Doing and Being

Aidan’s post today, which asserts that asking what don’t you do? is as provocative as asking what do you do? got me thinking. First, about what I don’t do. What don’t I do?

I don’t smoke
I don’t do a very good job brushing my kids’ teeth
I don’t know how to hold a tune
I don’t watch TV
I don’t eat shellfish or any food whose ingredients are too uncertain
I don’t check my voicemail

I could go. The list of things I don’t do – which is closely connected to the list of things I am not good at – is very, very long. But I really started thinking about the much more traditional question, which I answer all the time: What do you do?

I thought immediately of the Firestarter in September at Aidan’s house. Danielle asked us all to introduce ourselves. I went early on in the group of about 24 people, and I think I spoke for 15 seconds. I was totally flummoxed. I rarely think about what I’m going to say before I say it (something else I don’t do that I should) and this was no exception. My mouth gaped like a fish. And then I stuttered something along these lines, “My name is Lindsey and I am in transition. I have two kids so I am a mom. I want to write. I have an MBA and a job in business.”

If how we introduce ourselves, and how we answer that most basic of questions reflects on our sense of ourselves, then I’m in a world of hurt. I basically could not answer the question in an articulate way. Isn’t what we do, after all, integral to who we are? What does it say about me that I cannot answer the question?

But maybe it’s not that simple. Maybe that is a simplistic way to look at who we are. Identity, intention, and action form a messy braid, woven full of many other things that are out of our control. Is all that we are reflected in what we do? I don’t think so. I’ve heard many people hold forth about how actions are all that matter. That it is in doing that we exhibit our truest being. I don’t know about that. In many cases I do not feel free to do whatever it is my spirit wishes; maybe it’s pathetic, maybe I’ve already “given up” when I admit that Real Life constrains how my intentions become reality, but there it is.

I guess I feel like it’s an ideal world where our self can express its desires, its beliefs, its passions freely and without constraint. Sure, yes, absolutely, we should all strive to set up our lives to enable this. For sure. But we must also remember that a multitude of reasons underlie a person’s actions, not all of which have to do with their true heart’s desire. And we ought not assume that we know what goes into an action, either. We simply cannot understand the intentions of another, no matter how much we wish we could.

There is no neat conclusion here, I realize with a sigh. I need – desperately, urgently, soul-screamingly – to rearrange some things in my life so that my own intentions and truest voice can be expressed more freely. That said, I am realistic, perhaps cynical, about ever being able to do so in an unfettered way. So, in truth, Aidan, it’s easier for me to answer “what don’t you do?” than to answer “what do you do?” right now. I sincerely hope that changes, and changes soon.