Slowing down

Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me


That carol has been in my head this afternoon. It’s been the verbiage on my Christmas card more than once, and I still think it’s wise, wise advice. I am thinking now about what it means. What does it really imply to want to have peace begin with me.

And my mind keeps circling back to the same words: slow down

Slow down …

  • My reactions.
  • My defensiveness.
  • How quickly I physically move.
  • In responding to what someone says – I might understand better if I let it sink in. And I should stop interrupting which is just more of the same thing.
  • With my children – I rush them too much.
  • In acting on impulses. Just breathe and wait and see.

It feels natural this time of year, somehow, to slow down. The rhythm of the natural world has slowed, though there is the artificial frenzy leading up to the *h*o*l*i*d*a*y*s (!!! wide fake smile!!!). I am going to try to feel that slowness in my own body, to slow my responses, my reactions, my very breathing. The world is turning, very soon towards the sun again, and I need to slow down in order to trust that.

Those I love most deserve it. Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me.

Best of 2009: Gwen Bell blog challenge

Today: Workshop or conference. Was there a conference or workshop you attended that was especially beneficial? Where was it? What did you learn?

Well this one is easy. September 26 firestarter with Danielle LaPorte. I wrote about it then and I’m not sure there’s much to add beyond what I wrote then. I’m sadly not much further along in answering the questions. I did have a one-on-one with Danielle in early November, and had the same experience of tears bubbling to the surface without the words to explicate them. Danielle reaches into me with a touch that is both firm and compassionate and pushes me to find ways to explain and express the emotions that she accesses.

Today was a fascinating day, so full of thoughts and emotions that my head and heart are both full to overflowing right now. I spent the day at Aidan’s house with Danielle LaPorte and a fascinating, diverse group of 23 people (22 woman and 1 man). We started with introductions. Most people talked for 2-3 minutes about where they were in their lives, what they did and wanted to do, and what their challenge was. I spoke for approximately 15 seconds and ended my brief sentences with a shrug. I was reminded today of how, in a group of strangers, my default is to feel awkward and shy. I felt very shy in that room. I didn’t talk again all morning.

Danielle spoke about her own story, commenting on the inflection points and decisions, wise and unwise, which had brought her to where she is today. Among the comments that she made that I remember verbatim was that you have to ask for what you want. A promotion, readers, success, a contract. You cannot expect good things to simply come. You have to meet grace halfway, she said. Asking for what I want – or for help of any kind – is something that makes me both nervous and uncomfortable, so I don’t like hearing this, but I know that it is true.

Danielle asked several thought-provoking questions, among them:

What are you sarcastic about? (this may indicate a place of defensiveness)

What do people thank you for? (gratitude is tied to your own genius)

How do you want to feel?

This last one led into one of Danielle’s key points. She asserted that we are all driven by our need to feel a set of core desired feelings. That all of our behavior and decisions are in search of these feelings. To figure out what those are, therefore, is a critical step in clarifying what our life should look like. What professional and personal infrastructure should we have to maximize how often we feel the way we want to feel?

I don’t even have answers to Danielle’s searching questions yet. Just more questions. More than once today – in fact, over and over – I welled up with tears. I found myself in the grip of a swell of emotion both powerful and inchoate. This is not the first time I’ve felt this. I have moments where I feel full to the brim with thoughts and feelings that I am powerless to control and unable to name. I know there is a tide turning in my spirit, but I don’t exactly understand where the undertow is taking me.

I struggle to remember that there is a design in what looks like utter lack of order, a reason why things happen. I know in my core that I believe these things. I fiercely want to trust that there is a place where I will feel unfettered and like I am doing what I should be doing. I have never felt that, have not felt passionate or intellectually alive since college. For all of my grandiose aspirations and big, inarticulate dreams, I know that I also, truly, fundamentally, want to feel useful. I want to contribute. To whatever it is I am doing, to the big or the small, to something.

I end today with many more questions than I began it with. Zora Neale Hurston said there are years that ask questions and years that answer. I’ve had a series of question-asking years in a row. I look forward to the fruition of some answers.

Sunlight and Snow

The sunlight on the garden
Hardens and grows cold
We cannot cage the minute
Within its net of gold

-Louis MacNeice

Snow everywhere this morning. And a gorgeous, albeit cold light. This poem was in my head from when I first looked out the window. Why is it that I can’t remember major, important things but certain poems and quotations are imprinted on my memory, floating to the surface from time to time and insistently rendering themselves onto my consciousness?

Am I a chameleon or an island? Or neither.

I’ve been thinking for the last couple of days about community, and belonging. Kristen’s post about whether certain perspectives are too familiar to push her to expand her thinking triggered it. Some of the comments, which referred to a community of bloggers who share a certain attitude about the world, made me think more.

I’ve spent my life feeling like I don’t really fit in anywhere. There are myriad places where I feel like I have one foot in the space, but nowhere I feel I really belong. I often have the sense of hovering around the perimeter of any group that I am with, of being a pale ghost floating over my own life, observing rather than participating. This no doubt contributes to my assumption of the role of photographer: some degree of remove helps in that position. At least with a camera in my hands there is something specific to do, a concrete task with which to busy myself so I don’t dwell on how awkward I feel.

I rarely feel comfortable to be fully myself, to reveal the deepest fears of my heart, to trust my affiliation with a group or even an individual. When I do find someone – and the truth is, there isn’t a group I can say this about, and only a tiny handful of people – with whom I can truly breathe and speak from my heart, the startled relief I feel can be overwhelming. I feel I am coming out of Plato’s cave, realizing that all of those other relationships and experiences were shadows, blinking my eyes in the dizzying, blinding sunlight. And then what follows is intense fear that this person, this key to a world of both glorious color and deep comfort, will leave me.

