to someone who has meant a lot to you is one of the strongest ways to increase your happiness.
Thank you as always for sharing all these great thoughts…
This is why I dislike Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, etc… I feel that, if I love my mother, I should be telling and showing her ALL year, not just one day.
This is lovely, Lindsey, and such an important reminder. I know that I never regret it when I express my love or gratitude to someone in my life. So then why don’t I do it more often, in the spirit of Peggy Noonan’s words, “if you say it a lot, it won’t make it common and so unheard, but known and absorbed”?
Thank you for this piece.
So interesting that you wrote this today. Not often enough do I take a few minutes to let someone know how much I care, how they have inspired me or just to let them know I am here. But today I sent two short but honest and caring emails expressing my appreciation. I hope to continue to work on this.
Gee I love this post. Especially your analogy about “cleaning up as you go.” I have always been a big thank you note writer, not just because it’s the right thing to do but because I truly enjoy expressing gratitude. So often in life people only hear when something is wrong, and rarely when goes right, and I think that is a shame.
A couple of Christmases ago I gave my husband a framed photo that I loved of him with our oldest son, on it reads: A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove…but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child.
You’ve probably read this before, but I thought of it as I read your post. It’s a sentiment we should remind ourselves of often. To show appreciation and love.
And I am truly grateful for you.
xo
Yes, yes, yes. Thank goodness we have a President who will stand up in front of the nation and remind us that what matters is how well we have loved. And thank goodness we have you, to bring that message right home. Beautiful.
thank you, you mean a lot to me, lindsey.
Elizabeth’s note expresses my sentiments exactly! Yesterday I got a letter from a friend thanking *me* for a “thinking of you” note I sent to her and my 5 year-old son said, “How come I never get any letters in the mail?” and I said, “Well, if you write them you’ll probably get them back.”
He pointed out that he wrote thank you notes for all of his holiday gifts and didn’t get any back. Nor did he receive any thank you notes for the gifts he gave.
It wrenched my heart that he is realizing that expressing appreciation is not a common practice. But, as with anything, we can only control our response to any situation and I’m grateful for more examples like those expressed here.
So thank you so much, Lindsey and her readers, for shining such a bright light!
Several years ago, I started telling people, right when it hit me, how much I adored, loved, looked-up-to, enjoyed, esteemed them. Interestingly, it often times startled my friends and family, as I would serve up my sentiments at random, unexpected times. Most of us aren’t used to random acts of gratitude. I hope your post inspires many to do just that. xo