Today is day two of Present Tense, an exploration of how various wonderful, wise women work to be more present in their daily lives.
I am honored today to share the words of Heather of the Extraordinary Ordinary. Heather’s blog has become one of my most cherished. She truly does as the title says: she celebrates the extraordinary in ordinary life. She highlights small moments, like dancing in the kitchen with her sons, that, while seemingly minor, are in fact the very stuff of Life. Heather’s posts are pure poetry: she identifies, with lucid and lyrical prose, the beauty in the everyday. She has an incredible ability to hone in on the stuff that really matters, to speak of the mystical as expressed through the mudane, to radiate gratitude even when talking about normal everyday life. She reminds me, every single time I read her, to look around and see how fortunate I am.
Heather commented on my post last week, sharing her own difficulties with being present. To me, as a reader, her writing radiates presence – isn’t that where the luminous details come from? – so I was surprised to hear that she felt this way. I wanted to learn more. And, lucky for us, she agreed to participate in my project.
1. When have you felt most present? Are there specific memories that stand out for you?
I’ve been most present during my life’s greatest trials and greatest joys. I can so vividly remember these moments. Intense emotions due to tragedies or joys, their imprint is so vivid.I do think emotion has so much to do with being present. In times of trials or tragedies or great joys, you can make the choice as to whether or not you’re going to feel, it’s so powerful. To be present in the daily grind would mean being in touch emotionally all the time, and that’s terribly difficult. At least for me.
You know, something like:Life + emotional connection = being present (seeing life for the beautiful thing it is meant to be for your heart and soul)
2. Do you have rituals or patterns that you use to remind you to Be Here Now?
I put notes around my house that speak to that. I also carry around a little binder of recipe cards. They’re filled with quotes and scriptures that renew me, remind me to live fully, etc.I don’t know if this applies, but I also use a timer. It helps me stay on track with my ADD/busy mind. I set it for a certain amount of time and when it goes off, I stop what I’m (frantically and sporadically) doing that doesn’t really matter and I play with my boys. It’s hard for me, this being present in play thing, so I have to be disciplined about it in order for it to ever happen. Funny thing is, I always feel the most joyful about life when I do it even though it doesn’t come naturally to me.
So I guess: Life + discipline = being present
3. Do you have specific places or people that you associate with being particularly present? Who? Where? Any idea why?
Yes. One example is my friends, Kyle and Kelly. Their home is incredibly peaceful (and not just because they don’t have kids). I don’t know exactly why, but I’ve attributed it to their choice to live that way, simply. No clutter, clean lines and spaces, etc. But it’s also THEM. They are the most approachable, understanding, unconditional people, and the sense when you go to their house is that they genuinely want you there. Because they don’t do things out of duty or obligation or people-pleasing, but instead they follow their hearts and gladly spend time with people who they connect with. I want to be like them when I grow up.
From them I’ve learned: Life + being completely authentic = being present
4. Have you ever meditated? How did that go?
I could seriously copy your exact same answer here. Monkey brain to the max. And they keep switching branches and it’s so overwhelming and distracting. So meditation is hard for me too. I consider my hopeful thoughts to be prayers though, and I do have a whole lot of visionary thought. But to sit still and completely leave it all in peace…nope. When I sit down to pray, I mostly just sit there thinking. Sometimes putting myself in a position of prayer helps, like kneeling by the bed, but even then I forget what I was doing there. (I realize I’m thinking of prayer while thinking of “meditation,” but I guess that’s what it is for me.)
I have no little formula here, except for perhaps:Monkey brain + medication = being present 🙂
5. Has having children changed how you think about the effort to be present?
OH MY YES. On many levels. I want to be present so badly WITH THEM. I have a friend whose Mom was and is always really good at being present. Her brain could multi-task. So she’d be folding piles of laundry while having a meaningful connection with her daughters, rather than acting a tad annoyed at “having” to do both. Being present with my boys looks like that, I think…peaceful and safe, open and understanding.
