Today: Workshop or conference. Was there a conference or workshop you attended that was especially beneficial? Where was it? What did you learn?
Well this one is easy. September 26 firestarter with Danielle LaPorte. I wrote about it then and I’m not sure there’s much to add beyond what I wrote then. I’m sadly not much further along in answering the questions. I did have a one-on-one with Danielle in early November, and had the same experience of tears bubbling to the surface without the words to explicate them. Danielle reaches into me with a touch that is both firm and compassionate and pushes me to find ways to explain and express the emotions that she accesses.
Today was a fascinating day, so full of thoughts and emotions that my head and heart are both full to overflowing right now. I spent the day at Aidan’s house with Danielle LaPorte and a fascinating, diverse group of 23 people (22 woman and 1 man). We started with introductions. Most people talked for 2-3 minutes about where they were in their lives, what they did and wanted to do, and what their challenge was. I spoke for approximately 15 seconds and ended my brief sentences with a shrug. I was reminded today of how, in a group of strangers, my default is to feel awkward and shy. I felt very shy in that room. I didn’t talk again all morning.
Danielle spoke about her own story, commenting on the inflection points and decisions, wise and unwise, which had brought her to where she is today. Among the comments that she made that I remember verbatim was that you have to ask for what you want. A promotion, readers, success, a contract. You cannot expect good things to simply come. You have to meet grace halfway, she said. Asking for what I want – or for help of any kind – is something that makes me both nervous and uncomfortable, so I don’t like hearing this, but I know that it is true.
Danielle asked several thought-provoking questions, among them:
What are you sarcastic about? (this may indicate a place of defensiveness)
What do people thank you for? (gratitude is tied to your own genius)
How do you want to feel?
This last one led into one of Danielle’s key points. She asserted that we are all driven by our need to feel a set of core desired feelings. That all of our behavior and decisions are in search of these feelings. To figure out what those are, therefore, is a critical step in clarifying what our life should look like. What professional and personal infrastructure should we have to maximize how often we feel the way we want to feel?
I don’t even have answers to Danielle’s searching questions yet. Just more questions. More than once today – in fact, over and over – I welled up with tears. I found myself in the grip of a swell of emotion both powerful and inchoate. This is not the first time I’ve felt this. I have moments where I feel full to the brim with thoughts and feelings that I am powerless to control and unable to name. I know there is a tide turning in my spirit, but I don’t exactly understand where the undertow is taking me.
I struggle to remember that there is a design in what looks like utter lack of order, a reason why things happen. I know in my core that I believe these things. I fiercely want to trust that there is a place where I will feel unfettered and like I am doing what I should be doing. I have never felt that, have not felt passionate or intellectually alive since college. For all of my grandiose aspirations and big, inarticulate dreams, I know that I also, truly, fundamentally, want to feel useful. I want to contribute. To whatever it is I am doing, to the big or the small, to something.
I end today with many more questions than I began it with. Zora Neale Hurston said there are years that ask questions and years that answer. I’ve had a series of question-asking years in a row. I look forward to the fruition of some answers.
What an amazing day that was. To hunker down in my own living room with so many different people with different dreams was more than a treat. One of the best parts of that day for me? Meeting a certain someone for the first time, glimpsing the face that goes along with the gorgeous "gossamer webs" I read daily.
Thank you for reminding me of that day, of the brief but enduring magic that transpired in my own home.
I am so glad you revisited this post. I remember reading the line, "You have to meet grace halfway" when you first posted. I have thought of it many times since and couldn't remember the source. I am very grateful for the reminder of this sage advice.
I'm too tired to say much more than–thank you for this post and your courage. And for this quote: "there are years that ask questions and years that answer." I would say I've had seven years of questions–the seven years I've been a mother. Other than mothering, I have been going blind. Will the answer years come? I have to believe.
I am constantly searching for ways to become fulfilled. Beyond motherhood (which I find to be quite fulfilling in its own right). As you mentioned, I want a way to put my degree into good use.
You have encouraged me into trying something new with my blog. A way I can reach out and use my degree to better the world. Or, at least my little corner.
This is lovely – thank you for sharing your feelings around your journey. It resonates deeply with me.
this is a great post, and it sounds like a wonderful way to have spent a day. sometimes the questions are the answers. at least i tell myself that because i kinda' believe it, but mostly cause it sounds good. personally, i'm ready for a year of answers. just plain, good old-fashioned answers.