Perception and reality and the perilous gulf that can open up between them has been on my mind lately. First there was the truth-teller in the form of a classic little old lady on the Delta shuttle. Then there was a post by Ronna Detrick about the power of friendships, including virtual ones. I was interested in her post and we began an email exchange that has made me thoughtful about the ways that in the virtual space we are both unenhanced by and unhampered by the aspects of us that exist in the real world. We are both less whole and more real.
Then yesterday I got my Burning Questions from Danielle LaPorte, in preparation for my firestarter with her. They included a link to her marvelous post about the power of knowing how others view of us. She had me at her first line: To be truly witnessed is a mighty thing.
Oh, yes. I continue to search for my own quiet and private voice, and in so doing I seek explicitly to minimize the import of the world’s opinion. I still, however, believe that being truly seen by another is the single biggest contributor to peace in our lives. I realize there is tension in this: in seeking to pursue a path driven only by my own authentic self, I need to shed, not seek, the input of others. I don’t know that any of us can exist in a vacuum, though, and I still think that no matter how self-realized, independent, and tuned into our own essential selves we are, we all need someone to say: I see you and I love you.
Also, isn’t knowing how we come across important, because we don’t want that to be discordant from how we really are? Is seeking to understand the way others see us a component of self-knowledge or an effort to avoid the work to know ourselves? Of course nobody can see anyone else entirely clearly: our responses to others are refracted through our own identities, concerns, issues, and passions. If we asked ten close friends these questions we’d get ten different answers, but hopefully themes and patterns would emerge.
I don’t know. When I read Danielle’s post my first thought was: my God I’d love to know these answers from some of my dearest friends. And my second thought was: how indulgent and self-absorbed it would be to ask these questions. How embarassingly it would reveal my need for affirmation. Then I thought: of course the answers may well come back not at all affirmatively.
Danielle’s questions are interesting. I truly have no idea how I would answer these for myself, let alone what others would say.
: What do you think is my greatest strength?
: How would you describe my style?
: What do you think I should let go of?
: When do you feel that I am at my best?
: What do you wish I were less of, for my sake?
: When have you seen me looking my most fabulous?
: What do you think I could give myself more credit for or celebrate more?
Even considering posting this has me wincing. Admitting that I am curious how others would answer these questions feels blatantly solipsistic. At the same time, I know several friends that I’d love to provide the answers to. I don’t think I’m ready to ask anyone directly, but I will be brave enough to post this. And if anyone wants to tell me, great. And if anyone finds themselves pensive about the dialog that exists between their private realities and their public impressions as a result of this, it’s worth it.