I don’t know how much it even has to do with playing with them, but it has more to do with exchanging my fear of being vulnerable (yes, even with my own children) for the ability to remain in intimate connection with them, rather than fearing it a bit, like it means I’m going to get hurt. That’s my pattern in human relationship, that became clear through having kids. I pull back to protect myself and it makes no sense to me, and it breaks my heart.
Yes, Love + vulnerability = being present
6. And just cause I’m curious, what books and songs do you love?
OH BOY. Ready for a list? Some of my favorite books: While I Was Gone by Sue Miller. Anything Anne Lamott has written. A book called Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers (I was so moved by this book because it paints such an amazing picture of God’s love, but through a fiction couple. I needed that book because I had a very skewed perception of God, and believed a lot of things I had done left me unworthy or ugly somehow. This book started the journey toward NOT thinking that way, which helps me make strides toward being less shameful and more present.)
As for songs, there are many for many different reasons. Along the lines of being present, there’s one called I Just Showed Up by Sara Groves “I just showed up for my own life, and I’m standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright.” It’s about spinning your wheels, unless you’re being present of course :)Another one of her songs I love that applies to this is called Kingdom Coming. It’s about the purpose of life being more about the little things we do in love, opening our hearts and our homes…”it’s a little stone, it’s a little mortar, it’s a little seed, it’s a little bit of water…in our hearts” It’s about choosing not to live in fear of loving, basically.
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So, Heather. I love your concrete suggestions, like the timer. I’ve just started reading Harry Potter to my daughter, a couple of chapters a night and I am finding, truly, for the first time in my life as a mother, that the minutes melt away. Part of it is my excitement at the way she is falling for the story’s magic, but I am also letting myself lean into the moment, glancing at her earnest little face, seeing the words on the page, hearing them again for the second time as I read aloud. I imagine the timer sort of functions like this: removes the immediate checking-of-clock because you know that it will go off. For the time within the timer, you can be fully present, as I am at Hogwarts.
I also like the way you keep notes and a binder of quotations, words, and scripture with you. Similarly, I treasure a handmade, hand-written book of poetry and quotations; whenever I feel sad or lost I open it at random and immediately find myself somewhat comforted.
You say two things that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about. The first is that you cannot always be completely engaged, that that would mean “being in touch emotionally all the time, and that’s terribly difficult.” I’ve been thinking about this, and even described a similar feeling myself this week.
I am heartened to hear you not only admit that you wouldn’t want to be fully present every single minute , but to embrace and normalize it. It is supremely encouraging to hear someone I respect so completely say this. Perhaps some of us are sensitive enough that full-blown presence is like staring into the sun. We can’t do it all the time. And, to hear you say it, that doesn’t have to mean anything bad. Maybe it’s just that for us, “presence” means something really open, and that is not feasible all the time.
The other thing you say that has lodged in my head is the notion that perhaps you shy away from authentic presence out of a fear of being vulnerability. This resonates strongly with me. Do we avoid being really conscious and engaged for fear of true intimacy? Perhaps. I have been called on that before by a close friend, and I fought it for a while before realizing it was true.
Heather, this is a place where your words on the page belie your own self-description. Your blog posts are so intimate, so open, speaking of and from your heart with a clarity and candor that is tremendously moving. And yet you say you fear vulnerability. Is it easier to be that way in words on the page than in person? I think that is true for me.
Can we be afraid of intimacy even with our own children? Yes, I think so, as you say. Maybe theirs is the most terrifying intimacy of all, because it is threaded, from the very beginning, with their departures.
Heather, thank you for your comments, both specific and supreme in scale. I have much to think about. And I am grateful every day for your presence in the blogosphere – and in the world! – your voice sings often in my head, reminding me of the kind of mother and person I want to be. Thank you.
Firstly, thank you so much for your kind words, lady.
One day my sister said that she isn't like me, that she doesn't get on the floor with her kids and play, that she just doesn't mother the way I do, and it makes her sad. I was a bit shocked because I had no idea that I'm seen that way. (As present with my boys, I guess.) I told her that it's a discipline for me. I do the things I write about, and I allow myself to see the beauty and to truly love in those moments, but I have to overcome my fears of vulnerability and intimacy to do it, to actually live it.
