I can’t look at everything hard enough

Emily (softly, more in wonder than in grief):

I can’t bear it. They’re so young and beautiful. Why did they ever have to get old? Mama, I’m here. I’m grown up. I love you all, everything. – I can’t look at everything hard enough.

….

Emily (in a loud voice to the Stage Manager):

I can’t. I can’t go on. It goes so fast. We don’t even have time to look at one another.

She breaks down sobbing.

I didn’t realize. So all that was going on and we never noticed. Take me back – up the hill – to my grave. But first: Wait! One more look.

Good-by, Good-by, world. Good-by, Grover’s Corners … Mama and Papa. Good-by to clocks ticking … and Mama’s sunflowers. And food and coffee. And new-ironed dresses and hot baths … and sleeping and waking up. Oh, earth, you’re too wonderful for anybody to realize you.

She looks toward the stage manager and asks abruptly, through her tears:

Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it? – every, every minute?

Stage manager:

No.

– from Our Town, Thornton Wilder

Thank you to Martha for urging me to re-read this extraordinary play … I can’t wait to talk about it. And to Katrina, for your glorious essay whose timing cannot be a coincidence.

Long weekend in the sunshine

I drove down to Marion on Thursday evening with Grace and Whit.

Blue hydrangeas for Mum’s birthday.


Friday morning we walked to watch Mum play tennis.


Friday afternoon G, W and I went to the beach. Grace toiled long and hard on this sand castle, complete with seaweed flag.

Saturday afternoon we had a drink with an old friend of mine from college and her new son (and her 3 year old daughter too).


Saturday evening cooled off and Grace and Whit pulled out their matching G and W sweaters. Later that night were the fireworks, and as has become the tradition, I stayed home with Whit who dislikes them.

Matching Fourth of July pajamas on the morning of the 4th.

A swim in my great-godmother’s pool down the street.

Close friends from Boston arrived on the afternoon of the 4th and we all went to the beach. My goddaughter was delighted by the ocean.

Rose for E and me.

Grace and James played tennis while their dads played singles.

Sparklers.

Monday morning, waiting for the parade. That’s our white picket fence. Main Street.

These guys make me cry every single year.

Happy kids, in red, white and blue. I love this tradition, and this weekend. My mother’s birthday, my godfamily (extra treat: new and original, this year!), fireworks, rose, the beach, swimming, sparklers, and WW2 vets. Pretty perfect.

Dear Money

I loved Martha’ McPhee’s Dear Money. The book’s voice is funny and smart, its observations nuanced and searing. Martha’s thoughtful commentary is both right on the money (as it were) and somewhat scary.  There is so much in Dear Money that made me smile with wry identification, so many details that rang true from both the deliberately non-flashy Maine coastal life and from the deliberately oh-so-flashy Manhattan finance world.

As I ran this weekend in Marion, down streets whose houses are so familiar as to be almost like people, standing silently around the borders of my memories, I found myself thinking yet again of the Maine house at the center of Dear Money’s narrative. One Marion house in particular always strikes me when I run, a large, beautiful house, the line of whose chimneys and eaves against the hydrangea blue sky I can see with my eyes closed. As this house floated into my vision, again, I thought of how Dear Money is simultaneously a love letter to a house and a piece of piercing commentary on what houses became during the frothy finance era of 2004-2007.

Houses – and this one house in Maine in particular – are at the very heart of Dear Money. They represent what, after the turn of the century, the American public decided it was owed. A house is shorthand for the rich destiny to which the average person so stubbornly determined they deserved. The house in Maine also stands for the characters’ most cherished dreams of how their lives will look.

Dear Money is ultimately about the interplay between creativity and material success, the deep longing for and fascination with that those in each world have for the other, of the inevitable and somewhat depressing impossibility of mingling the two. India Palmer, the protagonist, becomes a bond trader basically on a dare, walking away from a life as a published and critically, if not commercially, successful novelist. She trades places, basically, with the husband of a couple with whom she and her husband are close. These two friends walk into each others’ worlds and Martha traces, with telling detail and devastating honesty, the ways that this ripples throughout both of their lives.

