I read Judith Warner’s column last week with a heavy heart. Of course I do not understand the nuances of the situation so I can’t comment on the specific instance she cites. But the trend, the overall observation she makes, had me nodding my head in sad recognition.
Then one of my favorite new blogs, Ivy League Insecurities, took up the topic with a thought-provoking response.
I found myself mulling this over all weekend as I hiked, and handed children hand-over-hand down a rock ravine, and lay in a camp bunk trying to sleep as 11 people stirred around me.
My initial reaction is that the growing resentment among the many for the “privileged few,” especially women, is just another form of judgment by superficial labels. How is extrapolating from people’s external situations to draw assumptions about their personalities, values, and problems any different whether the person being stereotyped and judged is privileged or not? Isn’t it the same kind of superficial judgment in either direction?
And then I thought more. I have certainly been made to feel, many times, that my own concerns and fears are somehow less legitimate, less raw and real, because most of my life appears pretty well under control. And, when I am truly honest, sometimes I believe that too. Sometimes – actually, often – I chastise myself, saying: Come on. Pull yourself together. What do you want for? What do you need? You have so much. Why are you sad? And part of me believes this message, but part of me adamantly does not.
On the one hand, of course concerns of feeding your children or pressing fatal illness are much more significant than the things that rattle around my head. In fact, when I push this further, the kinds of issues that occupy me could be thought of as the province of the privileged; is it not an indulgence, a gift, even, to be able to worry about such small things? But then I know how keenly I feel things. I know that these worries are very real, often all-consuming.
So I guess the conclusion I come to is that it is not for any of us to judge the lives of others. It is not for us to make assessments of how valid are other people’s points of view, intentions, or loves. It is impossible to know, from how someone looks on the surface, what is going on inside his or her heart. I have learned enough in my life to know that with absolute certainty.
Both posts are, in fact, about something beyond just this notion of outsides and insides. The claim that educated women are being told, implicitly and explicitly, to muzzle it troubles me. Troubles me a lot. On the most basic level this is because I know many of these women, and most of them have a lot of interest to say – lots that is provocative, insightful, reflective, and honest. But more generally because I fear a world in which any single group is being told, for no good reason, to shut up.
I don’t know that I have a good conclusion to this yet, but I know it’s on my mind. I also know that like other friends and bloggers I know, I am both unwilling and, more importantly, unable to stop talking. I will not be muzzled; I believe there is too much to be gained by telling our stories, whoever we are and whatever formal education we have.
The woman in question recently wrote an article in Brain, Child about the incident. It was excellent, and thought-provoking, as is much of that magazine. Check it out! -Julie
Thank you for the link. But more for this compelling and honest exploration of a topic that many, too many, fear discussing. You are right to point out that we must do our best not to judge others, their lives, their experiences, their insecurities. And yet as humans, it seems we are hard-wired to judge, to dissect the decisions of others, what they say, how they say it, and whether they should be saying anything at all. Perhaps all we can do is own the fact that this is what we are doing – judging – and that each and every judgment says more about the judge than the judged. No matter how many degrees we have stored away, no matter how brightly that resume shines, no matter how many dollars there are in that bank account, we all have true problems and doubts and worries and you are right when you say that NO ONE should be told – explicitly or implicitly – to shut up. I look forward to continuing this conversation with you and with the other curious souls out there in the blogosphere and beyond.
Again, thanks.
My aunt Ellen tells a story from WW2 that highlights this issue. As she was riding a train from Boston to Providence proudly wearing her Army Officers uniform, she was approached by a women who proceeded to lecture about a women's place in the world. The exchange ended with Ellen clearly being told that women like her were "trouble makers". As you know, Ellen volunteered during WW2 to be a recruiter. She went on to fight other battles as an executive in an insurance company and never lived up to the judgements of her brother. She was immensly interesting and became more so to me as the years passed.
M