I'm so keenly aware of that part of me that protects itself, largely because it's too big to be ignored. I'm thankful simply TO KNOW IT'S THERE because that means I can keep working at it.
There are so many hours in the mundane daily grind. I write about many of the insanely beautiful moments because I want so badly to stay focused on them. I do walk around seeing things in a bit of a different way then most people do, I think we writers are that way naturally. Blogging has given me space to express the way I see things. Through heart eyes. Sometimes (especially at the beginning of blogging) I would write through my mind's eye more than my heart. My mind is a very, very tricky and often negative place, so I've been choosing to see and then try to live through my heart's eyes.
(one additional side note here is that, at least for me, having lived through a laundry list of trauma adds much to this being present thing. I won't actually list those things, but some of them are the biggies, things it takes a lifetime to work through. But feeling THAT deeply, being THAT wounded (by my own hand and others) has actually been a catalyst for loving more deeply and seeing the miraculous life around me more clearly. So I'm strangely thankful for those things. I have found that I'm here to absolutely unconditionally love people, because I've been there. I was always a deeply sensitive person, keenly aware of people's feelings. Now that's true even more. And that helps me be more present for others. That's what I'm striving to do. Otherwise, what in the world am I doing here? Right?
OK, I'll stop. SO many thoughts…
I'm so grateful for YOUR presence here, friend.
Yes yes yes. And I love the part in parenthesis in your comment– it's exactly what I was trying to say in my post today.
me + this interview = love
I really enjoyed this for a lot of reasons but one main one is how much I enjoy Heather. I truely find you to be a bit of peace for me actually. Thank you for sharing. I loved the little comments in between and this was one of my favorites: Yes, Love + vulnerability = being present
Thank you!
I feel somewhat unworthy to comment; and a mere comment can barely scratch the surface of the conversation I would love to have with you two very insightful talented women. i've often read Heather's words and felt uplifted and a sense of kinship…although we are years apart. My own sense of self is eons behind Heather's though. This comment is LONG, so feel free to move to the next one!
Many things that Heather talked about struck a chord with me (as she often does). Over my life I have realized that the feelings of being present in the moment takes a high or low point to achieve. That may be the only way to recognize being present; to acknowledge and accept it and embrace it; even the most difficult times.-but if I were to focus on being present and feeling a full range emotions all of the time I would crash. I know this from experience. The statement of staring into sun made me gasp-looking away at times is vital for my mental health (therefore for the health of those I truly need to be present for.) Because being 'in the moment'; while being emotionally rewarding can also be incredibly draining. I shy away from revealing that I am seriously clinically depressed; but I'm sure it is pretty obvious as I wrestle with things that hinder my ability to live more fully in the moment.
The realization that we as mothers need to be truly present for our children (not just there in the same house, but looking eye to eye and communicating; which grows and grows as your child does) makes me think that that is exactly what we Mothers are here for. I have learned to stop and put aside trivial matters, even important ones, and focus on the here and now. But even so they need a break sometimes from the intensity of such closeness. If that makes sense.
The world is chaotic and distracting it does take discipline to turn it off and just be quiet together and enjoy each other.
I'm writing a post here. And getting very tangled up in my thoughts. (I need to more PRESENT. 🙂 ) This interview resonated deeply for me. So many individual points. One thing I have found so interesting (and frustrating!) about writing in my blog is that I tend to reveal so many of my deep emotions, usually on the negative side, (when that is really not what my intention when I begin to write), and which I know some people do not want to read. I don't even know why I do this; I would love to embrace the positive more (as Heather does) in my writing. I have found that writing about the negative is a release and frees me up for being more positive in my 'presentness' in the 'real world'.
Oh the tangled web I weave with my words. I will be thinking of this post for a long time. And I'm just going to stop now; cuz I could go on and on and nobody wants that. I must go be 'present' and face the day!!!
What what wonderful you both are. I admire you greatly.
just a note: I see now that there are many typos in my comment. Proofreading…not my speciality. 🙂
I love Heather, too. She's the best! I'm gonna have to find this post about meditation and monkey brain… 🙂 I actually love meditating – it gives me time to regroup mentally and be ready to tackle the next 24 hours of life.