As I thought about this review I kept hearing the CSNY song “Change Partners” in my head, imagining the ways that some people dance with the same muse or calling their whole lives, and other switch, and wondering about the reasoning behind and the ramifications of that switch. Perhaps, as someone with a foot in both of the worlds that Martha so unerringly describes, I am especially moved by this novel.

Fascinating character populate Dear Money. There are the two couples at the center of the story, but the extended ecosystem is beautifully rendered as well, with colleagues and peers from the worlds of both literature and finance stepping in and out of the story. India and her husband Theodor enjoy a realistic and truly solid marriage, and the ways in which they are jarringly similar to and yet widely different from their friends Will and Emma. Win Johns, the aptly-named svengali who transforms India’s life, is entertaining and believable even in his over-the-top-ness.

I loved Dear Money. It’s one of those novels into which you can fall headfirst and languish, utterly absorbed in its story and world. Martha’s observations, though tinged with cynicism, always felt warm-hearted to me, informed by an abiding faith in the basic goodness of people. The book’s conclusion, as I understand it, is that people are complicated, various, and profoundly driven by what they want most fiercely. Martha resists simple categorizations of right and wrong or good and bad. It is her ability to pull off such a textured depiction of a world that has often been rendered in black and white that I am most impressed by. There is no easy answer and no obvious high road. There is, instead, a world populated by confused and dreamy people, paddling desperately, not sure if they are moving forward or back.

So different … and so much the same.

Two years ago, I wrote this … how far we’ve come and yet how things are still the same.  The requisite parade photograph will come on Monday (I may have to do a retrospective as I have many years of parade photographs now!)

Anyway … Fourth of July, 2008:

Happy Fourth! The parade was its usual motley self – both under- and overwhelming at the same time. The WW2 veterans made me cry, as usual, with their proud, dwindling presence. The children adored it, from the firetrucks to the flags to the candy thrown at them. We had assorted family and friends gathered in our front yard (one of the perks of living on Main Street is that the parade literally comes right by our house) drinking coffee and milling around.

Whit has been a handful of late; sometimes I feel like I am, more than anything, waiting him out. Trusting that this, like all things, is just a phase. The child has extraordinary instincts for self preservation. At the exact moment that I think I am going to throw in the towel and just give him up to the state, he jekyll-and-hydes into a sweet little boy. Yesterday he threw such a tantrum at the breakfast table that I had to take him out to the yard and pin him down in the grass for a time out whose tone can only be called corporal punishment-esque. He finally quieted down, accompanied me back into the kitchen, and quietly began eating his muffin. A few minutes later he looked up, fixed me with a tentative smile, and said, “Mummy? I love you.” And somehow, despite being able to feel the imprints of his teeth on my palms still, I swooned.

We have had some lovely moments during this 4 day weekend. Grace, Whit and I went swimming twice in Biege’s pool (Biege, my godmother’s mother, lives a block away and keeps her pool heated to 90+ degrees -heaven, in my book). In the absence of other distractions I was able to really just be with them, to feel their sheer joy at being in the water. Whit, for the first time, untethered himself from me – he took off, swimming with two noodles under his arms, and never looked back. It was bittersweet, of course, this wanting to “do it my own self!” but I applaud the independence as much as I mourn it. Grace is confident in the water now, interested in learning how to dive and able to swim entire laps under water.

I feel like the mother that I want to be flits in and out of my days, perniciously resistant to capture, her rhythms confounding in their resolute illogicality. Her very presence – tolerant, patient, engaged – is a blessing, telling me that I am, occasionally, the parent I aspire to be. But she is also a deep reminder of how often I fail to meet those goals, an ever-present yardstick showing me how far I am from what my children deserve.