The Alphabet of Right Now

I was in a sound sleep last night (a rare occurence) when I turned my head and opened my eyes to see Whit standing about six inches from me. No idea how long he had been standing there. Hi, buddy. Turns out he was complaining about his ears hurting. After I gave him motrin and water and a whole lot of back rubbing and snuggling (no complaints here, though his body is starting to have that lanky kid feeling now too, which is alarming to me) I went back to sleep and lay there for a while. As I lay there alone with my racing thoughts I considered that since I often do lists and things with numbers, it was high time for the Alphabet of Me Right Now.

Anxious – Not so much right now as permanent baseline throb, regular as a heartbeat. My anxiety pulses in my veins along with my platelets and red blood cells. I don’t love it but am not sure if I could ever change this inherent part of me. Also: American Girl dolls.

Blogging – I love my little blog. Random and meandering as it is, I am truly glad to have this record of my childrens’ hilarity and growth and of my own mundane introspections. Also: books, bacon.

Cashmere – As the days turn cool the uniform shifts from tee shirts to J Crew cashmere long sleeve sweaters. So comforting. Also: Cambridge.

Dog – Big family debate over a dog. All three of my family members are desperate for one. I actually love dogs as well, but feel quite sure that the responsibility for the pet will be mine and am a little leery of this. Also, not in this house that we are already bursting out of (there is violent agreement that any dog will be large, not small). Also: Diet Coke.

Elegant – Something I am most defiantly not and deeply wish I was. Getting less elegant, sadly, rather than more, as I get older. Also: exhausted.

Frantic – Too often I feel as though I am running around with a thousand balls in the air, dropping approximately one per hour. I tell myself this will be ameliorated when I make X or Y lifestyle change, but I’m starting to suspect this is a state of mind more than anything else. Also: French fries, flip-flops.

(the) Ghostie Dance – Something I have to do for Whit before bed every night to assure that he does not have ghosts in his room. Also: geek, godmothers, Gossip Girl, Goldfish.

HBS – A school I sort of can’t believe I went to.

iPhone – The focus (and locus) of my life. Camera, video, web, email, text, and phone. Also: insomnia.

Jeans and Juicy sweats – what I am wearing 90% of the time.

Kindergarten – Have one kindergarten graduate and one child one year away from it. Still can’t believe I have children this old.

Legos – These are a big part of my life. Whit is utterly obsessed, Grace partially. I find following the diagrammatic instructions to build something complex from small blocks deeply satisfying. Also, I walk on discarded Lego pieces almost every day and always shout obscenities and hop around as though a toe has been amputated. Also: lunches to pack, laundry, leather bracelet that I never take off.

Magic Treehouse books – Grace’s current fixation. She cruises through them. I love the little tidy row they make, lined up by number, in her bookshelf. Also: mess (literal and figurative), magazines.

Neatness – A fixation, and one that is fighting a losing battle against the inexorably encroaching tide of stuff that children bring with them: art, plastic toys from birthday parties, toys with lots of little pieces, and other assorted flotsam.

Overwhelmed – Often.

Princeton – Still a place I love dearly, and the place where I met most of the people who are dearest to me to this day. Also: pizza, photographs, panic.

Quotes – Refuge and inspiration, the words of others often make me feel like I am not alone and help me understand the world more clearly. I’ve kept quote books since I was in 6th grade and am now on my fourth book. I treasure these hand-written compilations that trace the words and sentiments that spoke to me in various parts of my life.

Running – My only exercise. Except I haven’t done much in the last few months with the knee injury/H1N1 one-two punch. I love to run in the cold, the rain, the snow, so am looking forward to getting back into the groove this fall. Also: robots.

Sauvignon blanc – Key beverage in my life. On the rocks. In a stemless wine glass or (arguably better) water glass. Also: Sweet Dreams Head Rub (for Grace before bed to assure no nightmares).

Twilight – I may be the only middle-aged woman I know who decided this series is lame. I thoroughly enjoyed #1, found #2 bearable, slogged my way through #3, and quit 50 pages into #4. Plus I think Robert Pattinson is creepy looking, I really do, sorry. Also: Tabblo, where all of my photographs live, toy train tracks, time passing too fast.

Underneath – The internal, essential me that I am trying to excavate. Underneath the pleasing, underneath the achieving. And the fundamental fear: what if, in truth, there is nothing underneath that?

Venn Diagrams – I often think about the world this way, about how categories overlap. I imagine venn diagrams in my head as a way of understanding situations. Also: vegetables (I’m trying).

Worry – All the time. Often ridiculously, about things totally out of my power. Somehow I believe that if I fret and fear and hold on until my knuckles are white I’ll be able to control whatever it is I’m worrying about, believe that by sheer force of will I can determine the outcome of things.

X-ray – Also: xylophone. Neither has any relevance to my life whatsoever.

Yelling – Way too much of it happening with my kids. I know. It is not helpful to shout at them to keep quiet. Yes, I get the lunacy and hypocrisy of this. Still, hard to stop!

Zithromax – Whit’s on it now for an ear infection, I’ve taken two z-packs this year because of my terrible immunity. Also: zoo (life is one).

1 thought on “The Alphabet of Right Now”

  1. > tell myself this will be ameliorated when I make X or Y lifestyle
    > change, but I’m starting to suspect this is a state of mind

    Umm hmm.

    > fundamental fear: what if, in truth, there is nothing underneath that?

    Deepest down, you know it’s not so. Cf. Marianne WIlliamson (someitmes erroneously attributed to Nelson Mandela): “Your playing small does not serve the world.”

    > if I fret and fear and hold on until my knuckles are white I’ll be
    > able to control whatever it is I’m worrying about

    “This illusion of control is one aspect of what the Buddha meant by suffering.”

Comments are closed.