Lindsey + Heather. Two great modern philosophers. What a wonderful "present" to kick off the holiday season.
Thank you, ladies.
I get a lot of this, and this was a reminder to me how often I miss the awesome in the ordinary, but when I stop and actually breathe it in, it is NOT ordinary at all.
Steph
Very thoughtful post. It is literally impossible to be constantly "present." It's good to hear another say so, and without feeling guilty.
Heather… it is an honour to know you. I love your words… all of them. It is obvious that you make such an effort to be more than is probably ever expected of you.
As someone who struggles with being overly sensitive, a less than perfect , learning to be thankful for the now mamma, I applaud you. And I 'd like to hug you, and all of us bloggers trying to sort everything out and sharing.
When I read Heather, I feel urged to go home, hug the kids, and dance. Or read. Or kiss. I know that she struggles to just be in the moment and enjoy a game of "cars" or whatever it might be….I think as mothers with so many strings tugging at us, we feel that way most of the day. BUT….if we write about it…and read one another's happy moments in these blogs we keep…we help one another. This is what makes me so grateful for Heather.
I have always believed that when I found Heather, I found a piece of God on earth.
I read her words and find my own life parallels. I hear her truths and don't feel so alone. I see her struggles and triumphs and know that my own are not so far away.
I'm so grateful for the chance to know her, read her, and learn from her.
Love you, Heather.
Wonderful questions. Wonderful answers. So many responses swirling in my head. So many ideas. So many questions. But instead of going on and on about all these things now, I will do my best to enjoy the present moment with family.
Thanks to two of my very favorite bloggers!
I am an enormous Heather fan. She is so easy to love!
I have posted a number of times about how I wish I was better at living in the moment. I am so afraid that life will fly by and I will be so sad to have missed the journey. What great ideas Heather describes to help her to be present. I will certainly be trying the timer idea.
Fantastic questions Lindsey! Thank you for this post on a topic that nags at me constantly!
My mother was always present, and I thought it came easily to mothers. It doesn't to all… I agree w/ Heather that it's a matter of discipline.
But beyond all that, what a wonderful peek into Heather (although we see so much on your blog, this is different!) Bravo 🙂
Ditto to what L.T. said. When I came across Heather's blog, I felt I found a safe place, a haven, a sister.
Lindsey, thank you for this interview, and for your thoughts. Especially the ones about intimacy and our children.
I took a trip to England
last month, without my children or husband. For the duration of the trip, I felt that I had to remove my heart so I could function. When I came back, I felt a void between us that I hadn't intended to create, but there it was.
A month later, it is still there, I can feel it. But I'm trying to bridge it each day.
Thank you for putting into words thoughts that I have felt but haven't been yet able to face.
What an awesome idea for a post. Exploring being present. Wow do I struggle with this and we. all. do. Funny though that on the large scale of my life I am very present. I do not fret about the past or worry about my future. I am keenly aware that today is the only day I have and I do my best to enjoy that day. But when it comes down to the hour or the minute, that is where I get into trouble. I take each day as the possibility to achieve many things so it's hard for me to be still and enjoy the moment. The real present….
Anyway – great food for thought. I adore Heather and so happy to learn more about this chick from the extraordinary ordinary….
🙂
Good idea – I have been so tired & busy with things around the house & preparing for the new baby lately, I just haven't been as present with my little boy as I would like to be. And today, as I was tiredly reminding him to leave something alone for the 80th time, I realized, 'you know what? This is the most important thing I'm doing today.' Nothing else is as important as responding patiently to my little boy. Thank you for this reminder about being present – loved this interview. Also, I'm glad there's someone else who sits down to pray & instead ends up just thinking…mostly about nothing… 🙂 Happens to me ALL the time – I think it's the ADD thing. 🙂
Just came across this after following a link from somewhere. I can’t remember where, as I’ve had it open in my browser all day until now when I finally had a chance to read it.
Super interesting discussion and thoughts, and both you and Heather are beautiful women. I feel like I have so much to add and ask, but I know this is from a long time ago so I’ll leave it at ‘beautiful.’