I’ve taken harsh, harsh criticism over the years for trying too hard to “fit in” to various groups. For being a chameleon who becomes what others want me to be. But what was – and still is – my alternative? To be lonely all of the time? I suppose I should be strong enough not to need or seek relationship or identification with a group or community. Yes, that is what I should be, but I’m just not. I am not an island. I wish I was. I wish I was confident and strong enough to not need a sense of belonging, but I’m not. Of course what I know now is that to be in a group and not feel engaged or fully present is actually more lonely than just being alone.

A desire to belong – to fit in – has haunted my entire life. I have ached, for years, to truly fit in somewhere. And I don’t. I guess I’m starting to accept that: I am perhaps too much of a kaleidoscope, too multi-faceted but also too fragmented, to really have a single place I “fit.” But it’s time for me to be gentler myself about this need, and to recognize it as a human impulse. Over the years I have emphasized certain things about myself and de-emphasized others in an effort to “pass,” and I’m mortified by some silly choices I may have made, but I haven’t ever done anything truly hurtful or amoral in this effort.

I suppose it’s all about recognizing, as Toni Morrison said, that “you are your own best thing.” If I could know that, maybe I’d long to belong a little less. Perhaps recognizing it is the first step. At least I hope so.

Best of 2009: Gwen Bell blog challenge

Today: Book. What book – fiction or non – touched you?

Really really hard to pick just one! So I think I will pick two. Neil Stephenson’s Anathem and Michael Ondaatje’s Divisadero.

Anathem is thick, dense, and comes with a 30+ page glossary of the invented words that populate its pages. The story is ostensibly a science fiction tale set in the future, though I could not shake the feeling as I read that it was actually many decades ago, set in a monastery in Europe. I am still not sure that I understood even half of this book’s layers, so I am not confident writing about it. Stephenson includes dazzling numbers of references, arcane and complex, in his story. There is art, there is math, there is science, there is astronomy, there is religion.

The title alone fascinates me. It seems an amalgam of an anthem and anathema. An anthem about an anathema? I don’t know. I rolled the word over and over in my mouth, in my brain. I still think it is lovely, mysterious, opaque.

Anathem dares to explore and anticipate nothing less than the end of the world. Its themes include the meaning of humanity, whether or not God exists, questions of identity in a world of rigorously-defined social strata, the crucial importance of thoughtful, dogged scientific inquiry, and the uncertainty of who you can trust and who you can’t. The book’s language is baroque, its story labyrinthine. I still cannot stop thinking about it.

A few short quotes:

It’s what you don’t expect that … most needs looking for.

Just aiming a speely input device, or a Farspark chambre, or whatever you call it… a speelycaptor… at something doesn’t collect what is meaningful to me. I need someone to gather it in with all their senses, mix it round in their head, and make it over into words.

They knew many things but had no idea why. And strangely this made them more, rather than less, certain that they were right.

Wrung out, purified, shaky but stronger.

… when I saw any of those kinds of beauty I knew I was alive, and not just in the sense that when I hit my thumb with a hammer I knew I was alive, but rather in the sense that I was partaking of something–something was passing through me that it was in my nature to be a part of.

Divisadero. Ondaatje is probably my favorite living writer, just for the sheer, audacious gorgeousness of his writing. Language is like leaping flame in his hands. The other writer I feel this way about right now is Annie Dillard. With Divisadero, I had the same experience I have had with other Ondaatje works of falling headfirst into his glorious world of language and imagery, of consuming a book that is as much poetry as it is novel, as much musing on life itself as it is fiction.

Ondaatje’s writing is clear, declarative, and simple, yet at the same time evocative and rich with imagery. How he accomplishes this shimmering lyricism with language that is not flowery or overwrought is nothing short of magic. Sentences of his line up in my mind, repeating themselves over and over almost every day (“the heart is an organ of fire,” “she was within him now,” “do you understand the sadness of geography?”).

The book is more a series of linked narratives than a traditional novel. It explores themes as central to the human experience as the definition of family and how early experiences in our lives can echo through the rest of our days. Divisadero just took hold of my imagination and did not let go. I finished it in an afternoon, and that night as I fell asleep I wondered why the book didn’t positively glow on the bureau, so luminous is the writing inside. What a genius this man is.

As I read I underlined passages that I loved (as I always do) and last night I transferred them into a Word document. Which was four pages once I was finished. I will try to be careful in selecting only the very best to share here. After all, it is more compelling to let Ondaatje’s mastery speak for itself than to continue trying, in my ham-handed fashion, to describe it.

Everything is biography, Lucian Freud says. What we make, why it is made, how we draw a dog, who it is we are drawn to, why we cannot forget. Everything is a collage, even genetics. There is the hidden presence of others in us, even those we have known briefly. We contain them for the rest of our lives, at every border we cross.

Going after lost things was as uncertain as prayer.

So there had always been and perhaps always would be a maze of unmarked roads between her and others.

… how to see that the present continually altered the past, just as the past was a strange inheritance that fell upside down into one’s life like an image through a camera obscura. All that was consistent was a principle … He did not know whether she was a lens to focus the past or a fog to obliterate it.

She’d lived one of her essential lives with Coop, and she could never dismantle herself from him.

In spite of her desire for a contained universe, her life felt scattered, full of many small moments, without great purpose. That is what she thought, though what is most untrustworthy about our natures and self-worth is how we differ in our own realities from the way we are seen by others.

And they saw that anything, everything, could be taken away, there was nothing that could be held on to except each other in this iron-like world that appeared to stretch out for the rest of their lives.

There was in the end an order, even to this.

His thoughts and emotions were loose in him, random, similar to the abrupt cuts of light in the sky.

For the raw truth of an episode never ends, just as the terrain of my sister’s life and the story of my time with Coop are endless to me.