it seems to me that there has been something simpler than I could ever believe

Just Now

In the morning as the storm begins to blow away
the clear sky appears for a moment and it seems to me
that there has been something simpler than I could ever
believe
simpler than I could have begun to find words for
not patient not even waiting no more hidden
than the air itself that became part of me for a while
with every breath and remained with me unnoticed
something that was here unnamed unknown in the days
and the nights not separate from them
not separate from them as they came and were gone
it must have been here neither early nor late then
by what name can I address it now holding out my thanks

– W.S. Merwin

The season of amazement

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Magnolias remind me powerfully of college, and of this particularly, wonder-full time of year

I write often about wonder here (I think wonder is one of the most-often used words in blog post titles of mine, and probably in the text of posts, too).  It’s true that I feel awe and amazement on a regular basis, and that’s exactly how I want to experience the world. It’s not all good, of course: for example I feel nothing short of abject awe at how lousy vertigo feels.  I’m writing this on day seven and I still feel shaky, nauseous, and flat-out terrible.  I don’t even want to go on my kids’ favorite ride at Canobie Lake Park, the Turkish Twist, for two minutes.  I’ve been trapped on it for a week now.  This is terrible.  And in the true meaning of the word, awe-some.

A lot of the wonder I feel is good, though, and as I walked to do an errand last week (bobbing around on the sidewalk, because I still struggle to walk in a completely straight line), I looked up and noticed that during one of my days in bed the world had burst into insistent, almost ferocious spring bloom.  That this fact continues to amaze me, even in my fortieth year, makes me very glad.  I started thinking about the things that I hope always make me feel wonder.  I don’t ever want to be cynical, or jaded, or to take this world’s breathtaking beauty for granted.

I so many ways, spring is the season of amazement.  I hope I always feel a surge of surprised delight when I notice that the trees around me are jubilantly blooming, that the air has a new, softer texture to it, that the days suddenly seem long.  Like so many things in life, spring arrives very gradually and then, overnight.

So one thing I always hope to feel wonder at is the advent of spring.  There are others, though:

Internet access in an airplane.  In fact, airplanes in general.  I hope I always feel wonder at how it is that this enormous metal tube is flying thousands of miles above the earth, and that I’m tweeting a I sit there.  It’s downright incredible.

The speed of time’s passage.  Specifically, right now, that Grace is graduating from sixth grade.  I swear, I swear, it was just moments ago that my friends – some of whom I’m grateful to still call my friends – and I stood in that same gym, singing our class song, The Greatest Love of All, before exploding into summer, energy and enthusiasm and hormones all coming together into a tidal surge.

Dawn breaking across the sky and the gloaming before sunset.  The fact that we get to witness these majestic moments, every single day (well, most, of it’s not raining), takes my breath away.  Every day.

Organ transplantation.  It’s not a secret that this is a cause near to me, and when I stop and think about the notion that another person’s heart (and another, different person’s kidney) beats in the chest of someone I love dearly I can’t even process it.  The wonder is extreme.  It boggles the mind.  I hope transplantation becomes more common – please tell your next of kin of your desire to be a donor – but I hope it never ceases to amaze me.  Because it is truly extraordinary.

What amazes you?  What do you hope to always feel awe about?

Still dizzy & the Mid

Still dizzy, so nothing new today.  I’ll be back soon, I hope!

In the meantime, I hope you’re all reading The Mid.  I love this site, dedicated to life in the “messy middle.”  I’m happy that that one of my favorite pieces went up there this weekend, about a night at hockey when I felt painfully aware of how often I allow my own exhaustion or aggravation to occlude the beauty of this ordinary, flawed existence.

It’s not new, but it’s still salient (to me), this desperate wish to be here now and of the simultaneous weight of my expectation that I can do so all the time.  Is my constant sense of failing to be present getting in the way of my actually being present?

Time offers this gift in its millions of ways

The Gift

Time wants to show you a different country. It’s the one
that your life conceals, the one waiting outside
when curtains are drawn, the one Grandmother hinted at
in her crochet design, the one almost found
over at the edge of the music, after the sermon….

It’s a balance, the taking and passing along,
the composting of where you’ve been and how people
and weather treated you. It’s a country where
you already are, bringing where you have been.
Time offers this gift in its millions of ways,
turning the world, moving the air, calling,
every morning, “Here, take it, it’s yours.”

– William Stafford